So today just sucked really bad.

1) I had a bad headache.

2) I spent the first half of my day in the cage and my second half at the registers. Both places: freezing cold. FREEZING COLD.

So I made my first new comic in AGES. It's in the "comics based on disturbing search requests" section, and is called: How Do They Test Eyeliner on Monkees? Yeah.... you see where it's going. But despite the predictableness, I had to draw it anyway. So without further ado: my half-assed comic archive.

So today was hectic as all get out at work. At least in the morning. The happy bit: at least not much went wrong. The only thing that sucks worse than getting some horrible person who doesn't understand why their coupon won't work on magazines is having a huge line behind them getting grouchier and grouchier while it happens. About the worst thing I had happen was doing a return and almost not giving the guy the right amount back (it scanned in as on sale and he hadn't bought it on sale). I just wanted to strangle him because even after I admited he was right and went back and gave him the extra money, he was still all suspicious that I was trying to cheat him, and spent ten hours examining the receipt to catch me cheating him still, holding the line up all the while.

Then in the afternoon I had the problem of having not that much to do, because we got a lot more people in, and we were all stuck doing customer service, which is basically walking around the store trying to badger people into letting you help them find something. And since there were four other people doing the same thing at the time.... nothing for me to do.

Then Carmax, Sista, and I went to see Walk the Line. It was good. Then afterwards we hung around this bizarre, expensive, deserted bowling alley connected to a VFW. This was actually the idea of another couple of coworkers of ours, who don't have nicknames because I don't really mention them all that much, even though they're cool people. The problem: the store's kind of cliquey. I mean, we're all great friends when we're actually at the store, but we only do stuff with certain people outside of the store, it seems. So Carmax, Sista, and I are kind of a clique, and then these two people and Mouse are kind of a clique. So I kind of wanted to reach out to the other clique, but the problem with the other clique is that they like to hang out at bars, and I hate bars. And the bowling alley was pretty much a thwarted attempt at being at a bar, I think. And it wasn't really any more pleasant than a bar either.

I had a really great day today. Carmax, Sista and I arranged to have dinner together at break like we usually do on Fridays. Actually, it turned out I didn't have the same break as Sista, so I had to switch with Mouse, who was cool about it. Honestly, I wasn't sure if they let us switch breaks until now, but I wanted to try. Last week we had a different break and Carmax just ended up eating with me, which made me feel bad for Sista.

Anyway: Mulva had the same break too, and I managed to rope him into it. Then, El Camino got off at the same time, and he came too. So we were like one big happy family. AND Carmax, Sista and I have already made plans to see Walk the Line tomorrow.

Mulva was awesome as ever, and seemed to hit it off pretty well with everyone else. El Camino was a little quieter, I'm not sure if he felt comfortable with all the people. I know I get a little weird in crowds myself. Though unfortunately I just tend to shout out whatever and embarass myself, rather than keeping quiet.

Best of all: no one was totally disgusted by the horrible messiness of my car. Though there was some jest at the skill of my driving. But..... I don't blame anyone for that.

I found a really weird note stuck in one of the displays, I think it was from a customer. It looks like kind of a shopping list for alcohol because it lists out various types of alcohol and the quantity of each one the person was apparently looking for. Then, just randomly, at the bottom, it says "I Love Josh."

Everyone made fun of the CD I brought in at close today. It was New Found Glory, this EP they have of covers of movie songs. I admit--it's not exactly my favorite anymore either, but I was surprised it generated so much backlash. I told them, though, "The more you mock Ben Folds, the more I'm going to bring in New Found Glory. And the more you mock New Found Glory, the more I'm going to bring in Good Charlotte. And the more you mock Good Charlotte, the more I'm going to bring in The Spice Girls."

Then they just made fun of me for having Good Charlotte and the Spice Girls.

BSD: i'm busy lifting people up
Phoemeister: your hobby is ballet?
BSD: no, pulley rigging
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: that was a good one
Phoemeister: I love all humor involving pulleys
BSD: is it the rope or the pully that amuses you?
Phoemeister: the pulley
BSD: ok
Phoemeister: because I don't think that's something someone would think of every day
Phoemeister: like... "something that lifts something.... pulley!"
Phoemeister: because pulleys do lift things
Phoemeister: but I think more people would go for crane or forklift
Phoemeister: I admire your old fashioned values
BSD: I do own 2 pulleys
Phoemeister: really? Why?
BSD: you don't have pulleys?
BSD: I'm all about mechanical advantage. baby!

Sorry for the rapid fire posts, but I keep meaning to post things and then remember them and then make a new post, and then remember another thing....

