"It could cut through napkins, bitches!"

Phoemeister: See, the worm has turned, now I urge you to sleep :P
Sui: yeah I should be sleep
Phoemeister: I was sleep for halloween once
Sui: I was asleep with your mom once
Phoemeister: Really? I heard there was very little actual sleep.
Sui: it's true
Phoemeister: I can't believe I'm actually aiding the mom joke
Sui: I couldn't sleep next to her.. she kept hogging all the covers
Phoemeister: and you're like, making it less dirty
Phoemeister: it's like the roles have somehow reversed
Sui: I'm all about keeping you on your toes
Phoemeister: apparently
Sui: or maybe that was knees
Phoemeister: OH, you went back
Sui: haha
Sui: I zig and then I zag

New KS

"Don't read it back to me! I wrote that shit!"

So Optpri couldn't make it after all, but otherwise I had a great time. Polar Express is not exactly going to make it into anyone's top ten greatest movies of all time or anything, but sometimes its nice to watch a kind of goofy movie with someone and make fun of it to each other. And it re-affirmed my love of Tom Hanks. Anyone who's willing to do the voices of an extremely nerdy kid you want to beat up, a magical hobo, and a Santa with a Sean Connery accent all in the same movie is definately a friend in my book. Or he will be my friend, anyway, once he comes to his senses and revokes the restraining order he has against me.

In other news: I hate reading. Or am tired of it, at any rate. Every time I mean to read lately, I end up doing something else. A good percentage of the time the something else isn't even any good. And I DO have a really good book I'm trying to read right now. But... nope. No interest in it whatsoever. I don't know why it's become such a chore, except that I do do it more since I got my job at the bookstore, and I do have this enormous list that keeps getting longer and longer that I feel this pressure to catch up on. D'oh.

Today I got all excited because it was drizzly out and I wanted a chance to test out my new umbrella, but it never got that rainy. I showed it to my parents and they pretended not to think they've spawned a weirdo obsessed with umbrellas. Seriously, though, that thing is badass. I've nicknamed it Shaft, because there's this clear casing (I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to throw it away and use this nylon thing that came with it instead, but I refuse to do this because I like it too much) that says "Fiberglass Shaft" on it in big white letters. I'm not one to nickname inanimate objects, really. I know people who do it, and I've tried, but I've never really cared enough to follow through with it, or even remember what inane nickname I give to things.

But the thing is, I really like to sing the theme song to Shaft while carrying around my umbrella. "He's a complicated umbrella, but no one understands him but his woman! Shaft! Fiberglass Shaft! Shut your mouth!"

Also: as Sista said, after I bought it, "If you break your leg, you can use it as a cane." So it was a very practical buy as well.

Mouse: I told my fiancee that we were watching Polar Express tomorrow, and she got jealous.
Me: She wanted to see Polar Express?
Mouse: No, no, because I'm having another female at my appartment.
Me: Oh. You should tell her Optpri is coming too, now.
Mouse: I'm going to.
Me: And that we're all going to get naked and watch Polar Express together.


Don't you love it when you're at registers, and it's 20 minutes before you leave and you REALLY start having to pee but you figure you should just suck it up and hold it that extra 20 minutes and then whoever is supposed to be at registers after you is held up for 10 minutes and then when you finally win free 5 different customers accost you wanting help and you want to punch them in the face but instead you have to help them all with their stupid problems and then you finally get to the back and you clock out and violently rip your nametag off and shout "I have to go to the bathroom so bad it's not even funny" at your coworkers because they wonder why you're acting so weird and then they laugh at you even though you just said it's not funny?

Anyway, that happened to me at the end of my shift today. And actually, I wasn't mad at Kevin (who was the coworker who observed me sprinting in and wrestling with my nametag lanyard and then laughed when I explained my behavior). After I was done with my #1 and came back, someone called assistance to registers, and he like, "I have to go to the registers so bad it's not even funny" and I had to laugh. I actually haven't worked with him much in awhile and I miss it a little.

Today was alright except I was really tired. I got zero sleep last night. Reason: lady problems.

Tomorrow: day off + P 2 tha E with Mouse & Optpri.

"I'll take any man as long as he doesn't look like the elephant man"

"Except where it counts."

pause for comedic effect

"the heart."


