Today I bought candy for a diabetic. What've you done today to make the world a better place?

In other news, I had the best Valentine's Day conversation ever:

TII: I feel old.
Me: Do you know what would cheer you up?
TII: What?
Me: A good cry.
TII: Umm, no. Maybe a soak in the tub.
Jersey: a tub filled with your own tears?

So far Grosse Point Blank has taken a commanding 2-nil lead over the other pictures, including the Napoleon Dynamite one that no one will ever be able to see.

So... I've been told by no less than two people that the bunny freaks them out.

So I've went around looking for other pictures, and I want to know if anyone has any preference among these: (there will be resizing, of course)

About a Boy
Grosse Point Blank
Garden State
Napoleon Dynamite

Phoemeister: Man, I wish I could call myself a charango enthusiast
Mulva: actually, i think this is about as enthusiastic as anyone gets, charango-wise.

FACT: I just got a email from "The Oldest Ladies in Porn."

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I LOVE the interweb. Where else can I not only find the oldest ladies in porn, but they actively seek me out?

In other news, I'm in love with George from Grey's Anatomy. He is so dreamy!

I'm also in love with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I hear the new album will be out in not too long. Unfortunately, I hear they have a lot of extra material and instead of making it a double disc they're going to put a different bonus track on several different CD's. I HATE it when bands do that. Because then you either miss out on the other tracks, or are goaded into buying all of them. OR you buy the album, because you're really excited about it, and then a year later they reissue it with all the other tracks.

Okay, maybe I'm less in love with the Red Hot Chili Peppers than originally stated. I'm more in love when I'm actually listening to them, less in love when I hear of their nefarious plans to pump me for as much cash as they can get.

George: still dreamy.

So I keep thinking I should do something for my birthday this year. Usually I hang out with my parents (and I'm sure I'll get the parent part of the birthday at some point no matter what else I end up doing), but that gets less and less thrilling since I've gotten older. And it's not so much the "Oh, I'm lame I'm hanging out with my parents" thing, it's the fact that we spend it with my whole family (i.e. my sister and her family as well) and even on my birthday I get less attention than the 'phew, or even my sister's dog some years. And for some reason they always talk about the most boring possible things (gas prices, State Farm office politics, obscure relatives of my brother in law that none of us but him have even ever met) when they're all together.

I also think this is probably the first year since high school I've even had enough friends to do anything. But all my friends except for one are from work, and she'd probably feel left out in a party full of my coworkers, so she probably wouldn't come. Then, obviously, it's retail and except for in the dead of the night, there is no point when we are all not working. And also, it would be kind of weird to invite everyone as I'm closer to some people than others. But it would be kind of weird to be like, "I will invite you, I won't invite you other person." ALSO: we would have no place to go, as it is too weird to have them all come and my parents being around (no doubt watching Law & Order at top volume in the other room). And I hate bars. And where else is there, really?

So... yeah.

I need to hang out with more people anyway.

So that meme thing, I guess, will not pan out. Every time I try to visit it says the site is overloaded, which I don't doubt it also says to anyone visiting it to even do it for me. Irritating. I got all excited about it for whatever goofy reason.

Today went pretty well. I heart the early shift. I actually wish they gave it to me more. True story.

If anyone has any ideas on new quotes to put in my randomizer at the top, let me know! I am getting tired of some of the ones I have in there now.

Also: I LOVE the picture Tina commissioned for me, but after a year, I felt like a little change, so now I have Frank from Donnie Darko for the time being.

So.... I must scroll a lot.

The up key on my laptop broke off a long time ago, and now the down key as well. And no other keys are broken. What else could the cause be but excessive scrolling?

I am not looking forward to the time when all of the keys fall off. The laptop and I have a love-hate relationship. I love having a computer. I love that it's small. I do not love that it never works and now has bits breaking off of it. I might even say that that's the hate part of the relationship.

So first off: a meme. Click the link and pick a few of the words that you think describe me. It's sort of an excercise to see how one's own image of self compares and contrasts from what other people percieve. It takes little time, is really easy, and I'm really curious, so if you don't do it, I'll be irritated. So you better do it! (um, good thing "bossy" isn't on the list)

Secondly: I meant to mention it before, because this actually happened a couple days ago, but I was shelving some stuff, and out of nowhere, Lister was like, "Have you ever considered joining the Army?"