Anyway, it's kind of funny to think of things you've done that leave a mark on a place. Like, the keyboards at the registers used to be hella gross, but Carmax cleaned them, so I always think of her there when I use them. Or at least I will till they get gross again.

I was thinking of the things I've done to either improve or deface my workplace, and most of them were at the registers too. And I think almost no one knows I've done them. Here they are:

--I took all the paperclips and linked them all up. No one even noticed until weeks after I did it.

--I wrote the smartass comments on the cashier talking points cards. They've been replaced.

--I made and hung an oragami star on one side of the computer.

--I drew one of my bizarre drawings and then shoved it under the glass counter. This I did nearly at the start of the job, before I realized that if there's nothing to do at the register, I still have to pretend like I'm doing something, rather than draw. I actually mentioned it to Carmax the other day, and she was like, "That was you????" Apparently actual customers had thought it was cool and would ask her who did it. I was a little depressed, I looked for it today, and it was gone.

So the Post Secret book just came out, and I didn't even know (I only visit like once a month, because I like to read a lot all at once). You know how I found out? Someone came into the store wanting it. And we lost the sale because they didn't want to bother trying to order it.

They were pretty happy that I knew what they were talking about, but unhappy when it turned out we didn't have any. But there were like a jillion in the corporate warehouse. Damn our po-dunk town for not wanting to buy any.

But then again: I dunno if I'll buy it anyway. It's really frickin' expensive. I hate hardcover books. Even with my discount it's kind of a waste, especially since it's the type of book you're going to get through pretty fast.

But you should buy it and support Post Secret. Do it! Do it!

(I'm half-tempted to order it through the store and read it on a break or something and then not buy it, since you're not obligated to buy special orders at the store. But it's kind of a crappy thing to do so I have moral qualms about trying that)

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night sick to your stomache and with a pounding headache and the new Weezer single stuck in your head no matter what you do and you can't fall back to sleep for the life of you?

Yeah, me too. Damn you, "We Are All On Drugs."

D'oh. As Ryan so courteously points out: I screwed up the link, Karaoke Supernova is here, actually.

Today I hung out with Carmax, it was a lot of fun. Though I think I offended her husband. He was kind of hanging around and seemed friendly enough, but he's german and I made a joke about germans being racist and after that he was not so friendly anymore. Which, was totally bad taste on my part, I don't know him too well to be going around stereotyping his country.



We decorated Carmax's Christmas tree and had tacos, and talked about the urine test she had to take today for another job.

Today, somehow Mulva and I got to imagining what it would be like if Yoda rapped. And while it didn't really conform to Yoda's talking patterns, I have to say I found bits like, "Sideous is hideous!" and "I got nookie from a wookiee!" so hilarious I hurt afterwards.

Then he told me that Yoda probably was lying about getting nookie from a wookiee, and that Yoda is full of hubris and arrogance when he starts rapping.

In other news: I think I'm going to start calling "new guy" "el camino" after his bitchin' El Camino. And also: he's growing on me, and there's like 50 other new people right now anyway. Because since El Camino started, Mulva, a cashier, a new cafe guy, and three booksellers have started, so he's really not that new, relatively.

Kevin cracked me up today. He was throwing away old magazines and being like, "Uh, oh, phoe! This is your last chance to read __________" whatever horrible gossip mag he happened to be throwing away. And I'd pretend to be all horrified. Then I had him cover while I went to the bathroom, and I told him thanks, and he was like, "Yeah, well, I had to. I thought to myself, what would Mary Kate do?" and holds up a magazine with the Olsen twins on the cover extolling the virtues of Mary Kate's "new healthy diet."

And I was like, "Yeah. Well you know what? Mary Kate would also lend me fifty bucks to bet on the ponys. I have a hot tip." And then we discussed whether or not Mary Kate Olsen would lend me money for various underhanded purposes.

I finally had my lunch with boss-boss, and she thinks it's funny that I say the good folks at Barnes & Noble fart into their books. So I guess she can't be all bad.

In other news, it's going to turn into the people who know Phoe store! I swear, one of the new people actually knows me (though didn't put my name on their app like Mulva did)! I saw the new people today and was all surprised when I found out. Anyway, she's one of my old TV-10 buddies, so that's cool.

New KS

Phoemeister: but you KNOW Angelina Jolie would totally be up for a lesbian affair with a fry cook
Phoemeister: you KNOW she would
Sarcasmyst: *laughs* It's true! It's part of her allure.

So today was not as bad as I would've thought (they say the friday after thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year). I don't know if it's because I came in at 4, when most of the rush was over or what, but it wasn't bad at all.

We did get some pretty weird customers, though. There was this one lady all telling me about all the christmas decorations she was going to buy from Gordman's and all about this homemade sausage she made. I was at the register, however, and no one else was coming, so I couldn't really hurry her along. I started giggling when she got to the sausage, and Mulva was all, "You insulted that woman's homemade sausage! How dare you!"