Man.... the fact that my parents are insanely nosy is annoying, but it does help me keep my wheelings and dealings straight.

"Hey, weren't you doing something tomorrow?"
"No, I'm not doing something tomorrow, I'm doing something Monday."
"Monday?"
"Yeah, actually I was doing something with Sista on Monday but then she canceled but then today Mouse asked me if I wanted to hang out on Monday so I'm hanging out with him."
"I thought you were doing something on Wednesday."
"No I'm not."
"I thought it was a movie with Mulva.
"Oh yeah, I AM seeing a movie with him on Wednesday."

Speaking of movies, I'm thinking I'm going to make my upcoming birthday the Birthday of the DVD's. See, my Christmas was "Christmas of the Music," and November was the month of buying a thousand books that I only just finished reading and I have a LONG queue of books I want to read but not to buy right now.* So the only thing I can really think of that I'd want is DVD's. Except I never know what I like that I liked the once but never again or what will end up being a classic I watch over and over.

Anyway, I've been toying around with the idea of getting The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Station Agent, American Beauty, Moonlight Mile, and The Good Girl for a long time, so I might ask for those. Me and You and Everyone We Know (or else You and Me and Everyone We Know?) which I mentioned how awesome it is would also go on the list, except I can't decide whether it's "really great once" or repeatable viewing great. Thirdly: season 3 of Home Movies. But then my mind was blank, for the most part. The only other thing I can even think of is the original star wars movies, but I am not sure. I really have a thing against buying big fancy box sets and that's the only way you can get them. And even though I love them I've seen them so many times already.

Anyone have any other ideas of movies I want but just can't remember? I asked Ryan and he was like, "The Limey," and I had to be all, "Um, I already have it, why else do you think I can constantly have conversations with you where we do nothing BUT quote The Limey?" And he said, "Tell him I'm fuckin' coming!"

Wait..... most of that conversation didn't happen. Also, actually when I wrote that list out I kept thinking of more and more so maybe I don't need to pad out this list as much as I was thinking when I first started.

_______
* Right now I'm reading the new Amy Tan, Saving Fish from Drowning
Lamb -- Christopher Moore, Double Dizzle reccomended
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil -- yeah a ton of books I want to read are because I saw the movie
St Anthony's Miracle/Miracle of St Anthony's -- I always forget which it's called, but it's a reccomend from Ryan, who also recommended me Moneyball which I really liked.
Assasination Vacation -- Sarah Vowell
Alan Alda's biography
Blink
the new novel in this crappy vampire series that I know is crap but read anyway
the new Trudi Canavan
...and the list just grows and grows. Every time I finish one I remember two or three or someone else reccomends something, or something more important comes out.

So last night I dreamed that at work we all had to start making cheese.

Then, the guy who taught us all how to make cheese kidnapped boss-boss and we had to save her.

In other news: I shake my fist at you, fate. The number of people who've canceled social outings with me lately is enormous. I suspect conspiracy.

This is the description of the new Il Divo album that came in my email from the place I work at:

"If IL DIVO had a nickel for every fan they made swoon with their dreamy debut, they'd be rich men. And here's betting they're not exactly living mano to mouth. Their new album, Ancora, brings more poperatic love performed in English, Spanish, and Italian."

Phoemeister: the description of the new Il Divo album makes me laugh my ass off
Mulva: don't, it'll only give them more nickels!
Phoemeister: I said laugh my ass off, not swoon :P
Mulva: they probably have nickels coming to them for asses laughed off also
Mulva: They're il divo, they know the biz
Phoemeister: ah
Phoemeister: true
Phoemeister: also: I am going to use the adjective "poperatic" as much as possible from now on
Mulva: use it while selling Night
Phoemeister: "Night is Eli Wiesel's poperatic new take on the holocaust!"
Mulva: haha "if he had a nickel for every jew slaughtered around him, he'd have still less than he has now that oprah recommended his book!"
Mulva: it's true.
Phoemeister: hey, can you re-send me their description? I deleted it already but I want to post it on my blog now with our hilarious commentary
Mulva: *he pastes the description over to me*
Phoemeister: thanks
Mulva: And the nearly invisible small footnote.... "ooooh! lookit! men! if you buy this album you'll finally own men! get it now, you deranged cat lady!"
Phoemeister: the best part of that is that you're a deranged cat lady trapped in a man's body, and yet you mock your own
Mulva: whoa... i do knit....
Mulva: jk
Mulva: i crochet
Phoemeister: also you're in love with your cat
Phoemeister: and teaching him to use the toilet
Mulva: jealous
Mulva: i'm rubber you're glue
Mulva: when i'm an old lady so are you
Mulva: have a cookie yung'n

