So, I kind of hated the new sup at first, but then he seemed nice so I kind of didn't, but now I kind of do again because it's becoming readily apparent that he is totally incompetant (before I had kind of just written it off to being new, but he's finally started doing a ton of stuff that I KNOW he should know better than to do by now).

First off, he apparently assigns things for me to do, and then just doesn't tell me.

Secondly, he does not cross off things that are done, so I start doing them and then realize they are done and have wasted my time. This makes me not want to start doing things out of my own initiative, so I end up not getting done things not done either, because I don't know what to effing do or not.

Today he finally did assign me something (GLS), and it pissed me off. First off, he wrote the note in this totally condescending way, "you will find the cd's you need in section" "shelve the ones you take down," etc. etc. when I'm the one who fuckin' told him that and taught him how to do GLS in the first place! Also, if he had just written a note that said, "do the GLS" or something, I would've checked in the cage to see if there was anything in there needed for GLS, since he wrote it like that, I assumed all the cd's I needed were in section for some reason (once in awhile people just go ahead and shelve GLS or we get a late shipment or something) and didn't even check. So..... yeah, after awhile I realized I was missing an awful lot of crap for what I was doing, went back to the cage, and BAM! two whole boxes of unkeepered boxes of CD's with GLS written boldly on the side. I HATE THE WORLD.

Son of a hooker! I REALLY need to start taking shopping lists with me. I went to Wal Mart today for two things and got neither of them, only a lot of random other stuff.

I should not have to work today! Reason: had pimp skitters on my day off. The WHOLE day.

There should also be a rule that if I ever go home sick because of colitis, that it's excused as long as I can come up with a funny euphemism for diahrea. I HAVE HUNDREDS!

So today sucked. The colitis was like whoa. I'd planned to get out and get some groceries and/or a lamp, but didn't really do that. I did go to lunch with Optpri, though, as she was nearby (oh, who am I kidding, she's always nearby, it is just awesome to have lunch with her). She made me do a spit-take, which is probably the first time ever. It was pretty disgusting, spraying my rootbeer all over, but she said that actually it made her happy because now she can say she's made someone do that.

Other than that I didn't really go out at all. I like that the colitis didn't act up at work, in that I probably would've had to go home or just wasted payroll hours going to the bathroom over and over, and making people cover for me at reg. But... it sucks to use up my day off doing painful toilet time.

So I went into bed bath and beyond looking for a lamp, and ended up with an endtable. I probably could've gotten one cheaper at walmart or something, but I just wanted to buy it and get it up, because I'm tired of putting my fan on a pile of boxes at night, and BBB is right next to where I work. Also, I wish I'd talked to my parents before I went there, as unbeknownst to me, they had a 20% off coupon for BBB. D'oh.

Also, I think it's meant to be that I call the Love Shack the Love Shack, as the reason I started calling it that in the first place is I heard it on the radio not too long after I moved in, and in BBB it started playing again. Fate, man. Fate.

So today sucked so bad. I meant to do some shopping after work (groceries/lamp), but well... that didn't get done. I went out to dinner with my parents and sister instead (they paid) and then suffering from a severe bought of what I like to call "lady troubles" and depression over my car, I just went home.

Oh yeah, that's right, I fucked up my car. There's this kind of parking lot-ish thing behind the love shack that opens out into a narrow alley. For some stupid reason there's a little railing along the one side of the alley. But who knows why? It's not that high, so obviously it doesn't keep anything away from anything or screen anyone's view of anything. Anyway, this all takes a lot of manuvering to get in and out of because of the rail, various trees, and this big-ass van that never seems to not be in the lot. And manuvering is not my strong point.

I managed to run into the railing. Not because I wasn't looking, but because I got so close to it I couldn't figure out how to get back away from it, every attempt I made just made it worse until I ended up popping out my hubcap. Oh, and also, I didn't notice this until my dad pointed it out, but I really fucked up the bottom side of the car as well, which will be a lot harder to repair than some dumb hubcap.

This is why I should not be allowed to drive a car.

Anyway some nice ladies (I think from the house next door) helped me out with it, but I was still late to work and bitter. So anyway, I'm parking on the street now. Stay tuned for the accident I next have attempting to parallel park.

Oh, and of course I called ahead to work to tell them what was going on, and someone told TII what I did, because he comes up with this superior smirk and is like, "how do you get stuck on a rail?"

And I was like, "I KNOW I SUCK AT DRIVING, OKAY?? THE PIECES OF MY HUBCAP I HAVE SITTING IN MY PASSENGER SEAT RIGHT NOW ARE MORE THAN AMPLE AS A REMINDER." And then he tries to backpedal, saying he knows lots of bad drivers, including his ex wife.

Okay...... he tries to make me feel better by comparing me to the woman who has made him hate the world. THANKS. Not what I needed to brighten my day. Especially since he's clearly still fixated on the woman. They've been divorced for years now, but he still constantly finds excuses to bring her up, such as this conversation.

In lighter news: my parents got me drunk and then we went to target to look at George Foreman grills, the day before yesterday. I forgot to blog it, but it's actually kind of amusing.

Mulva: Living alone has made you antisocial.
Me: this is only the second day....
Mulva: It's happening quickly. She's already started calling the appartement the "sniper's nest"
Me: I prefer spiderhole. Though seriously, I'm calling it the love shack.
TII: You shouldn't call it that.
Me: Why?
TII: I don't think your parents will appreciate it.
Me: My parents full well know how little I am loved.

Then Renegade just starts laughing from halfway across the room.

I LOVE CABLE INTERNET.

The only problem, though, is now that I have the new computer set up and the cable interweb set up, I don't want to do anything else. Ever.

Which presents me with some difficulties in setting up the love shack.

Yes, I said it! I called my new appartement the love shack!

I have a feeling, though, that as time wears on and I continue to get no love, the nickname will become increasingly ironic.

Anyway, I'm a lot happier than yesterday. My dad did stay all pissy. And just randomly had a dentist appointment in the middle of the day he didn't tell me about, so they just deposited me at my sister's house for one and a half hours with nothing to do. It's weird, I would've thought my mom would be a jerk about this and my dad cool, but it was kind of opposite. My mom bought me all this stuff, and didn't really help move (bad hip) but wasn't negative..... AND BOUGHT ME ALL THIS STUFF!!!

I have to admit, my dad was right about the couch. Not that it was that heavy, but yes, it was too long to manuever. My new neighbors watched in disbelief as four people frickin' lugged that thing around a curved, steep staircase, only to not be able to get around the corner on the landing into my door. BUT, we did manage it.

I think he meant it as a joke, but one of the neighbors mentioned popping out the ceiling in front of the door. And.... we did. It sucked pretty bad, because a flood of random crap that was up there came down on us, the couch, and the hallway when we did it. And I'm not talking like.... some crap. There is a huge garbage bag at least a fourth full of crap from up there in my trash can right now, which I cleaned up using a broom (not too useful since this was on carpet, but it got some of it) and my vaccuum, which is pretty much a glorified dust buster.

Good times.

But I can say that the shower works fine. AND MY NEW COMPUTER!!!

I LOVE CABLE INTERNET.

The only problem, though, is now that I have the new computer set up and the cable interweb set up, I don't want to do anything else. Ever.

Which presents me with some difficulties in setting up the love shack.

Yes, I said it! I called my new appartement the love shack!

I have a feeling, though, that as time wears on and I continue to get no love, the nickname will become increasingly ironic.

Anyway, I'm a lot happier than yesterday. My dad did stay all pissy. And just randomly had a dentist appointment in the middle of the day he didn't tell me about, so they just deposited me at my sister's house for one and a half hours with nothing to do. It's weird, I would've thought my mom would be a jerk about this and my dad cool, but it was kind of opposite. My mom bought me all this stuff, and didn't really help move (bad hip) but wasn't negative..... AND BOUGHT ME ALL THIS STUFF!!!

I have to admit, my dad was right about the couch. Not that it was that heavy, but yes, it was too long to manuever. My new neighbors watched in disbelief as four people frickin' lugged that thing around a curved, steep staircase, only to not be able to get around the corner on the landing into my door. BUT, we did manage it.

I think he meant it as a joke, but one of the neighbors mentioned popping out the ceiling in front of the door. And.... we did. It sucked pretty bad, because a flood of random crap that was up there came down on us, the couch, and the hallway when we did it. And I'm not talking like.... some crap. There is a huge garbage bag at least a fourth full of crap from up there in my trash can right now, which I cleaned up using a broom (not too useful since this was on carpet, but it got some of it) and my vaccuum, which is pretty much a glorified dust buster.

Good times.

But I can say that the shower works fine. AND MY NEW COMPUTER!!!

So I've pretty much decided that I'm going to have to live in my new appartement forever because I NEVER want to move ever again.

Seriously... it's not even the general crappiness associated with moving, it's the crap I'm going through having to try and coordinate people's various schedules and then finding out it doesn't even matter after all, because apparently my Dad has his own plans he's been making this whole time that do not mesh with mine at all.

And he's being so pissy about the whole thing. If I try to do anything that in any way deviates from the way he'd do it, he gets all hostile and then gets mad at me when I get so irritated about the whole thing I finally yell at him. He's especially being a big old girl about this big couch we have in the basement I want to take. It's kind of long, so it's a fairly big couch and he thinks we'll have trouble lifting it. First off, it is not that big. Why he thinks four people can't handle it, I have no idea. Secondly, if four people can't carry it, why does he think any more can help? You can't really fit any more people than that around the couch, and I'm kind of dubious that you can even fit that many. He thinks that Carmax's truck won't fit it, even though Carmax says she's transported a fairly sizeable sofa in it before, and it's no big deal if a little bit of it hangs off as long as most of it's in there. He doesn't want to work on my timetable at all (i.e. he wants to do it early in the morning when I don't want to get up that early, when my sister won't be available (she's taking the afternoon off work to help), and when I had arranged to move in the first place because I thought I was using Carmax's truck and and when Optpri might be available to help. He got mad at me because I didn't pack most of my stuff until tonight.

