Wow. If yesterday was great, today was GRRRRRRREAT! as Tony the Tiger would say.

1) Someone bought my favorite movie ever, Pleasantville. Pleasantville is not arty enough for arty people, and not normal enough for normal people, so it's not very popular in any circle, but I love it with all my heart. The people were probably frightened at the response I gave them, but I had to let them know how awesome I thought they were, even if, as I suspected, they were getting it because it's cheap not because it's their end all be all.

2) I think I fell in love with yet another customer (I'm always doing this.) Mulva showed me this Shea butter stuff we have that was totally mangled, and was all, "Who did this to the Shee butter!" and I'm like, "Uh, it's called Shay butter!" with this air of arrogance, the exact same time this guy customer said that. I don't know why, but that really tickled me.

3) I think teenage boys love me. Because I've noticed that of all the people I ring up at reg, they're the ones that take the most to my sarcastic brand of, "Are you sure you don't want the new Kenny Loggins CD?" kind of humor. Today these three high school boys that looked like they listen to Blink 182 got this Blink 182 CD, and totally helped me peer pressure one of their own to get free email coupons from the store.

4) I have apparently become the most clever person in the store, however briefly. This guy called up and wanted to put Lord of the Dance on hold. Just as an offhand comment, Mulva was like, "You should put Lord of the Flies on hold instead." But I was like, "You know those reccomends we have to do?*" and get a devious look on my face. Then I went and actually put Lord of the Flies on hold with Lord of the Dance. It was pretty funny, and I enjoyed the absurdity level, but like... Mulva thought it was hysterical. Seriously, I thought he was going to have a seizure and die. He couldn't stop laughing, and we're both up at registers laughing our heads off, and trying to explain to customers what's so funny/why we have the giggles. I didn't think it was THAT funny, and I could get myself under control, but then he'd just start laughing and it would make me do it too. Then he starts telling Sista about it, and can't even get out what happened he's laughing so hard, and finally takes a break (going to the back room and laughing his head off for several minutes) to compose himself, and we're good. But then he starts telling Hootie about it... I had to like, go elsewhere so he wouldn't start me up again. Then, later, Jersey just randomly walks up to me and tells me I'm awesome, citing the Lord of the Dance/Flies thing as the reason. And I'm like, wondering how he even knows, seeing as how he's stuck all the way out in the cafe. I'm thinking word of mouth must be spreading this like crazy (though later Sista told me she told Jersey).

Then, right before I leave for the night, the guy actually comes to pick up his hold. I was afraid the whole time that like, if Mulva had to check the guy out, he'd have a spasm and horribly offend the customer, but he just explained the whole thing to the customer, who thought it was funny too and all was good.

5) Sista and I went out to dinner. We had actually planned to see Rent, but it's not in theaters anymore. Then we were like, "Let's go see Brokeback Mountain!" but our stupid conservative theaters around here didn't have it, those sons a bitches! It made me mad. I was looking forward to that the whole day. I seriously was.

Then, to make matters worse, in the last couple weeks I've seen nearly every film in theaters that's worth seeing, so there was nothing else. We drove to all the theaters (and the greatest part is on the way to the Palace, I ended up like, 2 miles from some town called Merna and we were all sure that some scene from Deliverance was going to play out with us as the hapless victims. Then, on the way BACK from the Palace, we ended up in Towanda. Sista kept saying, "We're in Towanda! How did you get us so lost?" and I was like, "We're not in Towanda! Towanda's like, by Peoria!" only we really WERE in Towanda).

So instead of giving in and seeing one of the crappy movies, we were like, "We have to go somewhere to hang out." And we thought of coffee places, and the first thing we thought of was The Coffee House which is this stupid crappy coffee place in downtown Normal, and we decided against it, and then we were like "Starbucks?" and turned it down. Then we looked at each other and were like..... "BARNES & NOBLE! Yeah! Fuck yeah! Barnes and Noble!" So, like total traitors, we went to B&N. It was AWESOME. I forgot how much I love it there. Plus, even though I love my coworkers, it's nice to go to some place where no one knows you to look at books without wondering whoss watching.

