Sorry for the rapid fire posts, but I keep meaning to post things and then remember them and then make a new post, and then remember another thing....

Anyway, it's kind of funny to think of things you've done that leave a mark on a place. Like, the keyboards at the registers used to be hella gross, but Carmax cleaned them, so I always think of her there when I use them. Or at least I will till they get gross again.

I was thinking of the things I've done to either improve or deface my workplace, and most of them were at the registers too. And I think almost no one knows I've done them. Here they are:

--I took all the paperclips and linked them all up. No one even noticed until weeks after I did it.

--I wrote the smartass comments on the cashier talking points cards. They've been replaced.

--I made and hung an oragami star on one side of the computer.

--I drew one of my bizarre drawings and then shoved it under the glass counter. This I did nearly at the start of the job, before I realized that if there's nothing to do at the register, I still have to pretend like I'm doing something, rather than draw. I actually mentioned it to Carmax the other day, and she was like, "That was you????" Apparently actual customers had thought it was cool and would ask her who did it. I was a little depressed, I looked for it today, and it was gone.

So the Post Secret book just came out, and I didn't even know (I only visit like once a month, because I like to read a lot all at once). You know how I found out? Someone came into the store wanting it. And we lost the sale because they didn't want to bother trying to order it.

They were pretty happy that I knew what they were talking about, but unhappy when it turned out we didn't have any. But there were like a jillion in the corporate warehouse. Damn our po-dunk town for not wanting to buy any.

But then again: I dunno if I'll buy it anyway. It's really frickin' expensive. I hate hardcover books. Even with my discount it's kind of a waste, especially since it's the type of book you're going to get through pretty fast.

But you should buy it and support Post Secret. Do it! Do it!

(I'm half-tempted to order it through the store and read it on a break or something and then not buy it, since you're not obligated to buy special orders at the store. But it's kind of a crappy thing to do so I have moral qualms about trying that)

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night sick to your stomache and with a pounding headache and the new Weezer single stuck in your head no matter what you do and you can't fall back to sleep for the life of you?

Yeah, me too. Damn you, "We Are All On Drugs."

D'oh. As Ryan so courteously points out: I screwed up the link, Karaoke Supernova is here, actually.

Today I hung out with Carmax, it was a lot of fun. Though I think I offended her husband. He was kind of hanging around and seemed friendly enough, but he's german and I made a joke about germans being racist and after that he was not so friendly anymore. Which, was totally bad taste on my part, I don't know him too well to be going around stereotyping his country.



We decorated Carmax's Christmas tree and had tacos, and talked about the urine test she had to take today for another job.

Today, somehow Mulva and I got to imagining what it would be like if Yoda rapped. And while it didn't really conform to Yoda's talking patterns, I have to say I found bits like, "Sideous is hideous!" and "I got nookie from a wookiee!" so hilarious I hurt afterwards.

Then he told me that Yoda probably was lying about getting nookie from a wookiee, and that Yoda is full of hubris and arrogance when he starts rapping.

In other news: I think I'm going to start calling "new guy" "el camino" after his bitchin' El Camino. And also: he's growing on me, and there's like 50 other new people right now anyway. Because since El Camino started, Mulva, a cashier, a new cafe guy, and three booksellers have started, so he's really not that new, relatively.

Kevin cracked me up today. He was throwing away old magazines and being like, "Uh, oh, phoe! This is your last chance to read __________" whatever horrible gossip mag he happened to be throwing away. And I'd pretend to be all horrified. Then I had him cover while I went to the bathroom, and I told him thanks, and he was like, "Yeah, well, I had to. I thought to myself, what would Mary Kate do?" and holds up a magazine with the Olsen twins on the cover extolling the virtues of Mary Kate's "new healthy diet."

And I was like, "Yeah. Well you know what? Mary Kate would also lend me fifty bucks to bet on the ponys. I have a hot tip." And then we discussed whether or not Mary Kate Olsen would lend me money for various underhanded purposes.

I finally had my lunch with boss-boss, and she thinks it's funny that I say the good folks at Barnes & Noble fart into their books. So I guess she can't be all bad.

In other news, it's going to turn into the people who know Phoe store! I swear, one of the new people actually knows me (though didn't put my name on their app like Mulva did)! I saw the new people today and was all surprised when I found out. Anyway, she's one of my old TV-10 buddies, so that's cool.

New KS

Phoemeister: but you KNOW Angelina Jolie would totally be up for a lesbian affair with a fry cook
Phoemeister: you KNOW she would
Sarcasmyst: *laughs* It's true! It's part of her allure.

So today was not as bad as I would've thought (they say the friday after thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year). I don't know if it's because I came in at 4, when most of the rush was over or what, but it wasn't bad at all.

We did get some pretty weird customers, though. There was this one lady all telling me about all the christmas decorations she was going to buy from Gordman's and all about this homemade sausage she made. I was at the register, however, and no one else was coming, so I couldn't really hurry her along. I started giggling when she got to the sausage, and Mulva was all, "You insulted that woman's homemade sausage! How dare you!"

And there was this lady with this bratty kid. Like... he was only four or five but not only was he causing a commotion, but he was actually calling her a shithead and stuff. But she was like, horribly mean back. She like, asked us if we carried muzzles. And then after one particularly bad comment of the kids, she says in this singsong voice, "Orphanage!" which was pretty funny despite how horrible it was.