Basically, it's one big whiney arguement fest, and I have been in a shitty mood all week. I've decided though, that no matter what, I'm getting moved even if the couch has to wait a little while to join me. I'm already paying rent and utilities, my cable internet gets activated on thursday, and I'm damn well going to be over there. Also, the more I'm over there the less I have to stay here and deal with this "ooooooh nooooooooo what are we going to do about the coooooooooooooouch." crap. Which, by the way, didn't start until lately, when I started making plans based on being able to have a couch, even though he's known for like 5 months I'm going to take that couch, so why didn't he think of his stupid ideas to move it that will delay my moving now but wouldn't have delayed us if he thought of them 5 months ago then.

....end of angry rant. Oh, and also, anyone who says I have bad musical taste can bite me! I'm sick of it! And I'm especially not taking any of that shit from someone who likes Coldplay.

Okay, NOW end of angry rant.

So.... not only am I busy moving, but the interweb is doubly slow lately. I will be very happy to not have this stupid ISP anymore.

I am a little dismayed about the lack of cheap furniture in the world. I guess I need to hoof it to more yard sales, but the Salvation Army sucks, and Goodwill doesn't even carry any furniture. Walmart, too, has let me down. The cheapest table (and I am a little limited in that my kitchen is tiny, which is why I can't use the free one from my sister) is like 90 bucks, and they don't really have any chests of drawers for under 100.

It's not so much that I am too cheap to pay for furniture, it's that I'm too cheap for furniture that I will probably want to get rid of anyway if I ever move into a bigger appartement and actually want things to look nice and/or match.

The store is making me feel less and less happy to work there. Sista sat me down today when I started whining about it and said, "Seriously, you need another job. You have a degree." The store DOES seem to gradually be running itself into the ground. Everything they try to do to deal with things like the interweb stealing our music sales, such as the rewards program, the new coffee shop, and the gifts and stationary section are like an anvil around their neck dragging them down, and it's making all of their employees suffer. Plus... I really do not make enough money. Substantially less than 400 bucks a paycheck is crazy, man. On top of that as well is the fact that everyone I like has quit/is quitting soon (except for Optpri, who strangly seems to actually like retail most of the time) and the new people they hire have been pretty lame.

But no one else would hire me in the first place, so who knows.

So... real sales tactics aren't as persuasive to me as stupid things, apparently. Today I ended up picking up a chocolate graham cracker at the cafe just because I ended up standing there long enough to convince myself to do it. And I basically got my internet through the electric company (they kind of brokered the deal between me and the cable company) because I felt bad for the guy I was talking to. I'd already shot him down on landline phone and cable TV and I was hearing a hint of desperation in his voice. And I wanted cable internet anyway.

Anyway, I think the bulk of the move will happen one Wednesday or Thursday, as those are my days off. It all hinges on Carmax and her truck, though, and I've had a lot of trouble getting ahold of her when I need to the last few months. I hope it works out.

I think most of the smaller things I might go gradual on. And I need to buy a few things too.

Also, the computer came today! My internet at the appartement won't be hooked up until the 6th, or I'd be tempted to go over there and set it up now.

Got my keys! Think I can fit in the couch and bed without resorting to a loft! I actually do have a closet! Signed up for high speed internet through my electric company somehow! Good times!

So guess what? My landlord called today, and I can pick up my keys tomorrow! I have some prep to do (packing, eyeballing the space to decide how much furniture I can cram in), but then I'm moving in!

Also, my computer shipped yesterday, and should get here in 3-5 business days.

Everything is coming up Phoemeister!

I also wanted to mention that tonight was pretty cool, I went to Denny's with Sista, Optpri, and Elaine. We discussed serial killers, having sex with JFK's gunshot wound, and their line of fruity drinks with names such as "rasdango" and "Banana Strawberry OJ Fizzle."

Also, I think I came up with the best comeback ever:

Elaine (to me): You crackhead!
Me: I think you mean cracker.

So I was thinking of having TWO moving in parties, as the thought of only getting two people to come to my "real" one depresses me a little. So this one would kind of be quantity and the other quality. And this way Sista could come to the first one, even if she couldn't come to the second one.

I'm thinking of inviting EVERYONE from the store, and then the one high school friend I hang out with, and my sister. But inviting my sister means my parents would probably be all, "why aren't we invited?" and even though I'll have to tone down my usual talk about such things as "ass raping monkeys*" anyway if my sister and my christian friend came, it would still be a HUGE lame downer to have my frickin' parents to a party. But I'm hoping I could get them to see reason. Having my sister there would be nice, as she actually can be fun sometimes. It might suck for her, though, not knowing anyone there. But she could always feel free to bring her husband, since they have no lack of babysitters in the form of three sets of grandparents.

Then, I know everyone from the store won't actually come, as my pitiful attempts in the past have proved. But I HAVE been told part of the lack of enthusiasm for previous ventures has been lack of booze, so I'm thinking of making margaritas. I really don't want to have to buy a whole lot of beer, especially since I don't particularly like beer, but do like fruity girly mixed drinks. Also, Sista proclaims her love for margaritas constantly, so I figure I have at least one person agreeing with me there. But I don't know, margaritas might not be that big of a draw.

Lastly, I don't know if I should come up with something to do. I am perfectly happy with hanging out with people and not really doing anything, but I have learned not everyone likes that. Is free food, and moreover free alcohol, enough of a draw on it's own? It totally would be for me but again..... I don't know.

Thoughts? Advice?
____
* direct quote from P 2 tha E on what I tend to obsess over.

More Ryan talk (I can't help it! These convers must be saved for posterity!)

Sui: what's great about having retarded babies, is you basically just all the things you would normally not do during pregnancy
Phoemeister:I could get drunk and smoke and fall down all I want
Sui: woo!
Sui: it's a party
Phoemeister: "I love to fall down!"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: maybe I could get that abusive boyfriend I've always wanted
Sui: at least when your boyfriend beats you, you won't have to worry about the baby
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: I beat you to tat joke!
Sui: damnit!
Phoemeister: for once I win!
Phoemeister: I do think it's eerie how often we both say basically the same thing
Sui: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Phoemeister: you're in MY HEAD
Phoemeister: I am not your John Malkovich!
Sui: haha
Sui: I was thinking about that movie the other day
Sui: and how like.. 20 years from now if someone watches it
Sui: and didn't know
Sui: and thought it was a biography about John Malkovich

In which I make fun of things for sale at the swedish american museum center in Chicago:

Phoemeister: holy jesus, there's this series of four books about swedish emigrants and it just gets more and more depressing
Phoemeister: THE EMIGRANTS (BOOK 1)
The story why one out of every five Swedes went to America on a dangerous quest for freedom.
Sui: BOOK 5: DYING HORRIBLY IN A BOAT WHILE LYING IN YOUR OWN FECES
Phoemeister: So it's like, "okay, sweden sucks. Let's make a dangerous quest to go to america. But where will we stay when we leave our frozen homeland?"
Phoemeister: UNTO A GOOD LAND (BOOK 2)
Karl Oskar and Kristina Nilsson arrive in America and make their way to Minnesota.
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: "Okay, we're in Minnesota. Not really worth all the work to get here, but at least we are allowed to own our own land."
Phoemeister: THE SETTLERS (BOOK 3)
How the family loses their farm amidst great struggle and poverty.
Phoemeister: "shit, we lost our farm. Now what are we going to do? We can't even afford to go back to Sweden now."
Phoemeister: LAST LETTER HOME (BOOK 4)
The decision to stay in America and the need for a Swedish church and pastor.
Phoemeister: "I guess we're here to stay. We'll have to hire a pastor to make us feel better about our new horrible lives in Minnesota."
Sui: haha


Sui: do they have caldendars with the swedish bikini team?
Phoemeister: no
Sui: damn
Phoemeister: but you can get "THE SCANDINAVIAN ELVES, their Life & History
Want to know the difference between elfs and other beings? Learn the elf laws? Great color illustrations. "
Phoemeister: you could learn elf LAWS Ryan
Sui: haha
Sui: lies!
Sui: Elves have no laws!
Phoemeister: the first law of elves: you don't talk about the elves!
Sui: it's pure anarchy in the elvish kingdom!
Phoemeister: second law of elves: YOU DON"T TALK ABOUT ELVES
Sui: what about just swedish bikini team members for sale
Phoemeister: no swedish bikini team members, but you could get "THE SCANDINAVIAN TROLL, their Life & History
Why did the trolls feel unjustly treated? If you are under a spell, what do you do? Great color illustrations. "
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: You could have great color illustrations just in case you end up under a spell and can't read anymore
Sui: why are the trolls and elves books the same?
Phoemeister: haha, I don't know
Sui: haha it will be like a little reference card
Sui: next to "what to do when you're choking" and "how to care for a burn"
Phoemeister: LOL
Suibrom: "What to do when you're under a spell"
Sui: it's got a little troll guy
Sui: like.. giving the heimlich maneuver
Sui: only you're vomitting up spells
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I wish that enchantmants were as easy to get over as someone giving you the heimlich
Phoemeister: only if the spell was crabs or BO then no one would touch you to give you the heimlich
Sui: haha
Sui: Cure for BO Spell: take a shower
Suibrom: Cure for Crabs Spell: Hit 'em with the special shampoo.... spell.


Phoemeister: I think they should add "for your very own sweatshop!" to the description of this:
LOOM
Loom for children of 5 years of age and up. Weaving instructions included. 11 in x 15.7 in
Sui: haha
Sui: put your kids to work!
Sui: with the new "children's loom!"
Phoemeister: there's all these babies toys in here that aren't swedish either. They have like three different rattles on here that you could pretty much buy at Walmart
Phoemeister: "comes with the book sweatshops for fun and profit"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: "includes tips such as how to keep your workers happy with swedish american rattles."
Sui: "Teach your kids to make your money for you"
Phoemeister: "we believe our children are our future--and they can be your future too! Learn how they can help you retire early!"
Sui: haha nice


Sui: in the same shopping center, there is this "indoor discount mall" or something
Sui: and in big letters it says "OPEN EVERY DAY 10 - 7"
Sui: and then in small letters under that, it says "except tuesday"
Sui: which I thought was funny
Phoemeister: that is great
Phoemeister: I would show up on Tuesday and vandalize the place. I'd spraypaint, "WHAT THE FUCK? TUESDAY IS A DAY TOO."
Sui: hahah
Sui: yeah it makes me wonder what's special about tuesday that they're not open
Sui: or maybe, they're open but not from 10-7
Phoemeister: maybe they get the crabs spell every tuesday
Sui: haha
Sui: damn trolls
Sui: ruining my discount shopping on tuesday experience

Phoemeister: Elf Law 3: whoever smelt it, dealt it
Sui: hahah
Sui: "This is difficult to enforce because elves have such good senses of smell"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I love how there are already problems endemic to the elf law enforcement system

Also, I heart BOASAS very much.