And the weird thing is: I have. I totally wanted to when I was a senior in high school. I did not have the slightest idea of what the hell I wanted to do with my life, and I figured I wouldn't have to think about this scary predicament if I was surrounded with people telling me what to do all the time and didn't have to think for myself.

Also: when I was a freshman in college (both of these times, by the way, are pre 9/11) I totally thought of becoming an army translator because this army recruiter dude came in to my French class and made it sound like the awesomest job ever.

Both times I decided not to, because I do not think I would get through Basic Training. I have bad asthma, am a sedentary person (though, I found out during my stint as a photographer, I actually do kind of like physical activity) poor coordination, and I hate running more than anything on this earth. Also, I am a picky eater and when my Dad mentions his Army days, it sounds as if you do not get much say as to what you eat.

I asked him why he said that, and he said I had the attitude for it. But the thing is: I actually think I would suck at being in the Army precisely because of my attitude. I hate taking orders from people. AND I always want a reason. When I was little and my parents told me to do something, I would not do it until I badgered them into telling me why. I don't know if it's because my mom's so autocratic or what, but I have a real problem with authority. My respect is earned, not automatically given, which probably would make me a trouble maker as far as the Army is concerned. Also: I love to talk whenever I want. I'm a slob. Et cetera.

I think why he said that (and I asked him if it was a compliment and he said yes, he apparently was in the army a long time) is because whenever they ask me to do anything, I'm like, "Okay." The whole difference though, is they ask, not tell. I mean, technically I couldn't say no, it's my job I'd get fired if I didn't do what they say, but that thin veneer of "well maybe its your choice" makes me swallow it a lot easier than just being ordered around. Especially without being told why.

Anyway, I got to thinking about that.

FACT: Whenever possible, I bring up buddy cops.

Sui: look.. my white trash dinner is getting cold
Phoemeister: what're you having?
Sui: guess!
Phoemeister: velveeta?
Phoemeister: and..... crackers?
Sui: haha velveeta is a good guess
Sui: but no
Phoemeister: well what is it?
Sui: hamburger helper of course
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: I like to imagine the little anthromorphic hand walking around talking to you
Sui: haha
Sui: oh he is
Phoemeister: "Gee, hamburger helper sure is good, Ryan!"
Sui: I should try to make it sound high class
Sui: I Just made a delicious beef pasta with a three cheese sauce
Phoemeister: MMMMMN :P
Phoemeister: you should be in a buddy cop movie with the hamburger helper hand
Sui: haha
Sui: we would fight crime
Sui: and eat hamburger helper
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: he could be the sane Danny Glover one
Phoemeister: and you could be the crazy mel gibson one
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: He'd be all, "I'm too old for this shit"
Sui: I need to eat some hamburger helper and SAVE MY WIFE
Phoemeister: ROFLMAO
Sui: strange.. that his name is danny glover.. and that guy is kind of like a GLOVE
Phoemeister: it's a CONSPIRACY
Sui: I can totally picture the hamburger helper oven mitt guy smoking a crumpled up cigarette.. 5'clock shadow.. saying "i'm too old for this shit"
Phoemeister: me too
Phoemeister: and I can totally see you living in a trailer on the beach with a rottweiler
Sui: haha
Sui: it probably make me more white trash.. but I like louisana hot sauce on my hamburger helper
Phoemeister: ROFLMAO
Phoemeister: I read the first half of that sentence
Phoemeister: and I thought you were going to say "but I would totally live in a trailer with a rottweiler"
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: the louisiana hot sauce part was a let down after that

Me: Why is the dog coughing?
Mom: I dunno, he's been doing it ever since we had his teeth cleaned.
Me: I guess he must've inhaled all the loose teeth plaque into his lungs.
Dad: Maybe!

Today was pretty good, despite accidently waking up WAY too early.

