*sigh* Yesterday was totally depressing. My high school French teacher is retiring (among other teachers I had, it seems like between last year and this year most of the teachers I had in high school are gone) and asked if I could come to the retirement party that was being thrown for the retiring teachers. So I did......

First off, I wanted to wear a dress. I hardly ever wear dresses, but I thought it'd be a nice touch instead of showing up not dressed up at all. Unfortunately--all dresses I have are short and have thin straps. Yes, this means: shave the legs, wear a strapless bra. I had been prepared to do the legs, my legs are pretty gross. I mention to my mom, as a joke, that she should be proud, and I get a huge tirade on how I should always shave my legs. Screw that! My legs have fine, blonde hair on them that doesn't show up unless you're directly examining my legs. That's a lot more than I can say for men, who get away without doing it. Straplessbra-uncomfortable, and not needed. The regular bra hardly hung out, and this party was pretty informal. Crammed myself into it anyway on my mom's say so. Oh, and I hate dresses, because I look pretty crappy in them, I just don't have a good figure, and dresses only make that obvious to me.

Second off: So much has changed. Just driving up to the building that had been a simple gray and red brick affair that several had accused of looking like a prison showed the changes. One thing: greatly expanded. Our school district just keeps growing and growing, and the extensions reflect this. Another thing: glass all over the place. This is because of the prison accusations. It never did look like a prison.... Anyway, now there's these big gaping places where they stuck windows.

But the structural changes aren't what's depressing: though the place looks less like a prison on the outside anymore, it is certainly more of one on the inside. Everyone has to wear badges, if you don't have a badge, you have to have a real reason to be in there, and there are cameras all over. This is largely why I don't visit teachers more often, I'm afraid of the security. I just want to get one of my old teachers to tell security that I'm alumni, and I was the biggest teacher's pet ever, and that I'm too stupid to put together a bomb, even if i did have the inclination, which I don't.

And the people.... When I talk to them, it's forced. I saw lots of teachers there that I knew, but we only had small blips of conversation before moving on. Most of them just asked me how i was doing, and avoided saying anything on their end. I had to bring up england to everyone I talked to, just to have something to say. It made me really sad..... I once considered these people......not friends, quite, but something like that. And they have nothing to say to me, and I barely have anything to say to them. The only people who really gave me any insight into their lives was my old Scholastic Bowl Coach (yea, I know i'm a dork) and this english teacher that I didn't know very well and hadn't liked very much in school anyway. But apparently she liked me, which is alright. She's a nice person, I just hadn't enjoyed her teaching style (or lack thereof).

I always thought people never visited their high school afterwards because they didn't care, but maybe it's because it hurts. That's why I don't, I feel unwelcome or like I don't belong. It hurts.