Phoemeister: today Jersey came over to ring up some people and I was like, "You should go with him, he's awesome." But then I assured the people who were staying with me that I was awesome too. So then Jersey was like, "Phoemeister, your awesomeness is what makes me awesome in the first place."
Phoemeister: So bottom line: I am hella awesome, and it has been recognized
Mulva: hahahaha
Mulva: And the customers were surely hanging on every word, in a frantic effort to only be checked out by awesome people.

So, today Double Dizzle and I had an awesome conver. Keep in mind he is not British, and I only met him a few months ago when I started this job:

Double Dizzle: That's the song I was telling you about! *referring to music being piped in over speakers*
Me: Eh?
Double Dizzle: I was telling you! Don't you remember?
Me: ...no.
DD: At that picnic we had!
Me: What?
DD: You made the grilled cheese!
Me: Oh yeah, that was great grilled cheese. I remember.
DD: It was a long time ago.
Me: Yeah, I think we were in high school.
DD: No, no, no. You were in high school, but I was on holiday from university.
Me: Oh yeah! I remember. You were British. And you had that British family. And the house in Britain. But you lost it when the dot com bubble burst.
DD: Yeah. I lost the horse too. It died.
Me: Not Billy!?!
DD: No, not Billy. The other one.
Me: Spot?
DD: No, no, no. Stewart.
Me: Stewart? He was the healthiest one!
DD: No he wasn't! He had cancer (he pronounced it "canker" which cracked me up). It was benign.
Me: Benign wouldn't kill him.
DD: I know. He died because I shot him.

In other news, the customers today were awesome. I bonded with this woman who had a gigantic keychain by showing her my gigantic keychain (an oversized novelty penny). I really impressed the socks off of these nerdy D & D guys by slipping in a reference to drow in a casual conversation.

There was also this guy, he wanted to buy something but didn't know if he could afford it with tax, so he had me ring it up.

Me: Stupid tax! Damn the man, always trying to hold us down!
Him: Yeah. 8% of my purchase price? More like 8% of my life!
Me: *laughs* That's great. I'm totally going to steal that joke and pass it off as my own.
Him: That joke is going to sweep the nation.
Me: Yeah, and you're going to be all, "I started that joke!" but no one will believe you.
Him: I'm going to be really bitter about it.

And Sista walked up during this conversation, and after he left she was like, "You were flirting with him!" and I totally had to admit that I was. Come back, 8% of my life joke man. I want you to have my babies.

Last night was awesome too. Sista and I went to Target and she got some ginormous Jackie O. style sunglasses, and I bought a ginormous umbrella. But see, I really do love big umbrellas. I'm not just making this up, it's a thing I have. I don't even know why. So now I finally have one. True story.

Oh, I also wanted to document a discussion I had with Jaws today. First off, we were talking about which one of use would win in a fight, and one of my reasons was that I take things from my environment, such as pens, and use them as instruments of stabbing.

Me: I really did stab a guy with a pen in Jr. High.
Jaws: I did too!
Me: Really? My guy actually got the same amount of detention as I did for provoking me in the first place. He sat in front of me all the time (our last names were close in the alphabet) and would just torture me every day.
Jaws: Mine used to draw on my desk all the time, and I totally warned him. I was like, "______, if you do it one more time, I'll stab you," and I did.

So, _________'s name is not a common one, and I actually did sort of know a guy in high school named that. So it made me curious.

Me: What high school did you go to?
Jaws: Normal West. Why?
Me: I went there too and I totally think I know the guy you stabbed!
Jaws: wow.
Me: Do you know the guy who I stabbed, ______?
Jaws: Actually, I do think I've heard of that guy. Hey, did you know my brother, ____?
Me: Hunh. Maybe. Was he like, obsessed with ferrets?
Jaws: He totally IS!
Me: Oh my gosh! I remember him! He was in my french class. Whenever we had to do a skit he insisted on dressing up as a woman and somehow including ferrets in the dialogue!