I really felt like crap today (colitis--so you know it was really bad for me to leave. If I took off EVERY time I felt moderately shitty due to colitis I would never work) so I ended up leaving about an hour into my shift. I kind of hate the way we have the whole thing set up. If you do not come to work, leave early, or come late, even if you have a good excuse, you get an occurance. You get however many occurances in six months, you're reprimanded, and if you keep it up you get fired.

Which sucks because it means even if we're technically allowed personal time, it still looks bad to the rest of the company if you ever want a promotion or transfer. And if you hit the magic number you're in trouble. EVEN IF YOU HAVE A CRIPPLING BOWEL DISEASE THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.

Anyway, I lied (laid?) around most of the day. Usually I can get into kind of a doze that makes the time pass quicker until my body becomes reasonable again, but my parents were talking up a storm right outside my room today for some reason, so the painful day just crawled by.

After I felt better (about 5:00), my parents took me to Noodles, though. So that was a positive note.

Hmm..... I really wish I knew whether or not we are going to have an employee appreciation days this July, because I have stuff I want to buy that if I don't get a special day for, I just want to go ahead and buy already.

Add to that:

Giraffes? Giraffes! and Your Disgusting Head, two faux children's reference books put out by the McSweeney's people. They're in the bargain section right now, for like 3 bucks each. Hilariously, they are in with the actual children's books, and people have been mistaking them for such.

Music I am thinking of buying or stealing: Of Montreal: The Sunlandic Twins.

Book I am thinking of reading: I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith.

I also have to buy something for my nephew's birthday. And then my Dad's birthday.

Speaking of which, today was the brother in law's birthday, and I apparently picked well for him. He has liked books by Jon Stewart and Bill Maher, and the only other passions of his I know of are sports and Star Wars, of which I know not that much. So I went ahead and got him Brain Droppings by George Carlin. I figure it is snarky and observational enough, and I didn't think he had it already. I kind of wanted to get When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops, but I couldn't find it that day, and to be honest I took like 2 minutes picking this out for him. But he did say he liked it, so I think I'm pretty awesome. I'm still no Optpri, but I really think working in a book store is honing my picking out books for other people skills.

Today sucked a lot less, though I did get this one stupid customer who made a whole big thing about the rewards program. NEWSFLASH, buddy! You can just say no, and be done with it instead of being a big jerkoff about the whole thing. Of course, it is a lot more fun to take it out your weird anger issues on someone who only makes 7 bucks an hour and has absolutely no control over anything anyway.

I forgot to mention a conver I had yesterday with Renegade that was pretty funny.

Me: So, Sexy says I'm having a Renegade-level bad mood today.
Renegade: I'm not in a bad mood! He only thinks I'm in a bad mood because I hate him, and thus by definition am in a bad mood whenever I have to talk to him.

So then today, I'm stuck in some stupid conver with Sexy (mainly him still thinking I'm in a bad mood. Since I'm such a loud person normally, if I'm ever being low-key, people take my lack of singing, dancing, and hurling lewd insults at their mother as me being in a bad mood, mainly I was just tired today) and after he goes away, Renegade is like:

"He's such a douche. You think he's a douche too! Admit it!"
Me: Yeah. He really is. And when he was asking me why I'm in a bad mood again, I said, "Yeah, that happens," but what I was really thinking was of what you told me yesterday, and I wanted to say, "yeah, because I have to talk to YOU!"

In other news, Sista also said something amusing today as well:

Me: Yeah, well I can't just have sex with a guy if he doesn't want to. It takes two people, to decide this, you know!
Sista: No. It only takes one person, Phoe. One person and a high powered roofie. You can do it. I believe in you!

Okay.... major irritating whininess.

Wait for it...

wait for it....

and.... NOW!

Man..... I don't know if it's because I had such a crappy day or what, but I'm so depressed and lonely tonight. I always feel like doing stuff with people, but I never think about it until the last minute, and then I feel bad because the people are like, "um.... this is kind of last minute." And if I do call, EVERY PERSON EVER has more of a life than I do, and it involves a lot of haggling to come up with a good time for them to hang out. I wish people would just call me up to hang out, because I am free 90% of the time I don't work, and thanks to the store's crappiness, I only work like 30 hours a week nowadays, and it would be a lot easier if someone was like, "Hey, let's hang out, I'm free Tuesday" or whatever. But on the other hand, since they have MORE on their plate, it seems kind of crappy for me to be like, "Hey, you do all the work here."

Either way I feel like the needy one.

Which is stupid. I've even been invited to two parties recently! Two! Though.... I'm way better in small groups or one on one interactions. Especially if I'm plunged into a group of people I don't know. And it's looking like I can't really make the second one, anyway... But still. That is probably more parties than I was invited to for the whole of my college career.

I guess I should just blame my crappy day. Or the fact that we're into summer, and there is no good TV on. And my computer's broken so I can't play any games. And there's nothing good to binge eat around the house. And my parents dialup sucks so much tonight I can't even do what I've finding myself doing strangely often lately, which is just look at sites selling cell phones, cable internet services, mp3 players, or tea (strangely enough). And no one's online.

I've got a perfectly good Neil Gaiman book to read, though, but I just don't feel like it.

Sui: Dick Cheney says in regards to the argument about the war in Iraq, "Like the catholics, I consider pulling out a sin"
Phoemeister: HAHA, really???????
Sui: haha no
Phoemeister: awww
Sui: but he says "pulling out is the worst possible thing to do"
Phoemeister: I would've hated him slightly less for being funny, being vulgar, and making fun of catholics
Suibrom: that's the picture they have next to the "Cheney says pulling out is the worst thing to do" caption
Sui: he does look pretty distraut about pulling out
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: it looks like someone said, "Do you want some candy?"
and he was like, "Candy!?!? I'd love some!"
and the other person was like, "Psyyyyyche!"
Phoemeister: and he's like, "No candy?"
Sui: hahah
Sui: "but.. but.. I can't finish if I pull out.. D: "
Sui: though, the visual of someone saying "psyyyyyyche" to the vice president is pure gold
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: thanks
Phoemeister: well maybe it would fit into your scenario too.

"let's do it!"
"okay!"
*they get pretty far*
Psyyyyyyche! Pull out right now!
Sui: haha
Sui: that works too
Suibrom: but it's just not the same as deriving him candy
Phoemeister: no one says psyche anymore. I should bring that back
Phoemeister: yeah
Sui: haha I agree
Phoemeister: I really thought that was a "what? no candy?" face
Phoemeister: ".....you said there'd be candy."
Sui: haha
Sui: psyyyyyche
Phoemeister: hmm, for that picture, I can also see someone going, "Give me five!" and then doing that thing where they take their hand back and run it through their hair and saying, "Too slow, Cheney. Too slow. You will never be one of the cool kids."
Sui: hahah
Sui: nice
Sui: I like the image of cheney getting dissed
Sui: no matter the way
Phoemeister: me too
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: in reality, cheney would probably just get out a shotgun and shoot the guy
Sui: haha
Sui: in the face!
Sui: Cheney is straight gangsta
Phoemeister: and then tell the guy, "I will shoot you again if you don't pretend we are friends"
Phoemeister: and then 24 hours later put out a press release saying he shot the guy but they're still friends
Sui: "I shot you once, don't think I won't do it again. YOu better say we're friends"
Phoemeister: that's a brilliant idea though
Phoemeister: I could make a lot more friends by shooting people int he face
Sui: dude, we totally should have done that when you were here
Sui: we can be best friends
Sui: by shooting eachother in the face
Sui: I get to go first though

I hate the world!

Phoemeister: people are stupid!

which, by the way, I did look at the computer at work today and I DID bring back that book and those fuckers forgot to check it back in, and if they still make me pay for it I will be uber-pissed
Phoemeister: yuck :/
Sui: bah that sucks
Sui: jerks
Sui: kill them all
Phoemeister: I know!
Phoemeister: today blew so bad
Sui: doh why?
Phoemeister: they didn't give me anything to do and are always telling me I don't take initiative, so I just opened up our book of stuff to do and started doing something and of course it had been done but no one bothered to check it off, so I ended up wasting an hour gathering these books I iddn't need and then putting them back away when I found out the problem
Sui: blah that sucks a lot
Phoemeister: ALSO, there was a crazy rainstorm out so I was pretty much soaked the first half of the day
Phoemeister: then stupid lister made me move my mailbox (which is a whole stupid thing in and of itself but suffice it to say I was pissed, especially because of all the other crap that happened to me today and me being a douche about it made him pissed at me)
Phoemeister: then also (and this is like, an hour away from the end of my shift) he finally tells me that the new sup or someone had assigned something for me to do, and never told me
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: and he had thought that I was doing it back when I was doin gthe pointless thing that did nothing
Sui: nice
Phoemeister: so that's why he didn't let meknow
Sui: always great when people want you to do something, don't tell you to do it, and then get mad at you fornot doing it
Phoemeister: so I wrote this angry note to the new sup that says, "Fact: I tend to get things done better when I have actually been informed that I am supposed to do them."
Sui: haha nice
Phoemeister: so he will probably think I am a bitch, but I don't care
Phoemeister: today sucked so hard
Suib: eh fuck 'em
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: it was pretty funny, right about when I was leaving work Sista was like, "the store CAN SHOVE IT UP THEIR ASS!!! I am so sick of them!" and I was like, "I TOTALLY AGREE. ME TOO!!!!" and I don't even know what she's mad about
Phoemeister: oh, and this isn't out of the ordinary, because they do it to me all the time nowadays
Phoemeister: but I got stuck with the stupid slap in the face half break
Phoemeister: Oh AND this morning I almost got in a head on collision with some woman
Sui: ack that's not good
Phoemeister: it was pouring down, and the stoplight wasn't working so we were taking turns like at a stop sign
Phoemeister: and she decided to just randomly try to turn left while me and the car next to me went

Dr4g0n: just playing some wow and watching star trek TNG
Phoemeister: which episode?
Dr4g0n: the first one with Lor
Phoemeister: ooooooh
Dr4g0n: i like it a lot
Phoemeister: good episode!
Dr4g0n: hehe
Dr4g0n: yah it is
Dr4g0n: prolly one of my favs
Dr4g0nR: brent spiner is an awesome actor
Phoemeister: I know!
Phoemeister: I love him
Phoemeister: I want his android babies
Dr4g0nR: haha
Dr4g0n: Phoe's milkshake brings all the android boys to the yard

So today I had christmas candy from like two years ago. And yesterday I had macaroni and cheese from 1996. I was in Jr High when that mac and cheese came into existance.

