Okay, this e-mail seriously illustrates why this guy is the only Prof I keep in touch with: (yes, I do call him Scurvy. yes, he does call me Monkeypox. The dog reference stems from a mutal friend naming her dog after him, his real name, and in reaction I said I'd get a dog and name him Scurvey and give him an eypatch and pegleg and he'd be a badass pirate dog. The Belize bit is he's always traveling, and I asked him how he affords it.)

MP,

I would never insult you by spelling your name, "Monkeypox," wrong -- so you'd better get it right on "Scurvy" (no "e" in it), especially if you are going to append it to an innocent canine. That's "SCURVY." Got it? Didn't they ever teach you the ditty in grade school: "E" before "Y" except after "V," as in "SCURVY"? I'd hate to see it in the newspaper spelled wrong. About being able to afford trips like Belize . . . there's not much dough in professoring but lots in drug pushing and arms smuggling. Why do you suppose I retired early?

SCURVY

My reply:

The E is so I can tell you and the dog apart! Oh snap! I got you good with that one! Seriously, though, you've got to get me in on the drug dealing and arms smuggling. I think I would be awesome at that. I'd be all, "Give me the money!" and they'd give me the money, because they'd see in my eyes that I mean business. Also, I invented a gun that shoots crack, which I think would revolutionize both businesses. Let me know.

--Monkeypox