We had drinks in the cafe (I had my first Chai in a long time and it was delicious). We looked through magazines (I got Cannibis Culture, which is even more boring than High Times, plus I'd seen all the funny ads before) and Sista looked for Heeb, this Jewish magazine, but couldn't find it and ended up with some pop culture mag. In line to get our drinks, we were actually caught cheating on our store by this woman who apparently works with both stores providing stuff for the cafe or something, and she totally caught us. AND she was a professor I had at ISU for music appreciation class. Very small world.

Anyway, and this is pretty hilarious: we had to leave the cafe. Not because we were caught out, but there was another familiar face: Metalhead Eddie. He's this drugged up dude that we all hate at the store, and I guess he must frequent B & N too, because he just walks into the cafe. I saw him first, and I'm like, "Sista! Behind you!" and she's like What? I'm like, "Look! Look!" and she's like.... "It's Metalhead Eddie, isn't it!" and I'm like, "Yes! Yes! It is!" and she's like, "You're joking!" but it was true. So we made our escape from the cafe into the bookshelves.

We had looking through some books, especially the Postsecret book, which they actually have, unlike the deadbeats at our store, which I can't even order it from anymore. Actually, I think there are a lot of books they had that we don't have, and Sista was like, "I'm totally going to use one of these as my reccomend next time!"

I think the B & N staff realized we were employees from a competing store, because I'm not too quiet OR subtle, but they didn't harass us, which was pretty nice. Because I'm pretty sure if any B & N employees tried to come into OUR store and start shit, I'd be pretty irritated.

Anyway, it was great, one of the best nights of my entire life, and I'm glad we didn't just settle for going to some crappy movie because we couldn't get into the one we actually wanted, like I frequently do with some of my other friends. I way prefer doing stupid shit to watching it.

____
* If someone puts something on hold, we're supposed to get something similar that we think they'd like and put it on hold too.

Wow. Today was great. I was beginning to think I was burnt out on my job, even though I knew a lot of it was probably the christmas craziness talking, but I actually had fun tonight and know that the job is not only liveable, but loveable once more.

I closed, which, how good it is entirely depends on the people you're with, and (for me) what section of the store I'm fixing up. Tonight I did get the sections I like (music and kids) and got to work with Elaine, Mouse, Jersey*, and one of the holiday people I've not come up with a name for who I hadn't really warmed up to until now, but I decided I liked her today. And before all the closing stuff I got to do merch, which I think nearly everyone (me included) prefers to customer service or register.

Mouse was particularly fun, I don't think we've had a shift together where one or the other of us wasn't stuck up at register in awhile, and we haven't closed in even longer. He was all making fun of me for spilling water on myself, pointing out that the staff mugs we have to drink from are pretty much sippy cups, and I still managed to spill on myself. But then he took a sip of his water and accidently inhaled it, and I was like, "Ha ha! You just spilled water in your lungs!" I also (I can't remember how this happened) invented a street persona for him, where I'm part of his posse and just say "word" whenever he tells people something. I told him, though, I wouldn't be much use in a fight as I'd be the one down on the ground in the fetal position shouting, "not the face! not the face!" Also: I lent him my Nada Surf CD, so for that he's going to burn me something of his!

Then he and I and Jersey got to discussing what the deal is with the plethora of Kenny Loggins performance DVD's we have at the store, wondering who would think he's such a great performer that you'd actually need to watch him perform on a DVD. And then I mentioned to them how I tried to get this woman to buy a Kenny Loggins CD once, and from there mentioned that 8 year old I tried to sell Dookie too. To my eternal gratitude, both Mouse and Jersey agreed with me that Dookie definately IS the best Green Day album, and Mouse told me he actually HAD managed to convince some kid to get it, and Jersey and I were like, "Rock on!"

Good times.
___
* Jersey is the new guy at the cafe, thus dubbed so because he was telling me tonight that he's from Jersey and apologizing for being SUCH a stereotypical Jersey guy that he has an intense and undying love for Bruce Springsteen.