I probably actually deserve my crippling bowel disease.

This is kind of for my own purposes, because a lot of the things on there I am always forgetting, have been wanting to see/read/hear for years now, and I am tired of it!

Movies I mean to see:

Trainspotting
Bubble
Memento
Identity
Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
Tron
Sid & Nancy
Dummy
Four Rooms
everything by Miyazaki except for Spirited Away, which is the only one I've already seen
Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Books I mean to read:

Fluke (which is the book I have checked out now but can't find)
Practical Demonkeeping
Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Dirty Job - Christopher Moore for all of the above
Stiff - Mary Roach
Smoke & Mirrors - Neil Gaiman (I kind of want to read all the Sandman series too, but I don't know where I can check it out for free, I can't really at work because we only have one copy of each)
Assasination Vacation - Sarah Vowell
Yes Man - Danny Wallace
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
Possible Side Effects
Dry
Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs for the above as well
Kurt Vonnegut's nonfiction backlogue
something or other by Don Delillo, someone once told me I might like him but I've never gotten around to it

Books I have already read but mean to buy at some point:

Long Way Down
Anansi Boys
The few remaining pieces of the Kurt Vonnegut fiction backlogue I've checked out at various libraries. Bluebeard comes to mind first, it's one of my favorites but I don't have it, but there are others.

Music I am considering to buy or steal:

Say Anything is a Real Boy - Say Anything
The New Fellas - The Cribs
No Rest for Ghosts - Minus Story
The Red Tree - Moneen
anything Ben Folds has offered exclusively on Itunes but that I couldn't get Itunes, as my old computer is a piece of crap.

Conver I had with Ryan RE: my movie list:

Sui: man I have Tron
Sui: we should have watched that
Phoemeister: Tron is kind of a joke, I'm planning to see it with Optpri sometime because we talk about it all the time
Phoemeister: haha, I saw it at your place and thought of saying something
Phoemeister: but I'm pretty losery already without having to admit that when I was in vegas I watched Tron
Sui: haha

Gah. Man I feel like crap. My legs hurt so much. If this is what it's like to acclimate back to work, I may never take a vacation again.

At least I have two days off now. Hopefully that will let them rest from the damage that's been incurred this week but be short enough not to atrophy them for me again.

Before the legs got sore I was in a good mood today. I got down to business RE: what computer I want, and finally narrowed it down, and it was a lot of fun. I'd already decided I wanted a Dell or an Apple (they tend to break the least according to consumer reports, and hell yeah I am tired of broken computers), and last night I decided on Dell, so I spent like 5 hours today customizing various Dell computers and narrowing down my choices. Seriously, computer shopping for me is like the girly girl's version of an enjoyable shopping trip and trying everything on in the store before deciding on something. I was in heaven.

Most heavenly: my parents are footing the bill for it, too, a kind of belated college graduation present. They set a spending limit of about 2,000, and then I decided that I totally wanted a kickass awesome as possible computer, and would pay the extra. So I was totally making customizations of the fanciest ones possible and drooling over them. It was basically nerd porn.

I stepped back for a minute, though, and realized I would probably never use some of the features. I reduced it to a more reasonable price (about 2,500), and what I decided on I like to think of as the cadillac of desktop computers. Less flashy than a ferrari, but awesome enough to get a few looks (one terrabyte hard drive, y'all! Dual core pentium processor!), and hopefully if I did my job right, I can use it for a really long time. And my parents said they'd pay the extra after all, so I win!

I was also looking at cell phone plans (the pay as you go is way expensive, I decided) with less excitement. I think I'm actually going to have to go into a cell store or something, because the websites were not that informative. I really don't want to pay that much. I was thinking of maybe a land line instead once I get my place, but now that I have a taste for cellular, I like it too much to go back!

Man.... now that I have my own phone, I spend an insane amount of time sitting around hoping someone will call or text me.

So.... I guess your life is alright when this is the most pressing thing on your brain, but still, it is driving me nuts. I just have not had the energy (I've been working every morning since I got back, and when I get home from work my legs have been killing me) to tear through everything and completely resolve the issue, but I am constantly worrying about it:

Phoemeister: I'm seriously tired of being forgetful though
Phoemeister: there's this book I checked out from work, and I thought I had returned it, but I guess I didn't, and now i can't find it and now I might have to buy it even though I don't want to. And it will doubly blow if I really did return it, but there's no way to know for sure.
Sui: hmm there's not any kind of record keeping or sign in sheet or anything?
Phoemeister: Yeah, well the managers have a file on the computer or something. And it says I didn't return it. BUT, the thing is all the time I'll bring something back I checked out and whoever's supposed to sign it back in forgets and lets it sit there like five hours. AND the place we usually let things like that sit also accumulates random other crap, so someone else could've conceivably picked it up and shelved it without knowing. But since it would've happened before I left for vacation, I don't think anyone would remember whether they saw it there or not.
Sui: so you shoudl totally just go there, and sign that you returned it
Phoemeister: I'm hoping I find it..... I haven't done a 100% thorough search around the house yet, and my stuff IS torn up from my mom making me "clean" before I left, but I really don't think I'm going to find it
Sui: and then feign ignorance when they ask where it is now
Phoemeister: but I am not 100% sure I DID return it, which is where the being tired of my own forgetfulness comes in :/

other random things I meant to add the first time around but was hurried:

1) I really am starting to worry that the store is going to go bankrupt or something. They keep shortening our hours and telling us we aren't making plan, and now I hear that we MIGHT not get employee appreciation days (where we get 40% off of most store merchandise) this July, which stinks because I've been hoarding my gift cards and this will make it either all for naught, or make me have to wait until November.

2) Do not let Flow Chart make mint tea for you. It will seriously strip the enamel off your teeth.

3) I HATE Frontier, my ISP, so much. It makes regular dial up look hella fast because it is so slow and stupid. It should not have taken me 11 minutes (literally) to load blogger so I could post this.

My legs hurt like crazy. Stupid week of not standing around all day, making me all soft.

Today was good otherwise, though. I only had two hours of registers! And not one but two customers actually took me up on reccomends, in the children's section, no less! And Sista let me make the Bean Friday announcement! And I had a customer tell me how wonderful the store is, which is nice for a change.

But I did have a customer angrily tell me that John Tesh plays the saxophone, no matter what delusions I have about him playing the piano, and another customer give me the verbal smack down about the online prices being cheaper than our instore prices. No, I do not know why.

Good times.

Today started rather poorly. Our power went out, so I went to McDonald's for breakfast, and of course the McDonald's stalker was there. That dude must work 70 hours a week.

He was all, "You haven't been in for awhile!" and I didn't really want to be like, "That's because I avoid you now!" or tell him I went on vacation because that would engage me in more awkward small talk, so I was just like, "Uh, yeah, that's how it goes sometimes."

Then at work I mentioned the McDonald's stalker, and everyone was all, "How is HE the stalker when you go to where HE is?" Renegade said I should use it to my atvantage, by trying to get free food and/or to get him free food. "Just touch his hand or something! You'll get a 10 piece nuggets!"

On an unrelated note, during reccomends this morning, Sexy reccomended that my mother "stop being such a hoebag," which made me like him more. It is clear he speaks my language.

Though usually annoying, shiv too cracked me up with a dig, this one at my trip: "You went to Vegas and didn't gamble? That's like going to the country and not riding a horse!" though Optpri later pointed out that sticking a quarter in a slot machine is still way easier than riding a horse, so shame on me.

Speaking of which, she and Sista and I went to Maggie Miley's for dinner. I tried Boxty or whatever it was, and was not impressed. Optpri was crazy nice and paid for it so I could get something else, since she suggested the place. So I totally demolished some cheesy potato skins. We had a lot of fun, discussing how the store's tea looks like it's "on the rag" (our tea filters apparently look like feminine hygiene products to some, my opinion was more "if it comes out that bright of a pink, you must have some crazy problems"), how Optpri has poisoned Mulva's mind against me, and how we should all watch Tron together soon.

Afterwards Sista and I went to B & N. I don't know why, but it is a TON of fun to go there. We looked through stupid magazines that we normally would make fun of, relationship self help books, and I looked at the pez pricing guide. It turns out I have quite a few old ones from when my sister and I were little that are about 20 bucks now, if I want to go to the effort of trying to find someone to buy them. Funnily, none of the actually cool ones are worth anything, just the stupid old holiday ones like the "easter chick" or whatever that I thought were a dime a dozen. Then we took self help quizzes with a pen we borrowed from the B & N staff, and then took the cosmo quiz. We gleaned that Sista is a hell raiser and I am boring.

Then we went to Dairy Queen and harassed people using my new cell phone! Whoo

1) MEH. I thought a break from work would make me less burned out, and thus happier to be at work than when I left, but this was wrong. It makes me miss not working even more now that I've had a taste of it. It had also made me forget all the BS we've had lately RE: less hours and ending up being at registers all the time, so it was extra annoying to come back to it and be like, "oh, yeah.... I forgot how crappy this was." BUT, I was happy to see my buddies again. Sista and Optpri seemed particularly happy I was back, and we're having dinner tomorrow. Optpri even wore the ugly shirt in response to the text message I sent her while I was away, consisting of, "I miss your ugly shirt. And your ugly face." Boy am I a great friend.

