My IBS has been acting up a lot lately....... I know no one wants to read about irritable bowel syndrome, but these last couple years, it's one of the main parts of my life.

Anyway, I was sitting on the toilet, thinking while having my massive pain. I mean, I think of this first thought a lot: that I'm in the freaking prime of my life, and I still have a painful disease, and it pisses me off, but then I thought of another thing.

I thought of the time that me and my roommate were watching "As Good as it Gets." There's this scene, where Jack Nicholson's character comes out of therapy into this room of mentally ill people and says, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

My roommate remarked that that's a horrible thing to say to someone with mental problems. And I made some crack about how I'd be pissed if someone said it to me (I have only 1 real friend, an overbearing mother, bureaucracy that's constantly screwing me, I live in a tiny hole next to obnoxious neighbors (this was a little while ago), and I don't like anything that I'm studying)

And she turned to me, and was like, "Isn't it? I mean, I'd like to own my own house (I'm thinking, good luck with that, she wants to be a teacher, and they have the crappiest credit ratings ever), but this is pretty much it."

I would cry if my life is as good as it gets. I'm sure I'm a selfish bastard considering all the people with worse problems, but sitting on the toilet for half of my life? And never having a man in my life, even? When I die, I do not want to be able to say I spent more time on the toilet than with someone I loved. That I've plugged up the toilet more times than I've been kissed.

And they tell me that most girls my age with IBS eventually grow out of it (my one ray of hope, since not one of their stupid medicine's have helped me) but is it true? Will I? Even so, do I want to spend my twenties like this? I'm already so fucking sick of being sick, can I take much more of this? God I'm depressed right now.