After work I went through the promos and actually found some decent CD's. Maybe I should've given them a second chance before this? Anyway, I doubt I would actually pay much for these, but I got this sampler of Aqualung songs, 2 of which I didn't already have, and Bowling for Soup Goes to the Movies, which I think Bowling for Soup is semi decent, and I do enjoy weird covers. Though I think there might be a couple originals on there? I don't know. Very few of the song names do I actually recognize from any movie. Here's hoping.

Phoemeister: we make a great team
Phoemeister: you say things about penises
Phoemeister: I cross stitch them onto samplers
BSD: I'm very good at that!
Phoemeister: and also very proud about it, apparently
BSD: It's a talent.
BSD: Also I can say things about farting.
Phoemeister: wow
BSD: I'm a catch.

My thanksgiving was alright. I've noticed, though, the older I get the less magical holidays get. I'm not sure if it's because I'm grown up and not as easily impressed anymore, or the half-assedness that seems to infect my family more and more each year.

Because this year it was just me and my parents, 3 people. The turkey and mashed potatoes were the only dishes that took any real work, the only other things we had were cranberry sauce from the can, prepackaged rolls, microwaveable green beans, and store bought pie. Store bought key-lime pie, no less. AND she wouldn't clear off her side of the table to make it nice for us. She wouldn't even take the damn TV off the table this year, though she at least turned it off during the meal, which she never has the consideration to do during a normal dinner.

I admit: my mom was sick. So... it would suck to make her bang out a hugely impressive meal. AND honestly, I have always been soley about the mashed potatoes and rolls, so no weird cranberry dish or green bean dish was not that big of blow (though I did kind of miss the pumpkin pie despite the store-bought key-lime being surprisingly excellent).

BUT, she won't let me cook either to make a pie or anything else to make the dinner fancier. AND she doesn't even have to do much with the turkey, my dad always grills it.

Anyway, it also kind of made me sad because this is the first year we don't get thanksgiving with my sister. Her husband's parents are divorced and remarried, so between them and us, that's like three thanksgivings she has to go to in a day. And on top of that, now she has a kid to cart around with her. So my mom was like, "Yeah, you can skip our thanksgiving if you want, maybe we'll go out to eat at a restaurant sometime together to make it up." Which, pissed me off because my mom told me point blank that if I had to work this weekend I wouldn't get in on the make-up thanksgiving dinner, and end up not seeing my sister and the phew at all for thanksgiving. And believe me, my sister wouldn't contact me to see me. Whenever we do anything that the parents don't choreograph, I'm the one who always has to call her and get the ball rolling. Every time. But.. thankfully I did end up with one day off this weekend, so I'll be able to go.

I'm hoping maybe my sister will stop being such a pushover to her husband's two familys and just say, "You know what, I'm going to make my own thanksgiving and you can come if you want, but if you don't, screw you I'm not going to drag my baby to both of your houses and not even see my own family." And then maybe we could all just have thanksgiving at her house. But then again, she sees mom and dad like, every week, they're all such good buddies, I'm the Robert of my whole Everybody Loves Raymond freakin' family, the only one she doesn't see that often is me, so she probably wouldn't think it's worth it just for that.

I think that's the real reason so many people claim to hate the holidays and birthdays and other special occaisions. Just because they're sad it can't be like when they were kids. I'm hoping now that we do have a kid in the family, I can maybe start living vicariously through him when he gets old enough to know what holidays are.

New Karaoke Supernova

I mentioned this in my last post, but I think this reaction is too funny to not put up:

Phoemeister: Sista is trying to hook me up with this guy from the navy
Phoemeister: and I'm stalking him via the internet
Sui: nice! You win at the interstalkernet!

So today I revealed to my coworkers I'm a commie.

At least, that's what I decided to abbreviate my B.A. in communications to. I don't know why, but I thought that was hilarious when I came up with it. I made sure to let Hootie know that her degree in psychology made her a psycho, and let TII know that his degree in History makes him histrionic. He was not amused... though I think secretly he was amused but pretends to disapprove of things. Today, as a joke, I was sitting around off the clock waiting for Sista (I'd already gotten off work for the day but we wanted to have dinner together during her break) reading High Times, and I proudly displayed it to him and he was all fake-horrified.

By the way: High Times is actually really boring except for the ads. The ads, however: Awesome. Urinetheclear.com and "the whizzinator" are both products I hope to invest in and make a fortune.

Speaking of Sista (which I was before I got sidetracked by High Times), she's probably the first person I know in real life who has read the blog, and her verdict is, and I quote, "so I just read my friend Phoe's internet blog and I was laughing so hard." That makes me relieved. I only even told one other person about my blog, and then she couldn't remember how to get to it and never asked again, so either she visited it and hated it and pretended she hadn't, or she genuinely didn't have enough interest. I'm hoping it's the latter. She's one of the gang of religious kids I hung out with in high school, and I'm pretty sure some of the stuff I've said on here could upset her. But she was all, "no, I really wouldn't get offended," before I told her, so who knows. I could actually probably use Sista's real name now that she knows about my blog, but I bet she would feel left out if she was denied a secret identity from my elaborate system of pseudonyms.

Sista is trying to hook me up with her friend GI Joe, by the way. Which I appreciate, as I need all the help I can get with men. Anyhow, I'm breaking the rule and calling him GI Joe (his real name is Joe) because it's too perfect of a nickname to pass up. Apparently he's in the Navy . So "Navy Joe" quickly became "GI Joe," and thus an embarassing nickname for someone who doesn't even know I exist was born. Anyway, she says GI Joe and I have the same kind of humor or something.