2) You KNOW you did nothing over your vacation when two different times during your first day back, a movie comes up and you're like, "I just watched that a couple of days ago!" Sexy had on a Boondock Saints T-shirt, so I felt the need to inform him that I'd seen it, and later on I was making a drilling motion with my hand at my head to illustrate what listening to the new Bruce Springsteen Seeger sessions album does to my nerves, and Mulva's like, "In a Pi mood, eh?" and I was like, "I just watched that a couple of days ago!" True story. Also several times I was asked if I gambled, which I had to say no to. Sista was like, "not even one quarter?" and I was like, "Yeah, Ryan told me I should when I was in the airport about to go back (they have slots frickin everywhere there, the airport, the grocery store, gas stations, etc.) and I was like, 'Why don't YOU do it!' and he was like, 'I don't really want to waste a quarter.' and that's pretty much how I feel too." Also a true story. Most people DID think it was pretty lame that I went to Vegas and didn't do that much, but SCREW YOU! I lived out Ocean's 11! Kind of.

3) Sista also brought up the problem I already know I'm going to have with my parents RE: Ryan visiting in August. Seriously, I don't really want to tell them, because what business of theirs is it anyhow? Since I'll be living on my own by then, if I were hanging out with one of my regular friends, they wouldn't even care, there would be no reason to tell them. Also, if he were going to serial kill me, I think he would've done it back when I was on his turf. Lastly, him visiting will only further give them the wrong impression that we are doing it, which, just to make sure the world absolutely knows: WE ARE NOT. But on the other hand, if it comes up for some reason, I don't want to look like I was lying or something because that will make me look like a liar, and even MORE like I am doing it but ashamed. Believe me, when I do it I will not be ashamed! I will let the world know that it has been done with much bragging and pelvic thrusting! But until there is doing of it, I do not want my parents under an erroneous impression about it.

4) People are already asking me if I've moved yet, perhaps because since Mouse is no longer at work they figure he's moved out, thus clearing the stage for me. No, it has not happened. It will happen sometime near the beginning of July. No, I am not exactly sure because Mouse has never told me precisely, plus the landlord wants to clean and paint a little after he's gone, and I don't know how long that will take. I kind of wish I had some measurements of the place so that I could go around buying stuff already, but I don't really want to call up Mouse and badger him to let me measure stuff while he's still living there.

5) I have a new phone! Yes.... this actually happened before my trip, but now I have finally given the number out (actually I just texted a whole bunch of people with "yo, this is from Phoe's new cell!") to everyone, and am going to try to remember to actually keep it turned on most of the time. It's a pay as you go type thing, so I miiight end up just signing up for a real plan after I use up the minutes I have on it already, but I am not sure. I will be sure to text everyone "learn my NEW new number, bitches!" again if I do switch phones. I am addicted to texting already, by the way. I blame Sista.

6) Deep dark secrets I learned about Ryan when I was in Vegas: he was beaten up by the Chess Team in high school, he has lots of dead hookers in his basement, and the dead hookers have occaisonally beaten him up too, but he likes it.

7) I wish my bowels were like they were in Vegas. It makes me sad that they're bad again. I think maybe it was my eating habits in Vegas? At home I have a tendency to eat constantly and/or too much at once. Whereas I ate like a normal person over there. My dad even asked me if I lost weight because he thought I looked thinner. This bodes well for when I move out, as I will probably eat more normally then too.

8) My parents are crazy. Right when I got home and was crazy tired, they peppered me with questions about the trip and I was all, "don't want to talk now. too tired." But after I finally napped and was well rested: no questions at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Phoemeister has landed.

IE: I am back home, I had a safe flight, and a 7 hour nap and all that, and am ready to work again tomorrow. I'm hoping I did not lose my well-honed ability to stand up for 8 hours with a minimum of pain.

Last day in Vegas!

All in all, it's been a good trip. No male strippers, but I did catch a TV show last night called "dance your pants off," so.....

Yeah, most unsexy show ever. But they stripped, so I feel like I've fulfilled my Vegas duty to you all.

I also got to live out the one legal portion of my Ocean's 11 fantasies (I saw the fountains at the Belagio). That has nothing to do with male strippers, but SCREW YOU! There is more to life than strippers! I.E. acting out parts of my favorite movies.

Vacation still going great! I finally saw the strip, though that is still probably not enough excitement for some of you. Sista told me she would not be happy unless I came back with a story involving snorting coke off a male stripper's g string, but alas, that has not happened.

One very exciting thing (for me) is that my bowels have been AWESOME! I'm not even kidding. Frequency of #2's: down to once a day. Random pain/feeling sick: down 90%. Grossness of bowel movements: eh... still the same. But believe me, that is remarkable for me, and it makes me want to dance like I have ass in my pants.

Don't you love it when you're in a closet with a guy at a grade school and he turns on "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye?

Of course, being an unregistered visiter from the internet to a grade school on 6/6/6 makes me creepy too.

Seriously, though, I am having a pretty good time. I haven't done many touristy things yet, so I kind of dread the phone calls I give to my parents, as they're all "what have you done?" and I don't want to be like, "I watched 18 episodes of the Upright Citizens Brigade back to back." Because while UCB IS hilarious, I don't think my parents would approve.

So I'm just like, "Ummm... I saw the Hoover Dam," because that's basically all I've done so far besides watch massive amounts of TV, hang out with Ryan's friends, and read the better half of Jarhead.

So today..... whoa. I was in a good mood. Because hey, I'm going to vegas tomorrow!

I probably scared people with my hyperness. Screw them, though. I'm going to vegas!

Then after work Mouse had kind of a going away get together. It was AWESOME. I thought we were going to have to stay at this shitty bar (I hate all bars but this one was particularly awful), but we ended up going to a pizza place. It was awesome because the music wasn't loud, and we were like the only ones there. Also I got pizza, and it was delicious! And it had the best jukebox ever. AND, we played darts and me and my partner won BOTH TIMES.

Anyway, I will miss him, but it was a great time.

HOWEVER, I did end up driving Mulva there, because he left his lights on all day and so his battery died (HAHA, I am not the only one who does this!) then when I went to jump his car afterwards MY car died. So then we had to call up my parents. My dad was pretty cool about it, especially since it turned out my car wasn't dead at all, some terminal had just become disconnected or something.

While we waited, Mulva and I played 20 questions and apples to apples. "Spatula" and "Nick Hornby" are apparently very hard to guess. Apples to apples sucks with just two people. These are the things I learned.

Also, amusingly at work today this dude and his niece walk up and ask me if I like sushi in the tone of someone trying to settle an arguement. I was like, "No...." and then was like, "I don't know if I count though, I'm a freak, seriously. All I like to eat is macaroni and cheese." and the niece was like, "I LOVE YOU." So I guess I'm giving bad examples to preteen girls who already eat like me anyway.

Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: here's an excerpt from another site by the dude who does boasas:

Steven Cloud: sign of the apocolypse nuber 498: BEARS EATING MONKEYS!

usernumber37: wtf?
usernumber37: i thought bears ate honey?

Steven Cloud: most people don't realize monkeys are chock full of honey.

usernumber37: mONkEY > hONEY
usernumber37: maybe the bear was dyxlesic

Steven Cloud: hahaha
Sui: hahaha
Phoemeister: good times
Sui: that's beautiful
Sui: hmm.. what should I eat for lunch today?
Phoemeister: ......monkeys?
Sui: filled with honey
Sui: I should buy a monkey, a turkey baster and a jar of honey
Sui: and see what happens
Phoemeister: man. That sounds not scary at all. I'm glad I'm visiting you soon, so that I, too, can join in such hijinks.


Phoemeister: you are going to be frightened when you see how many pills I am forced to take for a ten day vacation
Sui: haha I believe it
Sui: I have this frightening image of the boy in the bubble
Sui: and you having this like.. portable bubble you hae to bring with you to go on vacation
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: well my parents today were telling me to put my pills in my carry on, so that if something happens to my luggage I'll have them with me
Phoemeister: and I was like, "Um..... no way can I fit those in my carry on."
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: though mostly it's laziness and an unwillingness to dig through things when I want to find something in there while I'm on the plane
Phoemeister: still, they'll think I'm a drug mule if I take that many pills in my carry on
Phoemeister: only I'm bad at it and forgot to put it all up my butt
Sui: haha
Sui: in a balloon of course
Phoemeister: you need a balloon!?!?!
Phoemeister: shit
Phoemeister: I might be dead when you pick me up
Sui: hahah
Sui: I was trying to think of a good sign to hold up in the airport so you'd know I was your driver
Phoemeister: something horrible that makes them think you're my pimp
Sui: haha yeah
Phoemeister: "SLUT"
Sui: hahah
Sui: "Ho numbah fo'"
Phoemeister: or that we have horrible domestic problems
Phoemeister: "BITCH THAT SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND"
Sui: I was thinking of putting like.. "The rapist Convention" only making it look like the space was somewhat unintentional and supposed to say "Therapist"
Phoemeister: HAHA
Phoemeister: Seriously. How do I end up having so many fucking conversations about rape?
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: Tina brought up yesterday that I talk about it constantly. And I was like, "I do not! It just comes up. Like now! And you're the one who brought it up this time, not me!" and she's like, "yeah, but......" and then cites like fifty instances. It made me sad :P

Passive-agressiveness, thy name is mother!

Seriously, I'm tired as hell. I've been working 7 hour shifts all week (7 in a row to be precise). Which, 7 isn't like, say, 12, but it does suck because you only get a half-break. After a 7 hour day with a half break, I am more tired than an 8 or 9 hour day with a regular break. A half break is a slap in the face! If they HAVE to schedule me for less hours (which also sucks, I hate that they're doing this, this is my primary income here!) I'd rather just get an extra day off or something, but nooooooooooo.

So when I get off work instead of going home and just passing out like I want to, I go to my sister's house because my family's having dinner together. And I play with the 'phew who doesn't understand what tired means, and have to eat a sub sandwich even though I've told them all a thousand times I hate subs.

Then I pack for my trip, which this is probably the last good opportunity for me to do so. It's depressing how much stuff I had to pack for purposes of colitis that I didn't have to the last time I took a trip. And of course: packing = tiring.

So right when I'm almost done with the packing my mom's all, "Yeah, by the way, you have to clean up all your crap here and here and here." Which.... I AM a pig. And I should've cleaned some of this stuff at one point. But still..... waiting until I'm crazy tired is crappy. And then when I'm almost done with THAT, telling me to clean something else up "if I have the time" is crappy too. So I didn't do it because I may have the time, but no way do I have the energy. Also, what I was supposed to clean up, I just did a shitty job and dumped it all in the middle of my room, which now looks doubly sty-like.