So then we ended up discussing other people we both knew, but actually it was only one person, this really weird redneck chick from Kentucky I used to hang out with because I was desperate for friends back then.

Also, another coworker went to high school with my brother-in-law. Small world.

It's okay, we fucked in the parking lot.

I went to another film thing at Mulva's last night, and it was pretty awesometastic. I learned what the best way to improve a conversation about fonts is (to capitalize it), which Power Ranger makes the best Valentine (Red Ranger, because there is a lot of love in those thighs) and that Amish parties are intense (livestock in the living room, loud Amish sex, broken windows, and foam are all involved). I was pretty bummed because I had to leave early so I could go to sleep early like a total loser because I had to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning.

The actual film we saw was Me and You and Everyone We Know and it totally rocked. It kind of reminds me of Amelie and Napoleon Dynamite at the same time. I don't want to exactly compare it to Napoleon Dynamite, because that carries a lot of baggage. What I want to say is that it's like Napoleon in that it's full of quirky characters and the plot doesn't really go anywhere but you're okay with it. I want to say it's not like Napoleon Dynamite because most of the people in this film you could probably actually stand hanging out with if they were real people, whereas if I had to hang out with Napoleon or Kip or Uncle Rico or even Pedro a day or more I'm pretty sure I would end up stabbing him to death. Anyway, I loved it. I highly reccomend it. Especially to you Ryan. If you go see this, maybe I'll watch Pi someday. Maybe.

Today was kind of meh. I guess I was kind of tired and crabby, because two different customers complained about me today, which kind of pisses me off. The first one, basically asked me if an order they made would come in today, and I said I doubted it, and there was this big pause so I eventually was like, "I'm sorry." And then the lady hung up on me and her husband called back and told Mouse I had been mean and said I couldn't help her or something. The other one, I couldn't find something for her, and she found it and told me where it was and I was like, "Okay, thanks," and apparently I didn't get excited enough about it because she went and told Mulva how horrible and snotty I am. Anyway it freaks me out that these people I thought I was perfectly polite to are mad enough about it to go around telling coworkers and supervisors what a bitch I am. If it was just the once I would've brushed it off, but apparently I'm doing something that puts people off, which is not good.

Anyway, today will end well at least, Sista and I have plans to hang out tonight. It's actually been awhile, we haven't really done much since that night we went to Barnes and Noble. AND, we already have plans to hang out on Monday, she's going to show me the sights of Springfield, from whence she hails. Good times.

Sub, dudes?

So they're trying to make us reccomend stuff to customers more. I hate it, because no one likes what I like, and the few times I feel qualified to reccomend (i.e. the person is getting a book and based on that I genuinely think they'd like another book as well), no one takes my advice. And when it's not something I know/like, I feel like I'm coming on like a snake salesman.

Anyway, I DO think I am pretty good at being creative with it though. Today someone got a guidebook on Hawaii, and it's not like I'm going to be all, "Oh, Frommer's is better!" or anything. So I TOTALLY suggested Hawaiian music, and even went so far as singing a little bit of "Tiny Bubbles" to her. Tell me that is not ace salesmanship.


Phoemeister: when it comes to being a phony, I rock especially hard
Phoemeister: "I do think your band will make it big"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: "that outfit DOESN'T make you look fat."
Phoemeister: "that happens to everyone."
Sui: "it really is a good size"
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: "I heard that's a good thing in India."


Phoemeister: the next time someone buys a nicholas sparks book, I'm totally going to tell them how great pimps up hos down is
Phoemeister: or the next Narnia buyer
Sui: You can recommend the "brokeback mountain erotic picture book"
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: I don't think there is such a thing. I'll have to take a copy of brokeback mountain and draw in the pictures myself.
Sui: haha
Sui: that's disturbing in its own right
Phoemeister: well that's what I was going for
Phoemeister: I rock disturbing almost as much as phony

Just to let those of you who are my coworkers that read this know: today I put one of the clipboards down my pants, and NONE OF YOU KNOW WHICH ONE IT IS.