Phoemeister: guess what?
Phoemeister: one of my newer coworkers I talked more to today, and I found out he's from Jersey and totally loves the Boss
Phoemeister: and it made me think of you
Phoemeister: true story
NYC: sweet
NYC: where about in jersey?
Phoemeister: I didn't ask specifics
NYC: gez, woman
Phoemeister: I'll have to quiz him next time
Phoemeister: "Do you know NYC?"
NYC: haha, not quite
NYC: but i could very well know the area he is from
Phoemeister: "Don't all you people know each other?"
Phoemeister: "You probably met at a Springsteen concert"
NYC: how did he end up out there?
Phoemeister: I dunno
Phoemeister: I didn't get the time to ask
NYC: did you get anything other than he's from jersey?
Phoemeister: well I helped him plan his prom
Phoemeister: (there were these magazines that were like, "Plan your prom!" for teenage girls and I was all, "Jersey! It's those prom magazines you've been waiting for!")
NYC: well if you need cool jersey things to mention to sound cool, just let me know
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: like what?
Phoemeister: Kevin Smith?
Phoemeister: Bon Jovi?
Phoemeister: Springsteen's the only thing you guys have going for you :P
Phoemeister: wait, Kevin Smith is good too
Phoemeister: but I meant to imply that Bon Jovi is not
Phoemeister: There's this Bon Jovi box set out called 1 million Bon Jovi Fans can't be wrong, and I held it up to my coworker Kevin the other day, and he was like, "yes they can!" And I pretty much agree with that.
NYCs: no need to hate on bon jovi
Phoemeister: yes
Phoemeister: yes there is :P

Today was more normal. I did a whole lot o' shelving and then paid my dues behind the cash register.

In other news: I got this oragami a day calendar for half price at the store a few days ago. I don't need a calendar, as I already have the weird pig one, I wanted it for the love of the oragami. But it really sucks. Because the instructions are actually on the paper you fold, so if you ever want to make anything again... you have to find whatever oragami thing you made with that sheet of paper, and then unfold it. Then, you have no way of making whatever it was back without unraveling another oragami, and it all falls down like dominoes. Also: the white part of anything you make has writing all over it. Also: it's like the dumbest possible things. Like, what the hell is a Happi coat? (answer: I stared at my finished happi coat long enough to decide it's the top half of that crazy outfit samurai wear that makes them look like they're wearing 80's women's shoulder pads. The average person, without a semester of Japanese film class like I do, would have no idea whatsoever. And the Happi coat is like.. at least resembles something. Some of them are these BS things that don't look like what they're supposed to).

But I still feel like I have to make the oragami to get the money out of the damn calendar. But I complain the whole time about it, and refuse to draw on the ones they want you to draw on (drawing's cheating!), and make fun of the irony of the helmet and pencil being made out of paper. Also, now I have all this damn oragami sitting around.

In short: I need a life.

Phoemeister: you know, we talk about masturbation quite a bit
Phoemeister: because I was thinking of posting part of this conver
Phoemeister: and I realized that the last conver I posted had us talking about masturbation
Sui: haha that might give people the wrong impression
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: or the right impression
Sui: haha

So, you have to love a work environment that gives rise to conversations like this:

Jaws*: I think boss-boss hates me the most. She was giving me the stink-eye yesterday.
Me: Yeah, well she took me aside for "a little talk" yesterday.
Optpri: Yeah, well she once arranged a meeting in her office to discuss "why I don't like her."
Jaws: I arranged a meeting with her in her office once to discuss why she doesn't like me.
Me & Optpri: You are so awesome.

I think it really is true, what Sista said about how the store is like, this reality show where we're going to slowly be whittled down and are always on edge about who's going to be the next to go at any one time. I don't understand why boss-boss dislikes so many of us, when she's the one who hired us all in the first place.

In other news: we thought it would slow down a little because everyone had to go back to work today, but it didn't. Thankfully I had another 6 a.m., so I got away with not having to deal with people for a few minutes. I did not get most of my work done, though. There are these four displays that I usually get done with just about when the store opens, but due to paper errors and everything being backed up since Supertramp is gone, I had to re do it. And it took me the entire rest of the day, because every two minutes a customer would need help, and then before I could even get back from helping that person, another person would need help. And the registers kept getting backed up and I helped with that.