I WAS told I was awesome today. I was doing my usual friendly banter routine with the customers, and Lister was like, "Phoe, you're awesome" kind of out of nowhere. And I was like, "wha?" and he said he liked my customer banter.

Which, by the way, one of my stock pieces of banter is saying, "now don't spend it all in one place!" whenever a customer gets back a penny for change. Mulva was there while I said it once today, and he was like, "You're mocking the customer, Phoe! Now they'll feel bad about how they don't have any money anymore after shopping here!" and this was right in front of a customer, and since we have to hit them up for their email to give them coupons anyway, I kind of included her and was like, "well... if you give us your e-mail you can get coupons and be much richer after the next time you visit the store," and Mulva was like, "In spirit, Phoe. Richer in spirit."

I think we make a great team at bantering.

In other news (I just now noticed this is the longest post ever.... hahah, you losers still have to read it): I think my nephew is one o' them there genius babies. I mean, I'm kind of joking, but I'm kind of not. He's less than a year and a half old, and he's been going to the refrigerator when he wants food. And when someone opens it, he finds and gets out exactly what his favorite food is. AND, I forgot to mention this when he originally started it, but he throws garbage into the trashcan too. And like... he doesn't just throw everything in the garbage, he actually finds garbage and then goes to the trash can and throws it away. And he's done it multiple times, so it's not a fluke. By the time he is potty trained, I can just tell he's going to be our evil overlord, for sure.

When I got my haircut, I also got my eyebrows waxed. It kind of backfired, because I think my hairdresser was a little overzealous with the waxing. She shaped them into these arch-things that I think give me a sort of perpetually startled-looking expression.

Phoemeister: now I'm arguing with him over when the last weird al album came out
Phoemeister: I have no idea when the last weird album came out
Phoemeister: but my goal is to actually make him get up and go and find it
Phoemeister: because he's so intent to prove it to me
Phoemeister: even though he doesn't know who the hell I am
Sui: haha
Sui: you're a freak you know that?

I got a phone call from the customer who's always in a permenant drug haze. He was all asking me to look up King of the Hill, and I listed out all the seasons we have and how much they cost, and then he was like, "thank you," and hung up on me.

And I got a phone call from this old confused customer who's always calling us up to look up obscure music albums and order them and then cancel them and then call us back up and yell at us for canceling the orders.... anyway, he makes you look up all the songs on each album and list them out to him. I've gotten to the point where I say them all in a kind of automated moviefone-like voice, so that the "I want you baby!" sort of titles sound less like I actually want whoever's on the phone. But I did break down and start giggling today when one of the song titles was "Do Me." I bet he's a dirty old man who does this on purpose.

We've also started this thing where if someone calls us up and puts something on hold, we put another book on hold that we think that customer might also like. I've been itching to try it out (for some reason I haven't been getting holds over the phone and thus no opportunity). But today I got two and I was all sad because neither person wanted something I could easily reccomend something else I liked for. Someone wanted some book of christian fiction, and so I put some other random christian fiction book in with it that looked like it was a bestseller or something and wrote "more great christian fiction!" on the slip where it says why we are reccomending it. The other one was Home Alone, and I put in Home Alone 3 and said, "More great Home Alone Fun!" True story.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. For... no real reason. I just hate my hair. But I always hate my hair.

I'm thinking of getting bangs again.

So I think New Guy has an El Camino. The other day, I got off work and there was an El Camino parked next to me, and I went home and was like, "Guess what! There was a bitchin' El Camino next to me in the parking lot today!" And then today there was an El Camino next to me, so either I'm being stalked by someone with an El Camino, or it's someone who works there, and since I figured I'd notice by now if it was anyone else.....

New Guy, btw, is our new Corporate Sales Representative, who's basically responsible for doing cross promotional things and trying to get corporate accounts and stuff half the time, and then the other half of the time he does regular seller stuff like the rest of us. Technically, New Guy will not be the new guy by tomorrow, when Mulva has his first day and will be the newest person, but... I already have a pseudonym for Mulva and I don't know New Guy well enough for anything better than New Guy.

Tomorrow is going to suck, btw. There's this mandatory meeting at 8:00 a.m. that you have to go to even if the hours you work don't include 8. My hours DID include 8, but of course someone needed their schedule switched around (freaking prima donnas!) and Lister was trying to fill the hole and comes up to me with this sheepish smile on his face like he's about to ask me something I won't like and I want to run in the other direction but I can't. And he asks me if I'll switch my hours... and I do.

In other news, I knocked over a huge stationary display today. I didnt' break anything besides my dignity. It was sad. I also had lunch in today, which I don't very often because it's kind of weird to sit around in the break room alone eating. But today Elaine* had her break at the same time today, and we ended up talking and it was pretty cool, and then Kevin and New Guy were about to start shifts but ended up coming early and having nothing to do but loiter around and talk to me. Oh, and once again, I have to say "adorable" is the best ever adjective for Kevin. I made some joke to New Guy about how I loved everyone at the store except Kevin and then very fakily pretended to just realize Kevin was in the room all of a sudden, and he pretended to hide behind his sandwich. Tell me that is not the cutest thing you've ever heard of a grown man doing! Which: btw, don't take "adorable" and "cute" the wrong way, I have no aspirations toward seducing Kevin not only is he a supervisor, but he's married too. Also, he and I ended up talking about the Hulk and how Surfjan Stevens is on both our christmas lists and deciding we were separated at birth. True story.

