When I was younger and thought of myself, I never dreamed I'd become like this

Man, I'm so depressed lately. And I'm not even sure what to do about it. I mean yesterday--I was programming. And....I just hate it so much. I had to stop. I e-mailed a couple people as a break. But then I just left the lab, I couldn't make myself stay and do it. Which, pretty well screws me, the program is due tomorrow and I'm way behind. And I've been up today for a couple hours, and I still can't make myself go back to it.

Then, on the way home from the lab, I went to talk to some people at the campus radio station about a job. Not a paying job, I don't think they pay anyone. I missed the "informational meeting" about it for this semester, because it was at the same time as my Hardware and Software Concepts class. What they told me, basically, is that if I had come to them right after the informational meeting, maybe I could get an interview, but as it is...I probably couldn't get a job. Which... it shouldn't have upset me that much. I mean, I could've tried to get into the radio station way before this, and they're right about me waiting a little too long after the meeting to actually come in and talk to someone. I really am reluctant to commit myself to anything. But at the same time, I feel like an ass, because if I don't get a job at the station, I'm not going to have any experience at all in radio when I graduate, which is something that is really stupid to do, considering how scarce radio jobs are.

Lately I've been thinking of maybe switching my sights onto TV production instead of radio. It's a bad job market too, but not quiiite as crappy. So I was thinking of joining the TV Student Workshop. But EVERY meeting for that one meets at the same damn time as Hardware and Software Concepts. To add insult to injury, I DESPISE that class. If I were missing these opportunities because of a class I liked, it would be annoying, but I just want to SCREAM, because I missed TV Workshop and the Radio meeting because of fucking Hardware and Software Concepts. It is the most useless, stupid class ever. And it's taught by a guy who could easily make ISU's top five most idiotic profs. And that's SAYING something. There are a LOT of morons teaching at ISU, I know because I've had most of them.

Anyway.... when I found out I couldn't get a job at the radio... I started crying, and I couldn't stop. I walked home, sobbing. When I got in my room, I cried and cried. I just kept thinking about how I hate programming, and I hate Hardware and Software Concepts, and how I've never had a boyfriend, and I don't have any friends, and how I'm sick of the food they serve at the dining center, and how I spend all day just watching TV or doing something equally useless, I can't even make myself read my textbooks, and how I hate going out in the cold to all my classes.... Every trivial little thing.

I thought of calling up my mom. I complain about her a lot, but she's always really nice to me and listens when I feel bad. But I never did. Because I didn't just want to whine about my crappy life, I somehow wanted her to be like, "you should quit college like you want to!" or even, "Maybe we should talk to a therapist about the problems you've been having. You seem pretty depressed lately, and I think you need some help." I knew I'd just whine and she'd sympathize, and it'd be over, and everything would be just as crappy as before I called.

So I cried, and ate, and watched TV. I went to observe at the ISU TV station. I talked to Wanda about boys and to Talia about cheese. And it's the next day, and I can't make myself program.