I had lunch with Mulva at the Coffeehouse. I wonder if we'll ever be allowed back in, though, after the very, very, very loud fight we had about whether or not Harry Potter sucks. My position, "yes it does" vs Mulva's position, "no it doesn't," pretty much culminated in some screaming of "Harry Potter is horrible. It's horrible! You could drive a mack truck through the plot holes in Harry Potter! What is your problem" and "No it's not! No it's not! Can't you suspend your disbelief at all? What is your problem?"

I DO have a scientifically formulated anti-Harry Potter argument, by the way, but it pretty much went by the wayside when we started screaming and interupting each other. Then we laughed very hard when we realized how embarassing it is to be having a heated argument over Harry Potter at the top of your lungs in a public place.

We also discussed whether or not Mulva's first love, Gambit, could be beaten by a version of Gambit with a beard. Also: whether or not Ben Folds, my first love, could win in a fight with Gambit. My argument is that Gambit is really lame and sucks, but I still think he would win as a crappy superpower is probably tougher than knowing how to write really awesome songs and play a lot of instruments well.]

Work was... work. I had a delicious pretzel and Jersey "friended" me and came up with a film idea he wants to pitch to Mulva about "Bambo," a mix of Bambi and Rambo.

I finally remembered what I wanted to post about. But I ended up talking to Ryan about it, so I'm just going to go ahead and post the conver rather than going through it again:

Phoemeister: in other news we went over my finances and I think I'm going to be stuck living with them for another whole year ,which I had not anticipated :/
Phoemeister: yeah
Sui: blah that sucks
Sui: why?
Phoemeister: well I told you I make like 800 bucks a month, right?
Sui: yeah
Phoemeister: well we actually broke it down what it costs to live in this town
Phoemeister: and what I'd have to pay if I got health insurance (right now I only have vision and dental from work, because I'm still covered under my parents health insurance)
Phoemeister: and what stupid apartements and condos cost around here
Phoemeister: and what I'd probably want to pay into my 401K
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: and all that
Sui: I'm not sure what health insurance and 401k's have to do with moving into your own place
Phoemeister: and I could not afford it by a mile
Phoemeister: well it all boils down to the fact that I'd only have like $250 dollars to spend on rent in a month
Sui: you're not doing that now, why would you start doing it when you moved out?
Phoemeister: I'm not doing what now?
Sui: paying for health insurance and putting away money for a 401k
Sui: that's the kind of stuff you do when you have a better paying job
Sui: not something you do when you're barely scraping by paycheck to paycheck
Phoemeister: well the health insurance I'm not doing because I'm covered by my parents because I'm their dependant. If I moved out I would no longer be their dependant and not entitled to their insurance. Plus, once I turn 25 I'm not entitled to it even if I do live with them. Then, the 401K I would be doing now, except you have to be there 6 months before you can enroll.
Phoemeister: Yes. But if I think that way I'll be like, eating dogfood when I retire
Sui: I'm not sure that your physical location determines whether you are a dependent or not
Suibrom: and if you continue this way.. you'll still be living with your parents when you retire ; P
Phoemeister: :/
Phoemeister: I know
Phoemeister: I suck
Phoemeister: I just don't know what to do
Sui: did your parents even offer to help out?
Phoemeister: offer to help pay for a place?
Phoemeister: no
Sui: yeah
Sui: That sucks
Sui: they could have at least suggested helping a little with food each month or something
Sui: since they're doing that now
Phoemeister: *shrugs*
Phoemeister: I don't know what my dad's thoughts on the issue are, but you KNOW my mom is all controlly and smothery. The closer she can keep me the better, as far as she's concerned.
Phoemeister: so the benefit to her of paying for food and stuff for me now is that I'm right there to boss around :P
Sui: and honestly.. this is my opinion
Sui: your mom refuses to help because she doesnt' want you to go anywhere else
Sui: she wants to be able to just smother you
Sui: so they point out all the ways that it's impossible for you to do it on your own
Phoemeister: yeah
Sui: and refuse to offer ways that they could help
Sui: and that really sucks
Phoemeister: well I don't know what else to do, really. I mean, if I end up finding a way to move out this year, I'll do it, and fuck the insurance, we can still pretend like I live with them if we have to. But I don't know what to do. Even with a roommate, which I don't even know how to find, I can't really afford anything.
Sui: I hear the ghetto is nice this time of year ; )
Phoemeister: its worse than you realize
Phoemeister: there is no ghetto in bloomington normal
Sui: damn
Sui: where do you go for your crack?