__
* Elaine is one of the managers, after boss-boss she and Lister are the highest ranked people at the store. I call her Elaine because she is obsessed with Seinfeld, and I can't come up with a better name. We HAVE discussed a ton of movies together though, and we share a love of Wonderboys and Napoleon Dynamite. And she's SO much fun that sometimes I forget to be paranoid around her that she's one of the higher ups.

Oh, I also forgot to mention a couple other things:

--boss-boss is annoying me. She does this thing where you leave a note for her in her mailbox and she never gets back to you. Whenever anyone asks for a day off, she never tells them, and then you just get to assuming you have that day off... and you don't. She never even tells you at some point that you aren't getting it off till too late. But... it's not even things like that, I left her a note about having lunch for Employee of the month... and got nothing back. And I don't want to badger her about it and be like "pay up my free meal!" to my boss. So I guess I'm either going to wait for her to bring it up next, and if she never does, just never have the lunch. Which is probably for the best, I'm not crazy about her ever since she fired Carmax. Which is unfortunate, because she's actually started warming up and we've had some half-decent conversations since then. But in the back of my head whenever I talk to her I'm like, "don't bond with boss-boss! She fired Carmax! She probably is just waiting for an excuse to fire you too!"

--Kevin has an album! Of music! Yeah.... he's the most mild mannered, quiet person ever, so it's just weird. Because he has a couple songs that are just... the opposite of what I percieved his personality to be before that. One of his songs is even all about how he wants to quit his job. Apparently he gave Carmax a copy a long time ago and she lent it to me. I thought I wouldn't ever be able to look him in the face again after that, but it's actually kind of good. So while I miss out on the mocking opportunities, it's all for the best. Oh, and the other day I was talking about something or other and he came by and said, "you go, girl!" and it was the most adorable thing ever.

--I wrote a song for the rock opera, called "Phoe is Not a Fat-Ass Bitch," which I'd like to share with you (beleive me, it's HILARIOUS if you could hear what I do with the little asides. I swear!)

Phoe is not a fat ass bitch (yeah)
I am not a fat ass bitch (yeah)
She called me a fat ass bitch (no!)
But I am not a fat ass bitch (yeah)

If I am any type of bitch (what?)
I am a skinny bitch (yeah)
I said if I am any type of bitch (what?)
I am a skinny bitch (yeah)

she followed me into the parking lot (parking lot)
but I ran into the store (into the store)
after she called me a fat ass bitch (which I am not)

So.. yeah.

So Mulva is officially hired! We noticed his name on the schedule for next week. Mouse noticed. He was like, "Who the hell is Mulva, and why is he working 10 hours on Sunday?"

Well I knew who Mulva was, and told him, and he already knew the whole sordid story because I am always telling people stories and then forgeting who I told and then retelling them.... Anyway, I think the latter part is we have this mandatory meeting on Sunday about Christmas stuff, so I think they just added that hour onto his time and then we get a one hour break... blah blah.

In other news, I totally love Mouse (in a platonic way.) Today I was doing something or other and made this really weird sounding grunt, and he turned to me, and was like, "Phoe, I love you." And I said, "Uh... you're okay too, I guess." and then he added, "....like a handicapped little sister." I laughed so hard.

So today, the lady from the fender bender totally came into the store. At least I think it was her. I'm 99% sure it was the woman. But like, in case of that 1% I didn't want to go off on an innocent person. And even if she was the right person, it would probably not look good for me to be having an altercation with someone in the middle of the store.

But I mean, I wanted to go up to her and be like, "Could you give me your insurance? You scratched the hell out of my car, you know. Oh? What? It was my fault? Like hell it was! I was too scared to stand up to you before, but now I'm in my element and I have 5 other coworkers in here that love me and will help me give you a beat down if you start something today. Stopping to call me a bitch yesterday is one thing, coming in here, where I WORK, and trying to make me feel bad about YOUR mistake is another."

I settled for pointing her out to Hootie. Who, by the way, was really sweet about it. Later, after she'd been there awhile (the fender bender woman was in the store a really long time) I was like, "She still hasn't left!" in despair, and Hootie was like, "I know, I've been keeping an eye on her." And then later, Mouse found out he'd actually rung her up at the registers and was all, "Why didn't you tell me it was her!?" And apparently I'd been up at the registers too at the time but hadn't noticed (all day I kept getting these transactions that there was some crazy procedure to, so I bet it happened then while I was focusing in on that), and Hootie had too, and was like, "Yeah, I was trying to hustle through the transaction I was on so I'd get her and you wouldn't have to ring her up."

And Mouse was also really nice, I told the whole story to him after that, including this bit where the lady called me a fat-ass bitch* he was like, "you're not fat at all," and I was like, "Yeah, I know." And he's like, "I mean, really, you're not even close." I think he was afraid I was going to get a complex from being called fat or something.

In other news, Mulva** had his job interview today. I didn't really get to talk to him, but I caught a glimpse of him on the way to boss-boss's office. And afterwards boss-boss said she liked Mulva and is probably going to hire him if his references check out. So hooray for him!