Seriously, though: the morning shift became fun again today since I got a reprieve yesterday. Before that, I totally wanted to die from lack of sleep. Friday I alpha'd all day, which is pretty painful, but I actually kind of liked it because it meant I would not have to interact with any human beings in my tired state. When I'm really tired, I'm psychotic. I can't even think rationally and I flip out at the slightest thing.

Also, today I made a little Employee of the Month award for TII today, and I think it's one of my best (Okay, I've only made two others, one for Double Dizzle that was pretty much a snowflake I cut out, and one for Mouse where I list out bizarre reasons why he won the award). Anyway, people liked the one I made for Mouse so much that I continued in that vein, which I know will have TII mock-outraged but he'll secretly love it.

First off, I made it pink, because one day I said he was my peep and he said, "like those yellow things?" and I quipped back ever so cleverly, "No, you're one of the pink ones." Second off, I managed to work in a Monkey Island reference (I said that he used to wrestle in mexico under the psuedonym "El Pollo Diablo.") I also managed a Star Trek reference (I said that he bleeds green like a Vulcan). So hopefully it's nerdy enough. I am also sure he will be confused and frightened by "giggles when you push his tummy." Basically, it's the best one I've done yet, which I've already said but you need to know!

also, new KS

Oh, also, I forgot, there was another conver I wanted to post from the day I posted all those convers that made me laugh:

Me: Hardee's is horrible.
No Pulp: It's actually better than it was. It's changed a lot.
Me: Yeah, I know, they have all those disgusting huge hamburgers and stuff now.
NP: It's not so bad if you go in there and get the smallest one they have.
Me: Don't you ever feel emasculated going into Hardee's and getting their smallest burger?
NP: I do now.

FACT: I have pretty much given up on pretending I'm not a perv.

Sui: Makes me wonder if you could just consciously do it
Sui: like.. tap into some crazy subconscious thing.. through meditation or something and make yourself have an orgasm
Phoemeister: lol.... I can see that you totally just want to spend the rest of your life learning how to do that now
Sui: Wouldn't you?!
Phoemeister: I dunno. How long would it take and how good would the mental masturbation be?
Sui: pretty damn good if you can just think "man I want to have an orgasm now" and then you do
Phoemeister: well what if you had to spend ten hours working up to one each time
Phoemeister: and then it only lasted like 5 seconds
Sui: hmm it would have ot be pretty good
Sui: unless it was to just like.. impress people
Sui: "want to see me jerk myself off with my mind?"
Sui: "no way you can do that"
Sui: "oh yeah? watch this!"
Phoemeister: you could probably fake it without them knowing
Sui: A guy couldn't though
Sui: I'd have to bet it' spretty hard to fake an ejaculation
Phoemeister: you could work up an elaborate system involving tubing
Sui: that's way too much work
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: anyway, people wouldn't be that impressed
Phoemeister: they'd either want you to teach them, which you couldn't
Phoemeister: or be like, "gross."
Sui: haha yeah
Sui: there's not much grey area there
Sui: either "wow that's amazing" or "ew what the hell you just came all over the place"
Phoemeister: maybe you could be like a magician
Phoemeister: everyone knows it's not real magic
Phoemeister: but they're still impressed
Phoemeister: "how did he do that?"
Suibrom: yeah.. imagine their surprise when I pull that out of my hat
Phoemeister: "it's my penis!"
Sui: tada!
Phoemeister: "what's shooting out of that man's rabbit, mommy?"
Suibrom: it would have to be like a ghallager show
Sui: where the first row has those big plastic sheets to cover themselves
Phoemeister: dude
Phoemeister: that would be way funnier than gallagher
Sui: especially if the show was called "Haha I just came on you"
Phoemeister: especially if the guests thought they were going to be seeing Oprah
Sui: it's the semen premier!
Phoemeister: that was a horrible pun :P
Sui: and you loved it
Phoemeister: ...I did
Phoemeister: oh, I totally mentioned gallagher to these teenage boys a couple weeks ago and none of them knew who he was
Sui: yeah he's pretty old school
Phoemeister: Like, the one kid was doing something stupid that made his friends laughed, and I told him he was the next gallagher (which my coworkers found funny because everyone knows gallagher sucks) and he did not get it.
Sui: gallagher is like carrot top with a big hammer
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: if possible he even sucked more than carrot top
Phoemeister: at least carrot top was trying to be funny
Sui: any amount of suckage worse than carrot top was redemed with destroying things with a big hammer
Phoemeister: I don't think anyone who smashes a watermelon is really going for "funny."
Sui: yeah it may not be funny
Sui: but it makes up for his lack of ability ot be funny with "wow he just smashed a freaking cow on a stool"
Phoemeister: did he ever do that to a cow?
Phoemeister: wouldn't peta be up his ass?
Sui: I don't think so
Sui: but that was the most outlandish thing i could think of that you could smash on a stage
Phoemeister: cows are pretty common
Phoemeister: what about a chinchilla?
Sui: any animal would have been pretty weird.. but once you start going down that slope.. you get too creative to be funny
Phoemeister: ah
Suibrom: like.. "OMG GALLAGHER SMASHED A DINOSAUR WHO WAS EATING A POPSICLE WHILE DRIVING A ROCKET SHIP"