And there was this lady with this bratty kid. Like... he was only four or five but not only was he causing a commotion, but he was actually calling her a shithead and stuff. But she was like, horribly mean back. She like, asked us if we carried muzzles. And then after one particularly bad comment of the kids, she says in this singsong voice, "Orphanage!" which was pretty funny despite how horrible it was.



After work I went through the promos and actually found some decent CD's. Maybe I should've given them a second chance before this? Anyway, I doubt I would actually pay much for these, but I got this sampler of Aqualung songs, 2 of which I didn't already have, and Bowling for Soup Goes to the Movies, which I think Bowling for Soup is semi decent, and I do enjoy weird covers. Though I think there might be a couple originals on there? I don't know. Very few of the song names do I actually recognize from any movie. Here's hoping.

Phoemeister: we make a great team
Phoemeister: you say things about penises
Phoemeister: I cross stitch them onto samplers
BSD: I'm very good at that!
Phoemeister: and also very proud about it, apparently
BSD: It's a talent.
BSD: Also I can say things about farting.
Phoemeister: wow
BSD: I'm a catch.

My thanksgiving was alright. I've noticed, though, the older I get the less magical holidays get. I'm not sure if it's because I'm grown up and not as easily impressed anymore, or the half-assedness that seems to infect my family more and more each year.

Because this year it was just me and my parents, 3 people. The turkey and mashed potatoes were the only dishes that took any real work, the only other things we had were cranberry sauce from the can, prepackaged rolls, microwaveable green beans, and store bought pie. Store bought key-lime pie, no less. AND she wouldn't clear off her side of the table to make it nice for us. She wouldn't even take the damn TV off the table this year, though she at least turned it off during the meal, which she never has the consideration to do during a normal dinner.

I admit: my mom was sick. So... it would suck to make her bang out a hugely impressive meal. AND honestly, I have always been soley about the mashed potatoes and rolls, so no weird cranberry dish or green bean dish was not that big of blow (though I did kind of miss the pumpkin pie despite the store-bought key-lime being surprisingly excellent).

BUT, she won't let me cook either to make a pie or anything else to make the dinner fancier. AND she doesn't even have to do much with the turkey, my dad always grills it.

Anyway, it also kind of made me sad because this is the first year we don't get thanksgiving with my sister. Her husband's parents are divorced and remarried, so between them and us, that's like three thanksgivings she has to go to in a day. And on top of that, now she has a kid to cart around with her. So my mom was like, "Yeah, you can skip our thanksgiving if you want, maybe we'll go out to eat at a restaurant sometime together to make it up." Which, pissed me off because my mom told me point blank that if I had to work this weekend I wouldn't get in on the make-up thanksgiving dinner, and end up not seeing my sister and the phew at all for thanksgiving. And believe me, my sister wouldn't contact me to see me. Whenever we do anything that the parents don't choreograph, I'm the one who always has to call her and get the ball rolling. Every time. But.. thankfully I did end up with one day off this weekend, so I'll be able to go.

I'm hoping maybe my sister will stop being such a pushover to her husband's two familys and just say, "You know what, I'm going to make my own thanksgiving and you can come if you want, but if you don't, screw you I'm not going to drag my baby to both of your houses and not even see my own family." And then maybe we could all just have thanksgiving at her house. But then again, she sees mom and dad like, every week, they're all such good buddies, I'm the Robert of my whole Everybody Loves Raymond freakin' family, the only one she doesn't see that often is me, so she probably wouldn't think it's worth it just for that.

I think that's the real reason so many people claim to hate the holidays and birthdays and other special occaisions. Just because they're sad it can't be like when they were kids. I'm hoping now that we do have a kid in the family, I can maybe start living vicariously through him when he gets old enough to know what holidays are.

New Karaoke Supernova

I mentioned this in my last post, but I think this reaction is too funny to not put up:

Phoemeister: Sista is trying to hook me up with this guy from the navy
Phoemeister: and I'm stalking him via the internet
Sui: nice! You win at the interstalkernet!

So today I revealed to my coworkers I'm a commie.

At least, that's what I decided to abbreviate my B.A. in communications to. I don't know why, but I thought that was hilarious when I came up with it. I made sure to let Hootie know that her degree in psychology made her a psycho, and let TII know that his degree in History makes him histrionic. He was not amused... though I think secretly he was amused but pretends to disapprove of things. Today, as a joke, I was sitting around off the clock waiting for Sista (I'd already gotten off work for the day but we wanted to have dinner together during her break) reading High Times, and I proudly displayed it to him and he was all fake-horrified.

