Anyway, what I really got on to blog about before I got sidetracked into phallocentrism (see the post below) and all that, was Christmas music. Seriously.

I hate Christmas music. In general. I mean, I’m not saying that when I’m in a certain mood Silent Night can’t touch me, or I don’t like belting out Come All Ye Faithful when I can remember all the lyrics, but in general, Christmas music makes me want to kill myself. It doesn’t bug me too bad when it’s a generic choir or something. Or when it’s kids that are singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for their own enjoyment. Or any music in a Christmas movie while I’m watching the movie. But I hate it when a pop star just has to put out an album of the same old Christmas carols. What does Jessica Simpson really add to O Holy Night that the 800 million other people who have done it don’t? Did Neil Diamond really have to cover John Lennon’s “Merry Christmas/War Is Over” 8 or 9 years ago and slap it on his Christmas album? When there wasn’t a war on? Isn’t he kind of missing the point? Hell, isn’t he Jewish? (yes, he is. Trust me, I know. My mom loves the guy. And she loves that song. The Neil Diamond version that is. Not the John Lennon version. And is a Christmas music addict in general which is probably another reason why I get tired of hearing so much of it.)

The song I most hate is Santa Baby. I realize it’s supposed to be tongue in cheek, but it’s the most materialistic damn song ever. And makes all women look like money grubbing whores. It reminds me of that diamond commercial they air around Christmas where the guy starts screaming, “I love this woman!” and the woman gets all mad, because his display of love embarrasses her, for no reason I can tell other than that she’s a huge jerk. But then he whips out a diamond, and she’s all, “I love you.” But really, she just loves that big stinking diamond. I hate that woman.

Anyway, I might be leaving out a couple because I’m absentminded, but this is all a whiney prelude to the bit where I wanted to mention the few Christmas songs I do love: Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer, Feliz Navidad, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings – Sara McLachlan/Barenaked Ladies, and Christmas All Over Again – Tom Petty

Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer is funny as hell, even after I’ve heard it a hundred billion times. It is the first Christmas novelty song, and even after countless imitators is still the funniest. Most of them are pretty lame, actually. And even though it sounds mean, I think it is the kind of song that shows love and affection for Grandma, even as she’s being ran over. I’ve heard a rumor of a sequel called “Grandpa’s going to sue the pant’s off Santa” but I can only dream.

God Rest Ye – this totally flies in the face of everything I said earlier about people thinking they give something new to the song, but what can I say. I think it’s the one modern cover of any Christmas song that actually gives anything to the song, though I couldn’t tell you what.

Christmas All Over Again – I just like it. It rocks out. And it gets played less, so I haven’t heard it 18 million times before.

Feliz Navidad – Okay, you’ve looked at the other songs on the list. You’re like, she’s got a twisted sense of humor, so I can see Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. And she seems like a Tom Petty/Sara McLachlan/Barenaked Ladies kinda gal. But how the hell did she come up with Feliz Navidad? And I would have to answer that question with: I don’t know. I just LOVE that song. I hear it and I get giddy. And it has to be the original version, the old Spanish guy, whoever he is. If Tom or Sarah or the Ladies came out with it, I would break the cd into a million pieces, pour gasoline on it, light it on fire, and throw the burning shards at their stupid faces for thinking they could top the perfection of that song!

So that's long winded, but I felt like saying it. Back to the penis paper.