Phoemeister: what is a viking accent anyway?
Mulva: I dunno, I think it involves grunts and raping the listener.

MYTH: Phoemeisters can breathe in syrup.

So, one of the things I like best about having a blog is recording interesting conversations for posterity (or.. reading them again sometime after I've forgotten about them).

Anyway, what annoys me is that at work I have a ton of great convers but I always forget them by the time I get home. So today, I made a special effort to remember. They're still kind of badly paraphrased, and not near as good without being able to hear the delivery, but this is what I got. Anyway, from this sample, I think you can see why I love where I work, and the people I work with.

Double Dizzle: You have a secret thing for Yo Yo Ma. You're hot for him! Admit it!
Me: Yes. Yes I do. I like to take home all his CD's and make out with the picture of him on them. Don't tell anyone.
Double Dizzle: I won't. I don't judge. I do the same thing with medieval babes.
Me: How very Bill & Ted of you.

Then, later, it was explained to me that he was referring to a band called Medieval Baebs. He got very outraged, saying, "It's not like I secretly love 15th century women and felt the need to confess it to you right then."

Then I was talking to No Pulp* about the whole situation:

Me: So I bet Bill & Ted would've liked the band Medieval Baebs.
No Pulp: Uh, no. They're like, classical.
Me: Hey! There's room for all! Medieval Baebs could've coexisted peacefully with Wyld Stallions.
No Pulp: You seriously remember the name of the band from Bill & Ted off the top of your head?
Me: It's burned into my brain.

Also, over lunch, No Pulp and I discussed bathroom breaks.

Me: Yeah, I hate how you have to let like, 8 people know before you can use the bathroom. I've just started coming up with new and interesting ways to say it, like that I have to use the little booksellers room.
No Pulp: I'm going to start playing it nice and cool. "Hey, I've got to take a GIANT CRAP." (that one I laughed so hard lemonade went up my nose, though a lot of it was in his delivery)

Also during lunch:

No Pulp: What are you eating?
Me: noodles
No Pulp: is there anything on them?
Me: butter and something called "nature's seasonings"
Double Dizzle: "nature's seasonings"? What is that, dirt?
Me: no.
No Pulp: What is it, then?
Me: Well it's made by the same people who make salt, and--
Double Dizzle: It's "made" like salt? It really IS dirt, isn't it?
Me: I meant processed by, not made
Double Dizzle: Phoemeister eats dirt!

At one point during the day, I got to give my best comeback ever, though actually I had not been insulted to begin with. Preemptive comebacks rock.

Mouse: this costs only a dollar!
Me: your mom only costs a dollar!

One featuring Sista:

Sista: so.... "the purpose driven church" isn't that bad. I actually kind of liked it. It would be a good book if the church didn't suck and stuff.
Me: Yeah, you should make that your staff pick and write "this would be a pretty good book if the church didn't suck and stuff." under it.
Sista: I think I still have that book somewhere. Don't judge me for all the horrible books I have!
Me: I won't. I have lots of horrible promo books lying around my room. I STILL have "What a Sista Should Do."
Sista: Don't down that book! That book brought us together!

one featuring Mouse:

Mouse: don't you remember my Narnia pun?
Me: Uh, no... I don't think so.
Mouse: Really, because I totally busted it out at morning meeting and I think you were there.
Me: No, I really don't remember.
Mouse: Okay. Ask me if I'm going to see the Chronicles of Narnia.
Me: Are you going to see the Chronicles of Narnia?
Mouse: Narnia business!

