I joke a lot about how ACS broke my will to live, but tonight I realize: in a lot of ways, I am broken. I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, other than sometime since I graduated high school.

I mean, I remember when I liked learning. When I didn't dread reading for school. My intellectual curiosity is dead, and my work ethic, which has always been on the weak side, flatlined quite some time ago. I hate doing everything.

Even going out. I just stay in and watch TV. Even shows I don't like. Because I hate going out.

Which doesn't matter anyway, because I've got no one else to go with, really. I'm afraid to talk to people, to try and make friends, because I've been rejected so much before. I've never had that many friends, but I can't remember a time before college where I was actively afraid to talk to strangers.

And also, I'm always obsessing about never having a boyfriend. But when I think about it, it's not just guys who don't like me. It's everyone.

Yes, I'm feeling morose.