Welp, I'm depressed again. I'll have long swathes of time where I'm functioning pretty close to normal, and then for a few days I just feel crappy about something.*

Something including but not limited to: having IBS, having insomnia, never having a boyfriend, ACS 168, being an ACS minor, being a Com major, going to ISU, having no friends, the future of humankind (or lack thereof) etc. And usually thinking about one gets me started on one of the others.

Right now I'd say never having a boyfriend started it, but I've thought of most the others today (except I'm happy with 168 for once).

Here's the dumbest possible start for it: I was watching Stephen King's Carrie on TV last night. I mean, I don't even like horror novels/shows. I just did it because I was bored and lonely. Anyway, some of the sadness started immediately--my mom's not quite that bad, people weren't ever quite that mean to me, but I know what it's like to be an outcast with an overbearing mother. But most of it started during the prom scene--before everything went south. I started crying because I never went to the prom.

I'm a Junior in college. Why do I even care about this anymore?

But I did care. It's not like I can ever go to prom now, you know? Its just a door that's been permanently closed for me.

Here's all of the school dances I've ever been to:

8th grade at Miller Park-- I went with my friend Nicole, and she ditched me
8th grade at Chiddix Jr. High -- I went with my friend Nicole, and she ditched me

Junior Year -- After Prom -- My friends and I had a little party at a friend's house during prom, and went to After Prom afterwards. We had a lot of fun, though I think I got in an arguement over something with them near the end. There was awesome food, especially these huge yummy strawberries.

Senior Year -- Homecoming -- I was part of a club called "Advocates" that worked with the mentally disabled kids. A few of those kids came, and I watched them, along with some other people. It was really fun because a lot of my friends came along too, and there were enough other people watching the kids that I had time to have fun with my friends as well. This one guy who I have no idea who he is or was came up and gave me a flower and said I looked really nice that night. I thought it was a joke someone was playing on me, and wasn't overly thankful at the time, but no joke was played, so I don't really know what the point was, as I never saw him again.

Senior Year -- Sweetheart -- Awful. Only one of my friends came (she was also in Advocates), only one other Advocate besides myself and my friend showed up, and more of the disabled kids showed up than last time. We had to make one of them go home early, because she was pestering guys with dates and making them dance with her instead of who they brought, and being increasingly abrasive when guys turned her down. Plus, she had to leave early anyway, and wouldn't let us get her to the exit. At the time I was in the only relationship I'd ever been in (an online one, I was stupid) and was especially sad when they played a song I really knew he liked and was all alone without anyone to dance with.

Senior Year -- After Prom. We were all going to go with the group of friends but everyone else ended up with dates but me, so I didn't go. I came to see them at after prom, but everyone was tired from prom and didn't want to do anything but sit around. The strawberries I'd liked so much the year before were covered with this gross chocolate this time. I had an IBS attack and just went home.

Anyway, I just keep thinking of crap like this today, it's dull and rainy, I have no friends, and I'm sad.

"it always seems those little things, they take the biggest part of me."

*Also, today I accidently set my alarm an hour early, so I rushed to get to class, opend the door onto a bunch of puzzled strangers, and realized I had an hour until class starts.... A bit better than being an hour late, I guess