One featuring Elaine RE: El Camino:

Me: *drops some stuff*
Elaine: Man, I'm going to start calling you El Camino.
Me: Why?
Elaine: El Camino is always dropping things.
Me: Really? I've never noticed him doing it.
Elaine: Well he does. And it's HILARIOUS.
Me: Wow, you're such a compassionate leader, Elaine.
Elaine: Nah, I'm more of a "point and laugh" kind of leader.

One on moral values and ethics:

Me: Man. I hate Anne Geddes. I mean, really hate her. If I saw her walking down the street, I'd punch her in the face that's how much I hate her.
No Pulp: Do you even know what she looks like?
Me: No. Maybe I'll just start punching random women on the street.
No Pulp: You know she drugs those children to sit still.
Sista: She's totally a child abuser. And now she's teamed up with Celine Dion! I can't tell which is worse.
Me: Anne Geddes annoys me more than Celine Dion.
Sista: No, I didn't mean I couldn't tell whether Anne Geddes was worse than Celine Dion, I meant I couldn't tell whether child abuse or Celine Dion is worse.
Me; Maybe Celine Dion IS a child abuser.
Sista: She has her own baby!
No Pulp: Maybe she did it so she could have her own child to abuse.
Me: Yeah, the commute on her way to baby abusing just got to be too much.

I can't remember the beginning of this conversation, but Mouse had said something to the effect that I was a ho, and then said:

Mouse: I could get fired for saying that.
Me: You could get fired for saying that.
Mouse: That's what I just said!
Me: Oh. I thought you said that I could be fired for that.
Mouse: for what?
Me: For whoring around.

Anyways, I am tired. I love the early shift but no matter how early I go to bed, I don't fall asleep till late, so I am getting tireder and tireder every day of this. Only one more to go, though.

____
* today at lunch we were also discussing orange juice, and he is firmly in the no pulp camp.

Fact: she's so fine, there's no telling where the money went.

Sui: so what're you up to today?
Phoemeister: I sold a guy a copy of brokeback mountain, esquire, and a king james bible
Sui: hahah
Sui: talk about confused
Phoemeister: I know. At first, I rang up brokeback mountain, and was like, in my head, "Yeah, he does look kind of gay." Then I saw esquire and was like, "I shouldn't have stereotyped him. I guess he's a straight guy that just happens to like reading stories about gay guys." And then when I saw the bible, my brain broke
Sui: haha yeah
Sui: I think that's like.. instant embolism
Phoemeister: it was
Phoemeister: I'm talking to you from beyond the grave
Phoemeister: avenge my death
Phoemeister: you'll know his car because it'll have a rainbow sticker, a jesus fish, and naked lady mudflaps
Sui: maybe the magazine is to attempt to prove he's straight to the people that come to his house.. the novel is to fulfil his gay fantasties, and the bible is to attempt to repent
Phoemeister: I think that makes a lot of sense

Anyway, work was alright today. The only thing is when I work the early shift I get not that much sleep and get tireder and tireder. Yesterday I hung out with my high school friend, we had good times making fun of the costume Jewelry at Gordman's. It was all so huge and obviously fake. I want to buy it and make a whole bunch of people kiss my hands.

Also: regarding this weird high pitched laugh I have developed lately, she says, "It's a fake laugh to go with your fake fun!" Because I said I love the covers of Il Divo albums because they are always having fake fun. True story.

New KS.

So, there's two snowmen on a snowy plain. One says to the other: "Do you smell carrots?"



Work today was pretty good, even though I was tired because I had trouble getting to sleep last night, and then had to get up so early. I also have to say: I'm beginning to love the inventory team more and more lately. They're kind of a clique unto themselves, but I'm beginning to be less intimidated. Today and yesterday Double Dizzle* has been cracking me up. First off, he's taught me how to fight back. Basically, this entails saying, "You know what? Fuck you!" to people when I can't come up with a comeback. I think this is going to be my new phrase. It'll probably wear on many people's nerves but you know what? Fuck you!

Also, he kind of reminds me of Ryan.