Sui: Thanks for the intinerary thing
Phoemeister: :D It's in my best interests to make sure you have it
Sui: haha yeah
Phoemeister: if I had to hitchike out to your place I'm sure the dude who picked me up would kill me and my parents would be all "I told you so" at my funeral FOR THE WRONG REASON
Sui: yeah I definitely want to get credit for killing you
Phoemeister: that's what I'm saying
Phoemeister: no I told you so's unless they're actually warranted


Phoemeister: is it hard to get your boarding pass?
Phoemeister: All it says is to print out your confirmation (which is what I forwarded to you, I think)
Sui: Just go to the front desk check-in thing, and flash them your ID
Phoemeister: okay
Phoemeister: I get nervous easily
Phoemeister: so I'm all, "what if it's too difficult and I pass out from all of the madness"
Sui: I don't think I've ever had to show it
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: k
Sui: It'll be okay!
Sui: just go up and say you want to pick up your boarding pass and they'll ask for your id and where you're going
Phoemeister: and I say, "To blow up the white house, as allah intended"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: "they recruited me because they thought my paleness would fool you, but they weren't counting on my stupidity"
Sui: I had a dream I got on a bus with a turban on
Phoemeister: yeah?
Sui: That was about it
Sui: don't remember any explosions or anything
Phoemeister: ah. I had a dream two nights ago, and I can't remember the details, but I was in a movie with Jake Gylenhaal and Gwyneth Paltrow, and for some reason they both started making out in front of me and I was like, "guys, this is creepy."
Sui: haha
Sui: "And then I joined in"
Phoemeister: haha, no
Phoemeister: you wish
Phoemeister: wish, evne
Phoemeister: I myself wish I could type
Sui: haha
Sui: u r tip gud

Phoemeister: I brought my own butt wipes!
Phoemeister: err, am bringing
Sui: haha
Sui: is my TP not good enough for you?
Phoemeister: does it have vitamin E and soothing liquids on it?
Phoemeister: then NO.
Phoemeister: loser
Phoemeister: you gots to bring your A game to TP when you're taking on Phoe
Sui: haha
Sui: I just got served
Phoemeister: that's what I'm sayin'!
Phoemeister: shanked like a prison bitch
Sui: yeah, I am metaphorically bleeding to death while inmates watch and laugh

Optpri: So when are you going to leave for Vegas?
Me: Friday.
Optpri: So by 12:00 on Saturday, we'll know you've been deflowered?
Me: Yeah. And when Ryan refuses, I'll make sure to pick up some man-ho out there to take care of it, just for your piece of mind.
Optrpri: Don't do it for me, do it for yourself.
Me: Nope. I'm going scream, "AND THIS IS FOR OPTPRI!!!" right in the middle of.

Such is the love and well-wishing from my coworkers.

I'm getting very attached to the pig I taped to my nametag. Only the tape isn't working that well, I want to find a better way to do it. Kevin suggested that I try to replicate a Pink Floyd concert, where they have the giant pig floating over everyone, by creating some kind of wire contraption so that it hangs over my nametag, and now I really want to do it. BUT, I think if I did anything that elaborate and/or showy, Elaine or boss-boss would make me take it off, rendering all that work in vain.

I've also named it. Yesterday Optpri told me about some game that was kind of like yahtzee, only the dice were pigs. Then, today Death mentioned the same game, and told me that one of the combinations you could get was called "makin' bacon." So I named my pig Makin' Bacon. THEN, though, we were discussing how I am going to start calling her MJB (after this Michael Jackson button she wears on her nametag) and I was like, "Makin' Bacon could have those initials too if he marries someone with last name J!" (only just now I realized that's a tad jumbled). And so we decided I had to add something with a J on the end, so now he's Makin' Bacon Jerky. Also, both death and Makin' Bacon Jerky get to listen to the Mary J. Blige song, "MJB da MVP" whenever they want to.

In other news: I already miss Double Dizzle. And Mouse is going to leave (work, anyway, I think he's still in the area another week or so) while I'm in Vegas. Sadness.

So, I forgot to mention last night, the number 678767897th thing I've said about the rewards program to a customer that I shouldn't have.

Customer: So what will it give me?
Me: Super powers.
Customer: Sign me up!

Phoemeister: So your parents are worried too?
Sui: I dunno about worried, but they're definitely paranoid about meeting random interweb people
Phoemeister: Aren't I like the 8th one by now?
Sui: Hmm yeah, if not more
Sui: I forget some of the insignificant ones
Phoemeister: you are lucky you are not dead in a ditch
Phoemeister: or so my parents would say
Sui: It's not so much luck as, putting the other people dead in a ditch first before they could put me there
Phoemeister: ........
Sui: :-D
Phoemeister: OOPS, ALL THE PLANES IN ILLINOIS BROKE JUST NOW, I GUESS I CAN'T COME.
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: oh well
Sui: I am joking!
Phoemeister: so am I
Phoemeister: all the planes in illinois did not really just break
Sui: I think I saw that on cnn.com
Phoemeister: ALL A HOAX PERPETRATED BY THE VATICAN
Phoemeister: THE PLANES WERE FINE ALL ALONG
Sui: haha
Sui: that freakin' pope did it again!
Phoemeister: what the flip was the pope doing at the sand dunes?

coworker: *makes some weird noise*
me: you're weird!
coworker: you're weird.
me: ...I have to admit you have a point. Because I'm taping a plastic pig onto my nametag as we speak.

I found the pig, by the way, on our "quirky" table, where we keep the humor books. That definately qualifies as quirky. I'm thinking it comes from one of these catapult gun toy things we have that have random things, including pigs, as ammo.

In other news, I wore my Big Dog Star Wars tee shirt, and got as much fall out on it as the terriers. But I had a customer compliment me. I am finding "crappy tee shirts cause I don't want to do laundry" strangely polarizing. Who knows what crappy tee shirt tomorrow will bring!

I also find it kind of funny that Optpri was wearing the most horrific shirt ever (seriously, I was with her when she bought it and her objective when she went in there was to find the ugliest shirt ever) and no one (but me) made fun of it at all, whereas the poor not-trendy-anymore Big Dog shirt was heaped with endless scorn.

Do you know what I do when my parents are out?

I turn up the Billy Joel as loud as it will go and rock out.


I'm tempted to continue the party by bringing it to work for after close and making my coworkers hate me. We'll see.

Wow. Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar. Because for about a week, until yesterday, I was in a wretched mood. But yesterday and today: I was very happy.

By all rights I should have been at least a little irritated, seeing as how I dropped way too much money on a crappy wal-mart swimsuit today, and about as much on a crappy wal-mart swimsuit cover-up thing, which is the barest scrap of fabric I'm hoping (no doubt in vain) will conceal the hideous mess of cellulite and stretchmarks that are my upper thighs. I also spent some cash on airsickness medication, and wanted to buy some headphones, which I couldn't find what I wanted. When I sleep in places that are not my bed, I like to put on my headphones, but what I have now aren't flat enough to be comfortable to sleep in. But I couldn't really find any very flat ones at Wal-mart or best buy today.

Also people have been giving me crap about the shirt I'm wearing all day, though it was more funny than anything. It's this shirt that says "terriers" and has a cartoon depiction of each breed of terrier on it. I got it in Jr. High, when my tastes in apparel ran to "big" and "cute animals." It's not as bad as a lot of them, though, most of the worst I've thrown away already. Anyhow, since I'm working from now until my vacation, I don't really have time to do laundry so I'm just wearing my crappiest clothes until then so I can take my normal wear along with me. So...... get ready for a barrage of stupid tee shirts with animals or Star Wars characters on them in the next few days. And if the khakis I'm wearing begin to smell..... it's because I've been wearing the same pair over and over.

I also had nothing to do at registers, but I entertained myself by fishing out all the pens that had been stuck in cracks. I came up with 15! Plus several paperclips and some woman's Kohl's credit card that expired two years ago. It was awesome to see the look on Lister's face when he realized how inanely proud I was of it.

Awesomely, for some reason Kevin, the new supervisor, and I had all three seen X3 last night and ended up discussing it and the X men in general for like 20 minutes. I love how nerdy it was, and Kevin still regularly cracks me up, for instance acting out the scene after the credits for the new sup and I, since neither of us had stayed (though I knew OF it, thanks to Jersey Ryan and I having a discussion about it last night).

Me: (to Kevin) You can remember Moira MacTaggart's name, but not Charles Xavier? What's wrong with you!?

New Sup: And he's grinning when he dies, I wondered what that's about.
Me: "if you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can imagine!"
Kevin: They'll make a whole new trilogy out of that!

HTS and I talked some. I still think he is kind of a jerk (since we found out we went to the same high school 90% of our conversations involve him making fun of/complaining about people we knew in high school), but alright to talk to. One awesome thing: we seem to share a similar taste in music. Also, he is twisted (but he has no idea what league I am in):

Me: *discussing how the book "Pat the Bunny" freaks me out and makes me think of child molesters ever since Carmax told me that it freaks her out and makes her think of child molesters*
HTS: Yeah, I was going to say something completely awful like, "Those kids deserve it, dressing in those provocative outfits!" but I didn't want to freak you out.
Me: Oh, I don't think you can. I'm constantly talking about completely horrible things.
HTS: ....have you ever talked about belly flop abortions?
Me: No.... but have you ever had two conversations with two different people where the topic of Satan's penis independantly comes up?
HTS: No.... have you ever talked about inverted penises?
Me: No.... wait, maybe. Does talk about sex change operations count?

Seriously, I think I have worse conversations than anyone, and more frequently. And most of my child molestation conversations I have with a guy while he is actually at an elementary school. And I mean..... the hamburger helper children as a condom + his mom's corpse conversation. Also had while he was at school (I think I was listening to Christian rock, too) .....and I'm visiting this guy in less than a week. So.... um... pray I don't die :P

Today was both bad and good.

Bad: I left my wallet at home, so I was worried I might've lost it, and couldn't afford lunch. BUT, Sista pitched in $2.82, so I was able to eat. Well... I had a bagel back there anyway. But thanks to Sista I could get cream cheese for it.... and a cookie! She also bought me dinner when we went out to Wendy's after work, so I owe her. Thanks, friend!