One last thing, I wanted to mention last night, is Hootie had the best line ever. Apparently one of her kids has a ton of Transformers, and she told me the number, and I was like, "wow," and she's like, "Yeah, try transforming all of THOSE fuckers." And it was hilarious.
___
* Which didn't make me mad, actually. I mean... first off, I'm not fat. And then secondly, it's just so random. Like, you're arguing about a traffic thing, and you're losing, so you just bust out, "Yeah, well you're fat!" Hootie and I found it so hilarious that after that I just kept randomly calling coworkers fat as a joke. Ummmm... it was a lot funnier in person. Especially since some of my coworkers are extremely skinny. It's like, "errr... you just called me fat?" and I'd be like, "Yeah, fattie!" ....again, funnier and less mean spirited than it sounds.

** This is the guy from my film class that stopped in awhile ago and we ended up chatting, and then I had to backpedal when I realized it was actually this guy who I obviously DO know The name Mulva is from that Seinfeld episode where he has no idea what the name of the woman he's dating is. He starts trying to play tricks on her to get her to say her name, and one of them is "when you were a kid, what names did the other kids call you," and she mentions something like, it was too easy because her name rhymed with a part of the female anatomy. So later he and George are brainstorming names that she could have, and George is like, "Mulva!" ...yeah. I watch too much TV.

So, I got in a fender bender on the way to work today. Actually, probably the first one I've ever had that wasn't my fault.

I was in a left turn lane, and this lady was trying to get into it ahead of me, even though I was bumper to bumper with the car ahead of me. I like to think of myself as a fairly nice person, so I actually think under normal circumstances I might've let her in even though pulling in that close to someone who's bumper to bumper with the person ahead of you is kind of a tool-ly thing to do, in my opinion. Especially since the lane was really full, and I probably wouldn't get through the next light if I let her in ahead of me.

BUT, I was late to work, there'd been some construction I hadn't anticipated taking like five hours to get through, and we have a very strict policy on what constitutes being late (if you're six minutes late, it's an "occurance" and I'd already had one not that long ago due to a homecoming parade). So I was determined to make it through that fucking light.

Anyway, the damn woman pulled up so close to my car that as I went forward she scratched my entire car from the front to the rear. Then she followed me to the store's parking lot and started yelling at me and calling me a bitch and being all like, "I had my turn signal on, you bitch!" and I freaked out and ran into the store without getting any insurance info from her. And I was also still fixated on getting into work on time. I just couldn't think. I was shaking afterwards from the adrenaline.

So, yeah, that sucks.

On a lighter note, I'd like to inform you that one of my bosses, Lister*, said this, and it really cracked me up, "....and that was the night I ended up out on the street drinking with bums." He's actually one of the people who gave me my original job interview, and we bonded over our love of sci-fi. And he mentioned tonight (somehow we did get on the topic of my job interview) that I was fidgety. And that's what you're not supposed to do at job interviews. And I said, I know that, but it makes me even more fidgety to think about how fidgety I am. And I must've done something right, I got hired.

Oh, also, I have to thank Tina for loving Terry Pratchett, because if she didn't, I probably wouldn't know anything about his books, and Lister LOVES Terry Pratchett, and he totally loved me when I knew who Pratchett was. True story.

OH, and by the way: I finally remembered what I was so mad about in that dream that I threatened to stab them: they were playing the steel drums, and for some reason I didn't want them to (I dunno why, I don't have anything against steel drums, really) and they wouldn't stop and it really pissed me off.

_____
* That's a character name from Red Dwarf, which I think he is into.

I sometimes wonder if I just tell myself that Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author just because I want to feel smart. Because in that heap of books I bought, about half were Vonnegut and half were other assorted books, and I was like, "No... I don't want to read Vonnegut first!"

Though, Vonnegut's more challenging. And like I've said, I've been needing a fun easy book for awhile. But anyway, to be dutiful, I did start on God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater first. The others might take awhile, though. Because I think that's the only one I bought that I hadn't read before (the others I read at libraries or something), and no way am I going to pass up 3 Nick Hornby books I haven't read before and some pulp fantasy and sci fi that I really have been wanting for awhile to re-read Vonnegut.

I think my problem is though I like all Vonnegut, I think his earlier stuff is way better than the newer stuff. And I mostly did buy newer stuff. So... while I might be in a rush to re-read Galapagos, Cat's Cradle, or Breakfast of Champions, if I didn't already own them and have re read them a thousand times, some of the ones like Mother Night hold less of an appeal for me.

So I had a dream last night that I'm not sure if my brain stole it from a made for TV movie or what, but it was basically we were all in a high rise building, and something broke all the water pipes so the building filled with water really fast. Only, for some reason only the outside rim of the building filled that fast, trapping us, and then water was slowly coming up the middle and we knew we were all going to die. And then someone just tried some random door..... and we were saved. weirdness.

And I don't remember why, but I really got mad at someone after that, something to do with our recent brush with death perhaps, and I got insanely angry at them. Like... that happens to me in dreams. People do the stupid illogical stuff they do in dreams and I get really pissed at them for being such horses asses in my dream. Even more mad than I would if people were REALLY such horses asses in real life.

Anyway, I remember I started shouting out these ludicrous insults that kind of remind me of Will Ferrell doing that schtick, only I really meant them. The only one I can remember is I shouted at whoever it was, "I WILL stab you to death. LITERALLY."

True story.