Phoemeister: oh, I forgot to mention to you today I was talking to this guy at work, and he said something so much lik eyou that I wanted to be like, "Ryan?"
Phoemeister: basically we were talking about this really old bitchy woman we used to work with
Phoemeister: and just out of nowhere he's like, "I think sleeping with her was a mistake"
Sui: hahah
Sui: brilliant
Phoemeister: and then he said something like, "the alcohol affected our judgement." And I said that he would have to be reeeally drunk, and he said, "No not really. If I wasn't married, I totally WOULD do it just so that the next day I could come in and embarass her and be all, "I tapped that!""
Phoemeister: good times
Sui: I would say something like that
Phoemeister: you would! That's why I told you.

Phoemeister: You know how annoying it is when people say literally when they don't mean something literally?
Sui: yeah
Phoemeister: I've decided I'm going to do the opposite and start saying literally in sentences where there's no possible interpretation BUT the literal interpretation
Phoemeister: I literally live with my parents!
Phoemeister: I'm literally 5'6"
Sui: hahah
Sui: nice
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: I am literally sitting here talking to you
Phoemeister: OH MY GOD, I'm literally doing the exact same thing!
____
* I just love making up asinine nicknames for people on my blog.

FACT: my car smells strongly of french fries. Or as I like to call them, "freedom fries."

Like, before the thing last night, I started feeling horrible. I started getting a migraine and nausea and the whole bit. But the one nice thing is about my migraines: if I take some drugs right away and lay down somewhere dark, I can kind of nip them in the bud and I feel better suprisingly quickly.

So I'm laying down in my room, and my mom's like, "Do you want anything from Steak 'n' Shake?" because apparently my Dad was getting carryout. And fries actually sound nice, like maybe they'd settle my stomach. So I was like, "As long as he gets back by 6, that's when I am leaving." So I lay around more, and my dad hasn't come and I look at the clock, and I'm 10 minutes late. So I get up, and actually feel fine by then, and am like, "I have to go." And my mom's like, "no! no! Your Dad's bringing you fries!" And I said, "No! I have to go! It's not a regular party, we're watching a movie!" Which, it turns out I could've been late, but still, it's the principle of the thing. So my Dad comes back right when I'm leaving, and they make me take the fries with me so I can eat them in the car, as opposed to saving them for me to heat up later.

So I eat a couple of the fries in the car, but they're salty and though I do have water in my car, I don't want to try and be juggling three things while I'm trying to drive somewhere. I get there, think of bringing the fries in, but by then they are ice cold (15 minute drive from Steak 'n' Shake to my house, half hour drive from my house to the party, though maybe less since I was speeding to make up for my late departure). So... I leave the fries in my car. But when I get home I can't take them inside to heat up later, because my parents will be all, "WHY DIDN'T YOU EAT THE FRIES?" So... I just have these fries in my car. And I am going to have to keep them in my car until I find a suitable place to throw them away.

True story.

Anyway: actual party = good. There WAS cheese, and I did learn the ways of a board game called "Apples to Apples." It was a little weird because I didn't know that many people, but they seemed to like me alright. The movie, Tampopo: not as good on a second viewing, because I knew all the funny bits already. I always forget that a comedy is usually worst the second time you watch it because you already know all the sight gags and non sequitur/absurd bits already. But then, some of them if I watch a third or fourth time I begin to like again (though not as much as the first time) because I feel like I know the characters by then or something and it's like, "Yeah, that's classic _____! He's always doing crazy shit like that!"

Oh, I also just wanted to say: living in a smallish town is crazy. I have a thousand encounters a day with people I knew once. Today I saw this lady from this pool league my dad and I used to play in (my dad still does, I quit). AND I saw this guy who used to stalk my best friend in high school (Note: if you're reading this, Mulva, he's the guy who you were trying to help find the TV theme song CD, and I wanted to tell you at the time and also mention that he buys a disturbing number of Bette Midler CD's, but I had things to do right then).

Yesterday my dental hygienist who has been my dental hygienist since I first got teeth was in. Except that was actually pretty cool (a lot of the other encounters have started to annoy me because I hate making small talk with people I barely know/knew), because she is awesome and we know each other fairly well. El Camino was all excited too, because he got to give her his health professional promotional flyer/coupons.