I had to ring up our two most notoriously annoying customers right in a row today. One of them rarely comes into the store, he's just this old confused guy who always wants us to look up obscure old motown CD's on the computer and then try to order them for him. He can't enunciate and gets mad at us when we ask what he is saying, he gets mad if we have to put him on hold, he gets mad if we can't find the CD, he makes us list out every track on the record (I do tire of saying titles like, "Do me, baby!" over the phone to him), he will call us up to cancel an order, and then call us up and be angry that we canceled it, or he will not cancel an order and get mad that we didn't cancel it. He rarely ends up coming into the store, sometimes he sends a friend or just doesn't buy the stuff he ordered. So this was a rare honor.

It was actually kind of fun, though. Sista was up there too, and I could tell she thought it was hilarious, and she was also amazed to finally see him in person after all this time.

Right after that was this dude who I hate. Most of my coworkers dislike him, but I hate him. He's all drugged up and weird, and always orders these polish death metal bands. I died inside a little the first time I realized he had my name memorized. I especially hate him ever since I was in a bar he also happened to be in, and he decided to come up, grab my ponytail, and start talking about porno to me. I HATE when strangers touch me. HATE, HATE, HATE. And I hate his weird creepy smalltalk.

But again, Sista being around made it funny. When I reached for his rewards card, and instead of letting go he pretended to stretch over the counter, and then made some reference to Mr. Fantastic, I glanced over at her and we were both hard pressed not to just bust out laughing.

She's not been on the book side much lately, more on the cafe side, but today they had her doing some stuff over there. It was nice to have her around, which is probably what the "good" part of the day mostly consists of. It made me in a better mood, getting to talk to her a little in between things. Even TII was kind of fun to talk to today, we weirdly ended up discussing the Bloodhound Gang, which is not a band I would've guessed he'd like. I also joked with him about him being an alcoholic. (I apparently tell EVERYONE they're an alcoholic now).

I also had this really angry customer who wanted to buy books on silk screening. I am pretty sure he is the same guy that very angrily wanted to buy books on silk screening about a month ago, only he was Mouse's customer then. Anyway, he HATES Barnes & Noble, or so he told me, so I guess we have the pleasure of his strangely angry customership permanently.

Which brings me to somthing else: I really wish customers would let me finish explaining something before interupting. Angry guy especially.

I also met someone who is from my neighborhood, it'll be the second time since I started at the store. I also met someone who has the same ISP as me for the first time, and we both agreed at how much it sucks. For some reason both incidents made me strangely happy.

Anyway, because I'm taking Friday and Saturday off for Vegas, I get to work 7 days in a row. I have to hope the good mood holds.

Last couple days: not too exciting. I still wanted to post in case y'all were worried about the lack of inane blog posts constantly spewing from my brain to this url.

Phoemeister: hahah, crap
Phoemeister: I accidently really pissed off LSEG
Sui: how so?
Phoemeister: well we were talking and he made another one of his creepy/transparent/unwanted come ons
Phoemeister: and I was like, "stop it"
Phoemeister: and he was like, "you're cold"
Phoemeister: and I was like, "first off, tina told me that if I let you say horn dog things to me it gives you ideas and secondly maybe I'm normal and you're creepy, becase you bring up sex all the time"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: and then it didnt' blink, and I forgot I was talking to him
Phoemeister: and he started saying angry things and thought I was intentionally not talking to him
Phoemeister: and signed off
Sui: suck : Sui: oh well
Sui: maybe he'll finally off himself
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: hahah
Phoemeister: we're horrible
Sui: haha yeah
Phoemeister: seriously though. I do know people who bring up sex as often, but none who do it as much after I've repeatedly told them not to.
Sui: Yeah, well bringing up sex jokingly is one thing.. but he brings it up "jokingly" and in a creepy come-on way
Phoemeister: yes! That's what I'm saying!
Phoemeister: I guess it's cold not to want some skeevy suicidal pothead constantly hitting on you
Sui: haha yeah
Sui: you're such a bitch!
Phoemeister: well I am, but for other reasons (such as making fun of a skeevy suicidal pothead offing himself)
Sui: haha
Sui: screw that
Sui: You're allowed to
Sui: he sucks
Phoemeister: yay!
Phoemeister: I love getting permision to act like a jerk
Sui: You have a License to Ill

So I wanted to punch a customer in the face today. I throw around the phrase "I want to punch ____ in the face" quite a bit, but I really mean it this time. Basically, she couldn't really understand what I was saying. Which.... doesn't really make me mad. We get enough foriegners/mentally disabled/people who should get a hearing aid, that repeating myself has pretty much become par for the course.

But basically at the end she was like, "You're voice is weird!"

and I say "I'm sorry," because I really don't know what else to say.

and then she's like, "Your voice is very nasal!"

and I said I was sorry again, when what I really wanted to do is reach over the counter and garrote her with some piano wire.

When I mentioned this to Mouse he said I should've acted all exaggeratedly surprised, like I hadn't known it was nasal and she did me a huge favor. Seriously, though, lady: I didn't need that help. The kids at my grade school (not to mention Jr. High and High School) made it abundantly clear that I have an annoying voice. You still need a fucking hearing aid, whether or not I'm the most nasal damn person on the planet.

Mouse's second suggestion was that I just should've screamed "You're a CUNT! Understand THAT!?!?" at her.

Oh well. The customer behind her was extra nice to me. AND understood me even though he was a foriegner!

In other news: Double Dizzle's last day was yesterday and I didn't even know! It makes me sad, I didn't get to say goodbye. I thought I'd get at least one last zoo off.

I'm curious about seeing if I could get his job (and make the move to IPT that I ended up not doing last time), or if they're going to look for another part-timer. Or if they'll even hire anyone to replace him at all because of the hours-reduction crusade they've been on since the new cafe opened.

Otherwise my day was pretty much as usual. I got to hang out with my 'phew for awhile, which was pretty cool. He is still the cutest.

Phoemeister: I found out why my mom didn't want me to take the phone
Sui: Oh?
Phoemeister: yeah. She thinks I'm a moron who will lose it. So what she did was buy me some cheap-ass pay as you go phone today to take with me.

So on one hand I'm mad she doesn't think I can handle not losing something for a week, but on the other hand eeeeee! My own phone!
Sui: haha nice
Sui: You are a big girl now!
Phoemeister: yeah. I was going to call you up on it and fake a smoker's cough and be all, "WHY DO YOU PUT IDEAS IN MY DAUGHTERS HEAD" but I didn't think I could do it without giggling
Sui: haha
Sui: You are way too dorky to pull off the angry smoker's cough mother voice
Sui: I'd be like "Mrs. Phoe, your daughter promised I could put it in her butt if she came to visit.. it was all her idea not mine"


Kin: I don't hate you too much more than usual.
Phoemeister: okay
Phoemeister: as long as we're at a manageable level of hate
Phoemeister: Hulk smash hate is okay
Phoemeister: carve you up into little pieces with an axe hate is bad
Kin: Well, you've know about my axe-murdering tendencies for years now, Phoe. Come on. I would think you would've just learned not to piss me off by now.
Phoemeister: you would've thought that, but actually I provoke axe murderers every day. I find it a much more easy way to live on the edge than to pay people to jump out of plains
Kin: That's pretty hardcore though. I can't even imagine how one jumps out of a plain. =P
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: well first off you wait until the rain in spain is done, because you don't want that shit going down while you're trying to do that
Phoemeister: and then you get rid of all the fruit, if it's a fruited plain
Phoemeister: and then you just pray to god it all turns out alright


Kin: Sorry, I was on the phone.
Phoemeister: that's okay
Phoemeister: I was jumping out of plains
Kin: Was it everything you dreamed it'd be?
Phoemeister: and more!
Phoemeister: how was the phone?
Kin: It was great. So many little buttons...
Phoemeister: did they beep when you pushed them?
Kin: No, because I turned the sound off. But the phone lights up when I press a button.
Phoemeister: that's still pretty cool
Phoemeister: plants survive on light
Phoemeister: so just think: your phone makes food for plants
Phoemeister: plants make food for humans
Phoemeister: it's the circle of life
Kin: Phones...Plants.
Kin: It's just like the Lion King.
Phoemeister: I think I'm going to burst into song

Wow. I got a lot done today. I think it's the first time in a long time I've gotten up at 9 when I didn't have work.

I signed my lease, read an entire Christopher Moore novel (Blood Sucking Fiends, very good), read a magazine, spent several hours dicking around on the internet and saw Match Point with Mulva.

Speaking of which, different vantage points make things hilarious. Mulva hated all the women in the film, whereas I hated the men, especially the main guy. Eventually we just decided they were all bastards. It was a decent movie, but we ended up talking through the latter half of it, which made me miss some stuff.

So.... avoiding the house + the internet connection being crappy right now = less posts. You people are probably glad, though. I've been having wicked crazy verbal diahrea lately. ....and not-verbal diahrea. DAMN YOU, COLITIS!

--P 2 tha E's husband says we should've called our Superpoos "Pooper Heroes." I can't believe we didn't think of that.

--Mom HAS been needling me about the trip, but it's not been as bad as it could be. My favorite bit I have to share with you, however, is when she told me that no matter what I say she knows we're going to have sex, and that "we don't want no babies and we don't want no diseases." And despite saying it in a hillbilly way for some entirely bizarre, unexplained reason, she was dead serious. I told her that first off, we are not having sex, and secondly that I think I could figure out a goddamned condom if we were. I also have to wonder what's up with the "we"? I suppose if I had a baby she would feel somewhat responsible for helping me out with it, but I have a feeling that if I got chlaymidia, I'd be on my own on that one.

--I signed my lease today! You are no longer reading the whiney blog of someone who lives with her parents, you're now reading the whiney blog of someone who is about to live in a studio appartement (in July)!

--HTS and I actually went to high school together! Also, even if he is kind of dickish, I think we are friends now because we bonded quite a bit over the high school thing. I have to say, even though I despise running into aquaintances from high school, it is bizarrely awesome to meet someone who went with you but you didn't know back then (this will be the second time this happened to me, Jaws would be the first). I can see why I didn't know either of them, though. They were both freshmen when I was a senior. I feel so old.