New KS

Phoemeister: OH, you actually talked to him, he's the guy who answered the phone when you called me up with the A team theme song
Sui: ah gotcha
Sui: he's a tool!
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: why do you say that?
Sui: he ruined a perfectly good joke
Phoemeister: aww
Phoemeister: well he's really nice other than that
Sui: yeah.. you ruined it too
Sui: and I still talk to you
Sui: so.. can't fault him too much
Phoemeister: I used to be really scared of him, though. Because he looks exactly like this really mean bastard from WEAK
Phoemeister: ha ha :P

I admit, I did ruin it. But I said sorry...
Sui: no sorry can ever repay the ruined a-team call!
Phoemeister: maybe one day I'll call you up at the school
Phoemeister: and be like my computer is fucked up do you have an IT guy?
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: a sexy IT guy, with dead babies in his basement?
Phoemeister: and they'll be like, "Ryan!"
Sui: "are you a parent of one of our children?"
Sui: oh yeah
Sui: that'll go over well :P
Phoemeister: and I'll play you the A team theme song
Phoemeister: well
Phoemeister: okay
Phoemeister: I'lll pretend to be a kid
Phoemeister: and say you touched me inappropriately
Sui: haha
Sui: I hate you : P
Phoemeister: you LOVE me

So good news first:

I bought ALL my christmas gifts today, it was the day our discount goes up to 40% off. If number of packages equals love: I love my nephew best, my parents tie for second, and my sister and brother in law tie for the next spot. If number of presents equals love, I love my dad first because he likes cheap things so I got him a lot of cheap things. If dollar amount equals love, I don't know. I can't do math.

Though actually, by all those standards, I love myself the most because I did buy a lot. But it was all the books I'm going to read for the next six months. AND they were books that I was going to end up getting anyway. So I got them today at a discount.

Still, I bought the most of everyone today.

Bad news:

Carmax got fired! I couldn't believe it. Apparently it happened a day or two ago. Mouse told me. And neither of us knew why, and it was killing us because we're like, "Well... what if we're doing whatever it is she did and we don't even know?" And of course, with it being so sudden and hush-hush, all you can really assume is that the person was stealing. But we were like, "Carmax wouldn't do that!"

Optpri came in at one point (to shop, she actually had the day off) and she wasn't supposed to tell us what happened, but she did anyway, because 1) Mouse and I were seriously dying over it and 2) Carmax specifically told her to tell everyone, because she didn't want us all to hate her and think she was a thief.

What happened was Carmax used her employee discount for her sister. Which, we're not supposed to share our discount with anyone but our spouses.

It sucks that she got fired over it. Because it was only one time, two weeks after she started working at the store, and she didn't even know she couldn't. And the sister didn't buy a ton of things, it was one book.

Apparently someone from the corporate office talked to her about it, and it sounded like she was going to get off with a warning. But, according to Carmax, boss-boss decided to fire her anyway. Which makes me believe what Carmax has always said about boss-boss not liking her. Which I think is stupid, Carmax is awesome, I can't believe anyone not liking her. She is one of my favorite people at the store, and I'm always happy when I know we're going to work the same day because I know it's going to be fun with her around. And she's a good worker. She's probably made less mistakes than I have! I mean, I lost a check the first week I was working there and didn't really get in trouble, and it was for a lot more than what Carmax's sister saved on the book.

It's also kind of hinky that it's after all this time, the discount thing happened a couple of months ago.

I also feel bad that I was the one who rang it up! I did know better, but I didn't want to be a jerk and all, "your sister can't use your discount!" So I just let her do it. And if I had said something, she'd still have a job now. I feel really bad.

Also, a little paranoid. Does it look like we were in on it together? We have to initial things, so they full well know I rang her up that day. But no one's even talked to me about it. So either they think I'm innocent or boss-boss really does have something against Carmax but not me..... it's weird.

So I called her up after work. Optpri had made sure we had Carmax's phone number (though I already had it) in case we wanted to call her up. I had wanted to call her, but not been sure if it would sound too much like morbid curiousity, but since she'd apparently given Optpri license to spread her number around, I figured she wanted to be called for moral support.

Well happily: I think we're still going to be friends and hang out even though we don't work together anymore. And she was happy to get my call, she said the worst part about the whole thing was she was afraid we'd all think she was a thief or something. And we talked for two hours. Literally, it was at least an hour and a half. I don't think I've talked on the phone that long to anyone since I was a teenager. Anyway, we're going to write a rock opera about the store and how they screwed her. It's going to be awesome. Some other topics we're including:

--Boss-boss being a jerk
--Boss-boss being obsessed about being pregnant
--TII saying "milady" all the time
--The pile of dead babies in Sui's basement
--TII being slightly gay
--Us loving TII despite being slightly gay and a geek and saying milady all the time
--this one customer in a permenant drug haze that comes around all the time
--this one customer always twigging out on meth all the time
--people who get mad at our coupons and say, "we're going to barnes and noble!"
--this old confused customer who makes us look up albums and then tell him every song on the album over the phone, and then we order the album and he cancels it, and then calls up later and is mad that we canceled it
--how I faked loving Terry Pratchett in my job interview

I think there were more, but I forgot.

Gah. I hate being so picky about my food. But.... I am. And I'm tired of people giving me crap about it.

First off: my intestinal problems AREN'T because of my eating habits! I ate exactly like this for 18 years and was regular as a clock and now I have colitis and I feel terrible no matter what I eat.

Anyway, this is because a couple of the managers took some of us out for lunch to this chinese buffet. I hate chinese buffets. The only chinese food I'll eat is one dish at one restaurant. And it's not been sitting in a buffet under a hot lamp for an hour and a half.