I had some stuff I wanted to post last night, but Blogger was down. And apparently I have such a short attention span that I cannot remember what it was in the slightest.

In the mean time, I would like to record for posterity a hilarious joke Hootie made the other day. Warning: it has a somewhat long lead-up, and is only hilarious to me.

So, I've been carrying around an ad for this Gretchen Wilson DVD in my name tag. For those who don't know, she is a country singer, her big song was "Redneck Woman," and her new CD is called "All Jacked Up." Mouse calls her the Redneck Hooker, because she's kind of skanky.

This came about because Mouse was putting up posters on the info desk. We get some pretty random things. This time we got a whole lot of Il Divo, Elvis, Gretchen Wilson, and Bela Fleck. But the weird thing about a lot of these posters is they are divided into sections you can tear off. Which is annoying, because after a long time on the info desk they start to fall apart. Anyway, somone of the sections are really tiny, and Mouse was complaining about it and how useless the little parts are. He was like, "What are these bits even for? Are we supposed to put them in our nametag?" And I was like, "DUDE! Give me the one for Gretchen Wilson! I'll totally do it!" I thought I'd get in trouble, because the piece was big enough that it covered up my name and the store's name, the whole reason we even wear the nametags. But I eventually hit upon the technique of cutting it so that it fit in there without obscuring any of the important info. Then I bullied Mouse into being Il Divo. Then Optpri decided to be Elvis. I am a trendsetter, my friends.

Anyway, the other day I was being kind of hyper (I think I was telling them my cigar afficianado story, in the process saying cigar afficianado so many times that Optpri claimed the phrase no longer had meaning). And boss-boss was like, "Someone tell Phoemeister she can't have caffiene." And usually I'm not on caffiene, and I was about to tell her that, but then I had to admit that I did happen to be caffinated. And Hootie was like, "Of course she's all jacked up! She's Gretchen Wilson!"

We laughed. True story.

Also, I've been babbling more and more at Karaoke Supernova, I don't know if I've mentioned it.

I'm so, so tired. I got zero sleep the last few nights, and then last night I did get to sleep pretty well, but I had to get up at 5 a.m. and.... yeah, that makes me tired. I think I could sleep three days in a row and then if the last day I had to get up at 5 a.m. I would still be tired.

One thing I am tired of: bitchy customers who get mad at one aspect of our discounts or another.

And I'm sure I'm going to get a million stupid questions about the card we're going to start offering soon. What I especially love is customers who interupt you while you're explaining something to ask you a question that you're obviously about to answer anyway.

"Would you like our free coupons?"
"Are they free?"
"Yes. All you have to do is--"
"What do I have to do?"
"All you have to do is give us your email and we don't give--"
"Do you give out my e-mail?"
"No. We don't give it out to anyone else."

That was not an exaggeration! I have had that exact conversation before. Multiple times. And the card has so many damn ins and outs to explain that it'll be like that only annoyingness times ten.

On the other hand: employees can use the card too, and it's a pretty sweet deal for us.

I also had fun at our little meeting we had where we had to learn about it. Probably too much fun, I think a couple of the managers were annoyed. One joke I enjoyed that was probably annoying to them was we have to re-get these people's email, and explain to them that they're not going to get twice the e-mail. They were telling us the best way to go about that, but the way I wanted to use was, "A terrible fire burnt all our records."

Also, our test customer account is under the name Wellington, and so Hootie was like, "Known affectionately as "Beef" to his friends," and we started up all sorts of jokes about Beef. When I pretended to be a customer, I was claiming common-law marriage to Beef to use his account. And when we got into ways to prevent fraud using the account, I was like, "Beef! Do not SCREW WITH THE ____ CORPORATION. We KNOW what you're UP TO, Beef. We do NOT take kindly to this sort of thing, Beef." By the end, Hootie and I were in tears of laughter. But I didn't feel like I was being too bad of a slacker with my Beef jokes because we'd pretty much learned everything by then but were just practicing it.