By the way: High Times is actually really boring except for the ads. The ads, however: Awesome. Urinetheclear.com and "the whizzinator" are both products I hope to invest in and make a fortune.

Speaking of Sista (which I was before I got sidetracked by High Times), she's probably the first person I know in real life who has read the blog, and her verdict is, and I quote, "so I just read my friend Phoe's internet blog and I was laughing so hard." That makes me relieved. I only even told one other person about my blog, and then she couldn't remember how to get to it and never asked again, so either she visited it and hated it and pretended she hadn't, or she genuinely didn't have enough interest. I'm hoping it's the latter. She's one of the gang of religious kids I hung out with in high school, and I'm pretty sure some of the stuff I've said on here could upset her. But she was all, "no, I really wouldn't get offended," before I told her, so who knows. I could actually probably use Sista's real name now that she knows about my blog, but I bet she would feel left out if she was denied a secret identity from my elaborate system of pseudonyms.

Sista is trying to hook me up with her friend GI Joe, by the way. Which I appreciate, as I need all the help I can get with men. Anyhow, I'm breaking the rule and calling him GI Joe (his real name is Joe) because it's too perfect of a nickname to pass up. Apparently he's in the Navy . So "Navy Joe" quickly became "GI Joe," and thus an embarassing nickname for someone who doesn't even know I exist was born. Anyway, she says GI Joe and I have the same kind of humor or something.



I WAS told I was awesome today. I was doing my usual friendly banter routine with the customers, and Lister was like, "Phoe, you're awesome" kind of out of nowhere. And I was like, "wha?" and he said he liked my customer banter.

Which, by the way, one of my stock pieces of banter is saying, "now don't spend it all in one place!" whenever a customer gets back a penny for change. Mulva was there while I said it once today, and he was like, "You're mocking the customer, Phoe! Now they'll feel bad about how they don't have any money anymore after shopping here!" and this was right in front of a customer, and since we have to hit them up for their email to give them coupons anyway, I kind of included her and was like, "well... if you give us your e-mail you can get coupons and be much richer after the next time you visit the store," and Mulva was like, "In spirit, Phoe. Richer in spirit."

I think we make a great team at bantering.

In other news (I just now noticed this is the longest post ever.... hahah, you losers still have to read it): I think my nephew is one o' them there genius babies. I mean, I'm kind of joking, but I'm kind of not. He's less than a year and a half old, and he's been going to the refrigerator when he wants food. And when someone opens it, he finds and gets out exactly what his favorite food is. AND, I forgot to mention this when he originally started it, but he throws garbage into the trashcan too. And like... he doesn't just throw everything in the garbage, he actually finds garbage and then goes to the trash can and throws it away. And he's done it multiple times, so it's not a fluke. By the time he is potty trained, I can just tell he's going to be our evil overlord, for sure.

When I got my haircut, I also got my eyebrows waxed. It kind of backfired, because I think my hairdresser was a little overzealous with the waxing. She shaped them into these arch-things that I think give me a sort of perpetually startled-looking expression.

Phoemeister: now I'm arguing with him over when the last weird al album came out
Phoemeister: I have no idea when the last weird album came out
Phoemeister: but my goal is to actually make him get up and go and find it
Phoemeister: because he's so intent to prove it to me
Phoemeister: even though he doesn't know who the hell I am
Sui: haha
Sui: you're a freak you know that?

I got a phone call from the customer who's always in a permenant drug haze. He was all asking me to look up King of the Hill, and I listed out all the seasons we have and how much they cost, and then he was like, "thank you," and hung up on me.

And I got a phone call from this old confused customer who's always calling us up to look up obscure music albums and order them and then cancel them and then call us back up and yell at us for canceling the orders.... anyway, he makes you look up all the songs on each album and list them out to him. I've gotten to the point where I say them all in a kind of automated moviefone-like voice, so that the "I want you baby!" sort of titles sound less like I actually want whoever's on the phone. But I did break down and start giggling today when one of the song titles was "Do Me." I bet he's a dirty old man who does this on purpose.

We've also started this thing where if someone calls us up and puts something on hold, we put another book on hold that we think that customer might also like. I've been itching to try it out (for some reason I haven't been getting holds over the phone and thus no opportunity). But today I got two and I was all sad because neither person wanted something I could easily reccomend something else I liked for. Someone wanted some book of christian fiction, and so I put some other random christian fiction book in with it that looked like it was a bestseller or something and wrote "more great christian fiction!" on the slip where it says why we are reccomending it. The other one was Home Alone, and I put in Home Alone 3 and said, "More great Home Alone Fun!" True story.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. For... no real reason. I just hate my hair. But I always hate my hair.

I'm thinking of getting bangs again.