And I didn't want to be a bastard about free lunch, but there was someone else who wasn't too keen on chinese, and I thought if we both said that, then maybe they'd consider somewhere else and it wouldn't look like me just being a jerk and making waves, but then it turns out that the chinese buffet had lots of other random crap so she went along and then I'd look like a jerk to be all, "I don't care if they have regular food, I'm not eating there!" But I HAD been to the place before, and I know for a fact that all the food that isn't actually chinese looks disgusting as hell and like it's been there for a long period of time.

So what I ended up doing is filling up on pineapple from the fruit part of the buffet. The thing about fruit (and vegetables, if I actually liked them in the first place and ate them) is that even if it has been sitting around and looks gross, you don't feel like you're taking your life into your hands when you eat it the way you do meat in similar conditions. And the pineapple is really good there, actually, it's nice and fresh.

I ended up with a lot of pineapple. Because it's not very filling. You have to eat a ton to get anywhere with it. But they thought it was A) hilarious and B) horribly deviant and wrong that I had this huge plate of pineapple. And while I didn't really mind A, B got on my nerves. So instead of a balanced meal, I have a whole lot of fruit! Sue me!

Though I do admit: eating that much fresh pineapple makes your mouth hurt, because of all the acid. Especially since I saw the dentist the day before so there was stuff still a little raw from them scraping around in there.

Then, because even that much pineapple wasn't enough to fill me up I had some rice. Restaurant rice kind of sucks, because it's all dry, but again: it doesn't feel like I'm taking my life into my hands. So I got some of that. And again, I got a lot of it because it's not that filling. And, um, the soy sauce kind of burned the pineapple wounds.

OKAY. I ADMIT IT. I have weird eating habits. But it's like, why is it that weird? It's not like I alternated mouthfuls of this stuff, I ate it all separately. So it's not like mixing things that would be disgusting together. And fruit and rice are pretty healthy, right? And no, it's not giving me any more bowel problems than I already have anyway. And who doesn't love fresh pineapple, really?

Also I saw some lemon meringue pie and had it. But didn't eat the crust.

This is why I dread eating with other people. It's even worse, though, if you go to someone's house and they cook for you. I can't tell you how many friends' moms I've pretended to nibble at the food they cook while trying to inhibit my gag reflex.

Sui: so.. this is a geeky joke on.. too many levels to count
Sui: but in this game that I play..
Sui: (and that should give it away right there)
Sui: but yeah.. so you can creat guilds, basically groups of people who play together
Sui: and depending on how many of the enemy you kill, you recieve a rank
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: I'm folowing so far
Sui: private, corporal, etc.
Sui: so.. I created this guild, "Lonely Hearts Club Band"
Sui: and a character named Peppers
Sui: and am currently trying to get him to Sergeant
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: you're such a loser
Phoemeister: IBPW
Sui: hahah
Sui: it's hilarious and you love it
Phoemeister: I DO love it
Phoemeister: you're making me want to have your babies
Sui: haha
Sui: even the non-retarded ones?
Phoemeister: yes
Phoemeister: even the not retarded ones!

So the other day I revealed my secret to winning knife fights to my coworkers, my secret being that I use a gun. Get it? When the other guy gets out a switchblade, I shoot them.

Okay, only one coworker found it funny (Optpri), but she found it hysterical. So I figure I win (at being funny, not at knife fights. I don't even know how to use a gun).

I had other (better) stuff I wanted to say, but then I forgot. So I guess my knife fighting techniques are all you're getting for today.

What kind of person goes straight for their junk e-mail before their real messages?

Me, apparently. Though, to be fair, the two e-mails I had in my inbox one was from this guy I hate, and the other was from work (not directly to me, just this news letter thing with coupons from the store that I signed up for once). And I have a couple of newsletters I signed up for a long time ago that I let go into my junk e-mail.

True story.

Oh, and aside from poop things, my day was alright. Oh, except I got a flu shot. I HATE flu shots. Because first off, I hate shots. But secondly: they're pretty useless. I went like 10 years as a kid without ever getting the flu, and then one year my mom up and decides we have to get a flu shot every year or else we're going to get the flu and it'll be horrible and we'll linger near death blah blah blah blah pointless fears.

And actually, for awhile I kind of believed her. I mean, not that linger near death blah blah blah blah stuff, but the fact that flu is shitty and this is a good way to avoid the flu. But the thing is: no one ever gets the flu! I was the only one I knew getting the flu shot for like, another 10 years, and I never knew anyone who got the flu. And every year they're all, "Oh, there's some horrible strain from ______" plug in the name of some random place in Asia. But it never comes! They're full of crap! Then, last year, there was the flu shot shortage, and my mom was going nuts, and eventually she badgered some place or ever to let her have it because of her lung problems and flu would be worse on her than a regular person. But I never got it. And everyone was all convinced the flu season would be a thousand times worse because all the people who usually get flu shots wouldn't. But neither I, nor anyone I knew, got the flu.

But anyway, I did decide to get it anyway this year, because people are always coming in the store, sneezing all over things, and then handing them to me. If the flu hits this town at all, I'm coming into contact with it, so I might as well be safe.

But my arm hurts. And every year I manage to wham my arm into something while it's still sore and almost kill myself, I'm not looking forward to THAT smooth move.

Also, new Karaoke Supernova.