A good thing about today is I actually made reccomendations I could be proud of. Usually when they make us reccomend things, I either don't bother or reccomend something that I don't personally know anything about, I just hear whatever it is is popular.

Anyway, this one guy got Coheed & Cambria's new album, and I totally went on and on about their other two albums for him, which is probably more than he wanted to know.

The other, this chick got Invader Zim on DVD. Which, I had forgotten, but I really love Invader Zim. It's this hilarious cartoon. I probably have seen 6 or so episodes, because I was at this person's house once who had a lot of them on DVD and we watched a ton of them all in a row, and I haven't seen it since then, but I remember it fondly. Anyway, I suggested Home Movies, which you all know I'm obsessed with. It was an AWESOME suggestion, because it's another cartoon series, and it's not so blindingly popular and obvious a suggestion as say, the Simpsons. Anyway, the chick said she did like Home Movies, and she didn't know we had it on DVD until I mentioned it, so maybe some day she will come back for it. And be like, "Yeah, this awesome employee of yours suggested it to me!" and I will look great.

I can dream.

Fact: Kiefer Sutherland is a cigar afficiando.

Today did not start well. In fact, the "fact" I envisioned starting this post with was going to be "all people suck and I hate them. Yes, I envision blog posts during the day.

One of the cranky people from yesterday actually called our corporate office to complain about me. Honestly. He like, had a ton of our punch cards, and I consolodated them onto one, and we're not supposed to give people the discount you get at the end until the next time they come in. And he got really pissed and called corporate and they called boss boss who yelled at me.

I hate this. We got really crappy training. They have never told us which discount rules we can bend or not, so EVERY time something like this comes up (which is ALL THE TIME with all our sales and coupons) I have to decide whether or not I want to piss off a customer, who might complain, and get my employers pissed off at me, or go for the direct route, which is giving them a discount I can't give, and getting my employers pissed off at me. Either way, I usually get someone mad at me.

But I had lunch with Optpri, which cheered me up. She is awesome. I don't know why we don't hang out together more. The one excuse I kind of had to hang out with her never panned out, and I couldn't think of anything else.

Then, I don't know if it was the caffiene or the sugar in the pop I had at lunch or what, but the rest of the day flew by, and I regained the energy that had been lacking. I had the most fun discussing the magazine cigar afficianado with a cigar afficiando customer. And I myself am not even a cigar afficianado, nor remotely interested in cigars noramly.

Customers were cranky today. I'm sorry, random homeless looking dude, it's not my fault they changed the computers and they're all slow now. And no, I have no say in changing it back. So when I told you that, and said sorry, you really shouldn't have said, "Don't be sorry, just fix it!" so imperiously.

Also: coupon related drama that is sadly a fact of life and nothing new for me.

In happier news: I made it my mission today to tell as many coworkers as possible that Mulva busted his DVD player watching R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet," and what he fears a repairman would think of him if said repairman fixed his DVD player and found out that the DVD stuck in his DVD player is R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet."

Also, I don't know if anyone will ever read this, because I've been trying to read my blog and I keep getting a 403: Forbidden error. Silly internet, didn't you know I will try doubly hard if you label it "forbidden?" It makes it feel much more like a game of cat and mouse where souls hang in the balance. I can't resist that shit.

So, I have noticed some annoying things I do that I have to stop.

1) Stop randomly mentioning people when I'm with other people. I think I used to do it because I had few to none friends, so if I was doing something with someone, I felt defensive about it and would mention people left and right to make them think I really do have friends. Now that I actually have friends: I think it gets old.

2) Stop randomly shouting things when I am not the center of attention in order to become the center of attention. It is O.K. to not be the center of attention.

In other news, I finalized my birthday list:

You and Me and Everyone We Know. Reason: It is just too awesome.

Home Movies Season 3. Reason: It is the most underrated show ever. AND too awesome.

Moonlight Mile & The Good Girl. Reason: I love Jake Gylenhaal so much. So, so, so much. Okay, not enough to buy The Day After Tomorrow, and not enough to ever, ever, watch Bubble Boy. But definately enough to get these two. Plus: they are pretty awesome.