Also weirdly: he was in Scholastic Bowl, but he didn't join until he was a sophmore, we would've totally met if he'd joined a year earlier. And I might've technically met him one time when I visited my scholastic bowl coach after I graduated, because I remember sticking my head in and seeing a whole bunch of new people and being like, "wow, a whole bunch of new people." Also, he used to work at the Jewel-Osco my mom and I went to all the time, and we would've met if I hadn't started avoiding it because of the creepy guy there that stalked my best friend (who shops where I work now, bleh). He knows the guy I stabbed with a pen in Jr. High, he knows the chick who beat me up in grade school, obviously he knows a lot of the Scholastic Bowl crew, and we had a lot of the same teachers. Eerie discussion, but fun.

Jersey: you two are assholes!
Me & HTS: why?
Jersey: it sounds like you're making fun of a retarded kid!
Me: No, no, no. You aren't listening right. We're making fun of two retarded kids.

--I touched something damp when I was straightening the sex book section the other day. I am still traumatized.

Phoemeister: and she brought up this thing they've been having on TV where reporters hook up with guys on the internet by posing as 14 year old girls and then confront the creepy old guys that show up to meet them
Sui: Well last I checked you're not a 14 year old girl
Sui: I think that's a little different
Phoemeister: you're disapointed you perv
Sui: haha
Sui: cut about 10 years off your age and we could have a PARTY
Sui: It's so easy to impress the 14 year old too
Sui: like.. "hey I can drive!"
Sui: and "hey, I have some money!"
Sui: and "I can eat ice cream whenever I want!"
Sui: or.. "I had candy for breakfast, it was awesome!"
Sui: Only, they don't realize that having candy for breakfast really does suck
Sui: and sometimes you really wish you had real food
Suibrom: and that's why you're luring 14 year old girls to your house so you can either eat them, or hold them for ransom to get real food
Phoemeister: "will kidnap for food"
Sui: "I promise I won't rape your daughter.. just give me some money for food please"


Mulva: one of my good friends i'm going to be with in japan i met online
Mulva: she's awesome, but my parents are so afraid of her
Phoemeister: At least you are a guy and they don't have the "he'll rape you!" arguement like they do with me
Mulva: oh gawd
Mulva: in vegas? come on, anyone could rape you in vegas, why worry about the person you've actually spoken with
Phoemeister: I KNOW! I want to be like, "Yeah, if you're that worried about it I'll make sure to bang a guy at a bar or something while I'm at it"
Mulva: the thought of you pickin up guys in bars = priceless
Mulva: "Want to go out with me? Itd be AWESOME."
Phoemeister: "We could totally DO IT" *exaggerated pelvic thrust motions*
Mulva: "Dont' tell my mom."
Phoemeister: "don't tell her that you're a fifty year old serial killer"
Mulva: "Ok now let's get to the sideways mambo!"
Mulva: phoe oh phoe, poor misguided serial killer loving phoe
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: Actually, I think I'm the serial killer
Mulva: yeah why doesn't your mom ever worry about ryan
Mulva: BIAS
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: you should start a Save the Ryan Foundation

So.... Phoe from Elsewhere put up the rest of that poo conver here, if anyone's interested. It involves us starting a gang of superheros called the Super Poos, and making it into a religon as well.

In other news: finally told the parents about Vegas. It went a lot better than I thought, they were pretty much like, "Yeah, you're 24 we can't stop you, but just remember that he is probably 50 years old and a serial killer."

It made me sad because I want the guy who murders me and sells my body parts on ebay to be young.

I am afraid, however, that my mom will pick away at it like she has been the appartement situation.

Speaking of which: I'M SIGNING MY LEASE ON MONDAY. AWESOME.

The downswing of the telling of the truth: I'm wondering if they have the url to my blog, because my mom kind of mentioned that she knew what I had done in england (i.e. added a day or two to the trip so I could see my friend Wanda, an internet friend who also turned out not to be a 50 year old stalker, thank you very much).

This is probably the only major lie I have ever told, and I had actually thought I did a pretty good job at it. Also, I thought if they knew, they would've confronted me about it before then. My mom, especially, I would think something like that would gnaw away at her so bad she'd have exploded by now.

Anyway, I'm thinking of moving the blog. It's not like I have a ton of secrets, but privacy IS nice, and I don't exactly love the thought of them reading all my discussions on raping crack whores.

I really am starting to worry that I talk about rape (and crack whores and babies) too much! Also, I never in my life thought I would come up with the phrase "but what if you had a hairy rapist?"

(err.... and I'm sorry if this is confusing, but it's in Gmail chat, Phoe from Elsewhere is Phoe and I am me).

Phoe: ah but it's the sugar that jacks me up. caffeine just turns me into a shaking, migrainey mess
this is never making it to your blog, it's not even about babies or crack whores or ANYTHING.
me: ROFLMAO
maybe now it will
"you know that crack whore I raped the other day?"
"the one with the asian pimp for her baby daddy?"
Phoe: lol. for a can of coke? or a cookie.
me: what is for a can of coke or a cookie?
Phoe: the crack whore raping.
me: haha
Phoe: unless it was for crack and then i think you've got your chain backwards. rape the PIMP for the crack. he's got the goods.
me: if it's rape I don't think the whore gets anything but a slap on the face!
Oh..... you're like, "I'll rape you if you don't give me crack?"
I've never heard of using rape as a bargaining tactic before
I think they should start using that in the UN
Phoe: yeah but you say crack and i see butt crack and that's just offputting this early
me: ahaha
I love how all the raping and crack whores don't phase you
but you're like, "eww, buttcrack!"
Phoe: they're usually hairy. ick.
me: yeah, but what if you had a hairy rapist?

I don't feel at all guilty, however, about how much I talk about poo:

me: Have you ever seen Unbreakable?
Phoe: nope
me: well it kind of starts out with these facts about people with comic books, how much the average fan spends on them, how much of their life they spend reading them and it's insanely large
and ever since I saw that movie I've been obsessively thinking and estimating how much time I will have spent on the toilet by the end of my life
it's going to be like 8 years or something
Phoe: you can always take books in and when you die, you can say "poo taught me chinese!" or whatever.
me: ROFLMAO
man, I would do that just for the excuse to tell someone that poo taught me chinese
Phoe: well you're in college for half that. chinese could be managed and it would all be thanks to poo.
me: haha, "it's all thanks to poo!" makes me think of how people talk about Jesus like he's their buddy they hang out with? "Jesus is my wingman!"
"poo is my wingman!"
Phoe: ah, but now we need a acronym to illustrate that
wwpd?
frop?
me: LOL
what's frop?
Phoe: fully relying on poo
me: LOL
I want a band named Fully Relying on Poo
Phoe: because frog = fully relying on god
me: hunh, I'd never heard that one

We finally did the flowers today!!!!!!!!!!!!! So tomorrow is truth-telling time!

Also: I really like the photo I have up there of Ryan, but it's been up there a couple months, anyone else willing to make an ass out of themselves, photograph it, and give it to me for use on my blog? Some iconic film moments I suggest as ideas for people:

--Amelie, holding up that spoon and looking into the camera with an insane glint in her eye

--Donnie Darko, holding an axe over his shoulder and looking into the camera with an insane glint in his eye

--Norman Bates, dressed up as his mom, holding up a knife with an insane glint in his eye. Or else watching a fly crawl across his hand with an insane glint in his eye.

--Neo from the Matrix saying "whoa" about something.

--Holding out a bar of soap with Fight Club crudely scratched into it

--Killing someone with a trident, a la Brick in Anchorman.

--Terminator II coming back together after being frozen by that liquid nitrogen.

.....or not.

To work through my day backwards:

I left my headlights on all day at work so my battery was dead. El Camino had to help me jump my car. It scared me a little, this was the first jumping experience I had where the other person did not know what they were doing. And I easily believe that something's going to blow up and kill us so I stand back and make the other person do the work.

Speaking of El Camino, he told me about a hilarious book we have in the children's section called "My Daddy's Roommate." I highly suggest you check it out too if you are in the mood for hilarity. Yes, we have a couple of pretty funny/weird gay books in the kid's section (Such as "And Tango Makes Three," which is about two gay penguins that adopt a penguin baby), and yes the section "My Daddy's Roommate" is in is unmitigatedly disturbing (the "family issues" section has books like, "why does daddy drink?" "why does mama yell all the time?" and "why isn't grandma here anymore?" are a few actual titles) but this takes it to a whole new level.

First off, the illustrations are hilarious. The family's at the beach and they have this sleazy picture of the men rubbing suntan lotion on each other! Even the non sleazy pictures are pretty funny, though. I also find it kind of amusing that the "roommate" the dad leaves the mom for has a receding hairline. I wonder if the artist threw it in to be more real or what.

Secondly, with my dirty mind, the words are easily twisted too. "My daddy's roommate and I do a lot of things together too!" is just creepy. And there IS a line that is like, "They even sleep together!" and you're like..... okay, dude who wrote this, you do know even kids know that "sleeping together" is a euphemism for having sex? Do you really want to open that can of worms? Or do you want to make a sequel to this called, "My Daddy's Roommate Part II: How to Get Around the Fact That Neither of You Has a Vagina."

Far and away the best part, though, is the part of the book where the mom tells the kid the dad and the roommate are gay. Basically like, the kid doesn't know what gay is and the mom explains it and is like, "they are two men who love each other and love is always right!" or somesuch. Man, that woman must be taking a thousand valium. I think any woman who has a husband that leaves her to go and be gay would be a lot more bitter about this whole situation, but apparently not.

Other than that work was fairly uneventful.

Before that I went to lunch with Optpri at some place called the Rock where they sell gyros but of course I wanted no part of that and got a ginormous hot dog, which was pretty good. Optpri, of course, made the obvious penis joke, and hilarity ensued. We made it part of our BJ's for Taco's equation. I also helped her do some clothes shopping, which was quite novel for me, since she sincerely wanted the ugliest possible shirt in the place. She was quite happy when she finally arrived at one that made me tell her, "If I saw you on the street wearing that I would punch you in the face." The TJ Maxx sales associate laughed at that statement, and I was glad she was not horrified that I managed to work in violence and a put down of the merchandise at her store all in one sentence. The other nice thing about shopping with Optpri is that it is fast. I like that in a friend, seeing as how the last big, friendship-ending arguement I had with someone was basically because she dragged me around to 8 stores and had to try on 80 things in each.

I woke up.