Phoemeister: gah, brb. I've been really poopy today :-(
Sui: doh
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: it especially sucked, I did register today and every time you leave to use the bathroom you have to tell like three people
Sui: doh that sucks
Phoemeister: yeah
Sui: kind of embarrasing
Phoemeister: yeah, it was :/
Phoemeister: oh, also, I kind of told some people I have colitis, but not the people today, so I don't know if they thought I was just doing it to get breaks or had some really bad mexican food at lunch or what.
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: but I didn't want to be like, "Hey, I have colitis, by the way!" either
Phoemeister: and then have to tell them what colitis is after they're like, "what's that?"
Sui: yeah
Phoemeister: usually I try to keep it clean when I tell people I don't know what they'll think about it, by just minimizing it and going, "Oh, it's an intestinal thing, I can't have caffiene," but with the many trips to the bathroom, I'm thinking there would be some implied, "my BOWELS EXPLODE" stuff going on in the back of their minds
Phoemeister: which is, after all, what is really happening. But people don't need to know that.
Sui: haha yeah that might be worse than just going
Phoemeister: yeah. So that's why I didn't get into it. But, like I said, I worry that they think I'm making up the need for bathroom breaks. Or imagining something even worse than colitis. Though actually, I don't think there is anything more embarassing and/or disgusting than colitis that would cause several bathroom breaks.

Remember how awhile ago I mentioned this guy, who I know from a film class at ISU but I don't remember his name? And how I was certain I'd end up in some sort of Seinfeldian situation where I would need to know and not know and problems would arise?

Well, it happened! Apparently he tried applying to the store to get a job, and mentioned that he knew me on the application. And boss-boss asked me the other day if I knew this guy, or if he was just someone who randomly put down the name of the person who handed them the application (like some people apparently do). And I was like, "Uh, no. Never heard of this dude before in my life!"

Then he came in tonight and was like, "Um, by the way I put your name on my application." And I was like.... crap! So I asked him what his last name was (I figured this I should be able to do without looking like an ass) and it totally was the guy who I said I didn't know. BUT, I managed to look like not a total ass, because apparently he goes by his initials, so I wouldn't have known the first name he used on the app anyway, and obviously neither of us knows the other's last name as he didn't even put mine on when he applied.

But anyway, I told boss-boss about it and she didn't seem to think it was that weird that I didn't remember his name. Especially because of the whole initial thing. And she asked me if I thought he was a stand-up guy, and I told her how he was really nice and noticed I left my CD player behind in class and he saved it and brought it to the next class for me a long time ago. She really thought that was nice of him, and apparently his application looks good, so he actually might be hired. So that makes me feel better about accidently screwing him over with my poor remembrance of names. Also: what better illustration of karma is there ever? I mean, I don't know if I believe in karma in a religious sense, but really: doing good things for other people really does make good things happen to you. Because this guy was nice and saw that I left behind my CD player and saved it for me several years ago, he might be more likely to get a job he's applying for. How cool is that?



In other news, I was talking to this customer who wanted a new lightbulb for this little reading light. We offer replacement batteries, but not bulbs. And he was looking around at the lights we do have, I don't know why, and all sad that we didn't have the same one as he had (though we have 8,000 others). Then at the very last minute he mispoke and said something about batteries, instead of bulbs, so I thought maybe he had been looking for batteries this whole time, so I offered him batteries, and he says, very loudly, "I don't need batteries! I got batteries coming out the yin-yang!" I thought that was hilarious. I'm going to use the phrase coming out the yin-yang as much as possible from now on. Also funny: Kevin was around, and he only heard that last bit, and I had to explain to him how it escalated into "I got batteries coming out the yin-yang!" Which, Kevin's becoming quite fun to work around, I think he just must be the type that's really quiet until they get comfortable with you. But he really reminds me of my sister, there's this one trait they both have that I really love: they seem so serious, and you get in this mindset that they're serious people, but then they both just say something incredibly hilarious out of nowhere and it's a thousand times funnier because you don't expect it to come from "the serious one." Also, he saw the little things I wrote on those cards I mentioned, and showed me one and was like, "I'm gonna get whoever did this!" and then was like, "Just kidding." And then I felt bad and admitted to him that I actually was the one who did it. But he didn't seem mad. But I felt bad even though I came clean. Eh. I'm way too neurotic.

Oh, and while I'm mentioning things I love about coworkers: Mouse* has been cracking me up lately. He does this thing if I'm going to or from my car and he's already in his car going to or from the store, where he pretends to run me over. He never gets close, and it's not that funny, but when he does it it cracks me up so hard because he makes this face like he thinks it's just hilarious, and for some reason that makes me laugh. Also, the other day he came up to me with a banana in his pocket and said, "Yes, this IS a banana, AND I'm happy to see you." I should be horrified, but actually I just laughed my ass off. There's something in his delivery.

Sista: I love, LOVE how she gets all my lame jokes and thinks they're funny. The other day I made this horrible joke about how we were all in a square during morning meeting, and everyone's like, "Err, whatever," but she just thought it was great. And she's said before that I'm hilarious. I love the ego massage, but it's also nice to know that someone "gets it" and I'm not the only one on earth saddled with this bizzare sense of humor.

Carmax I also love that we get each other's jokes. But the thing is, I'm not exactly sure if we get them or just like laughing at each other. I swear, we get hysterical when we're together for some reason. They have to keep us separated, like we're kids at school, or else we'll explode.

I told her the yin-yang story today and she thought it was hilarious and also vows to use "out the yin-yang" as much as possible too. Oh, and also, she and I and this one manager who I have yet to come up with a pseudonym for have developed the habit of saying hello to each other like from that one episode of Seinfeld. So in a way, I have just come full circle (having mentioned seinfeld at the beginning of the post).

___
* For his love of Modest Mouse