Ben Folds & WASO Live at Perth. Reason: I love Ben Folds so much. More than Jake, actually. There is no CD of his I don't own, and I would so own his stuff from Itunes if I could get Itunes. And I hate live things, but Ben IS pretty good live. AND, there will be an orchestra. Because the O in WASO stands for orchestra. Who doesn't love them some Ben Folds + orchestra? Yes, I'm totally rationalizing.

Coheed & Cambria Live at The Starland Ballroom. Reason: I dunno. This one and the Ben Folds one, I'm kind of reaching, because I'm actually pretty content. I got everything I wanted at Christmas this year. I like music videos (which this includes) but I really don't like live CD's and DVD's, as I mentioned. BUT, it DOES come with the videos, which I've never seen, but have to be interesting, considering how weird Coheed & Cambria are, and how everything they do goes to be part of this crazy rock opera concept story thing. I keep wishing I could get my hands on one of the graphic novels that go along with their stuff, but I've heard they don't enlighten that much either.

Then, I asked for a couple CD's, again padding out the list a little. Franz Ferdinand's first album because I've been debating whether or not to get it forever and I figure what the hell. Fall Out Boy's CD because I can't resist them anymore, but at least I can make my parents pay for them instead of me.

Also, a quick summary of my evening:

Sui: what is up
Phoemeister: not much
Phoemeister: just came back from one of the film party things
Sui: cool what'd you watch?
Phoemeister: Being There
Phoemeister: it was a Peter Sellers thing
Phoemeister: I wasn't in love with it
Phoemeister: but it wasn't too horrible
Sui: hmm don't think I'ev seen it
Phoemeister: It's like Big but more subtle and Peter Sellers is more stupid
Sui: haha
Sui: it sounds.. okay
Phoemeister: we also watched part of R Kelly's In the Closet
Phoemeister: it was pretty funny
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: there's this midget with an inhaler
Phoemeister: he's her baby's daddy
Sui: haha brilliant

"It all comes back to a song with her."


So Brokeback Mountain was pretty good, except I had to pee really bad for a lot of it. I had went to my sister's for dinner right before that, and I had a ginormous glass of lemonade with it without really thinking about it until I was done and was like, "Yeah. That's a lot of lemonade. I'm gonna be peeing." I think I'm going to start calling this the Lord of the Rings Phenomenon, since that was probably the worst incidence of that I ever had, because I kept thinking it was about over.

Other than the peeing drama, like I said, it was very good.

In other news, Ryan and I talk about masturbation a hell of a lot.

Phoemeister: I slept like 10 hours last night
Phoemeister: so I feel awesome today
Sui: nice
Phoemeister: I think I like sleep more than anything I do while concious
Sui: masturbation included?
Phoemeister: yes
Phoemeister: sleep is awesome
Phoemeister: I can't wait till I die and that's all I do
Sui: haha
Sui: masturbate or sleep?
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: you know I meant sleep (initially)
Phoemeister: but now my goal IS to become the zombie masturbateur
Sui: hahah
Sui: brilliant
Sui: because I dunno anything scarier than a zombie..
Sui: except a zombie that masturbates
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: I really want to post that on my blog
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: but then people will know all we do is talk about masturbation
Sui: well we do
Sui: it's about time the truth came out
Phoemeister: lol, true
Sui: you know I'm really dirty-minded
Sui: this teacher sent out an email that says
Sui: "My treasure box will be opened tomorrow from 2pm - 3 pm in room 13. Kinder and 1st can come"
Sui: and all I can think is how dirty that sounds
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: you are a freak
Phoemeister: IBPW

So, at one point Mulva and I were joking around about maybe dressing up as Jedi to go to Brokeback Mountain.

Phoemeister: part of me still wants to dress up as a jedi
Phoemeister: maybe smuggle out the display lightsaber replica from borders
Phoemeister: get arrested
Phoemeister: have "stole replica lightsaber for use at gay cowboy movie" on the police report
Mulva: hahaha
Mulva: I think that would be awesome so much