In other other news: I know I have only myself to blame (buying and listening to an album of cartoon theme song covers) but I woke up with the theme song to Scooby Doo in my head. I scare even myself.

Random weirdness: It's like 60 outside or something. I'm not even making this up. I drove home with my windows down and Nada Surf blasting out for all to hear.

_____
* I've dubbed her Jaws because she recently got this kickass mohawk (I love mohawks. I've always wanted to be brave enough to get one myself, only I know I'd look like an ass because I don't have any piercings or dress outlandish in any way, so I'd look like a stupid normal person who lost a bet--anyway, it works on her) and when she's in the middle of a bunch of bookshelves, I see just the mohawk sticking up, and I tell her it looks like a shark fin and do the Jaws theme music as she approaches. And yes, I've decided to continue with the ludicrous code name system, just to amuse myself, if for no other reason.

Sista: i am going to go eat ice cream and watch soap opera re runs
Sista: you didn't know i had these bad habits but i do
Sista: soap operas make the alcoholism look pale in comparision i know

Hot damn, I've missed the 6 a.m. shift. It was so good today, even though the only merch I did was pretty much just sticking a bunch of stickers on things and almost breaking my fool neck trying to put a couple of signs up. The hours without customers were a relief. And the early hours when we were open, but not many customers were there yet: also awesome. It's funny, I kind of remember back when I wished there would be more customers, because registers and customer service can be kind of boring when there's not enough. Now I long for it. But things should be settling down. And the fact that I have two more 6 a.m.'s this week should also bring some relief.

I brought in my application for the supervisor job, and left it in boss-boss's mailbox, and am now having my usual paranoid worries that she won't see it or something. But I would rather worry than actually tell her I turned in an application and then have to have a conversation about it. If I get the job, that's good, and if I don't, that's too bad, but if I don't get it, I'd rather just not know why rather than have someone tell me that I suck, and they only keep me around because I'm the entertaining sort of spaz.

Speaking of work: I should probably give up the code names now that no less than three people from the store know where my blog is now. Four, probably, since one of them dates someone else who works there. But I like most of the names I've come up with too much. I even actually thought up two more lately, though they're not for people that really come up that much. I like how a lot of them have my own little dorky story/history related with them.

Oh, I have another work related thing before I get onto how my Christmas was. There's this regular customer who totally saw me at Noodles a couple days ago and waved at me from across the room. It creeped me out. Then today he was all talking to me. He hadn't before, I guess he thought acknowledging me in public means we're friends.

My Christmas was pretty good, I think a lot of the best parts were probably because of my nephew. When there's a little kid around, it kind of helps you remember how exciting it used to be. And since he's SO little, he of course was jazzed by everything he got, and, of course, the wrapping paper, boxes things came in, etc. But he's old enough to realize something's going on, he'd say "ooooooh" whenever we opened things, which was really cute. And we'd give him a present, and be like, "give this to _____" and he'd actually run over to the person with the package.

As for the giftage:

I got a number of CD's, I go into more detail on Karaoke Supernova. But they were all exactly what I asked for, and I already especially like the Nada Surf and Sufjan Stevens albums. I complain about how scripted my family's gift giving is, how everyone has meticulously thought out, typed up lists submitted months beforehand... but the obvious up side is you really do get what you want that way.

A little cash.

Giftcards to Gordman's and Best Buy.

A giftcard for McDonald's and a cannister of Necco wafers from my grandpa and his girlfriend. Which, I've actually (I'm a horrible person) kind of mocked these gifts to people because I just think it's an odd combination. And they're both obviously not "cool" gifts. But I LOVE them. The McDonald's card reminded me of how when we were little, my grandparents would give my sister and I those little booklets of McDonald's gift certificates they used to have, and the cute little ornaments they used to come with (which my sister and I would always fight over whichever one we both liked best), many of which I still have. Plus there's a McDonald's near the store I go to fairly frequently at lunch. The Necco wafers I loved too. For anyone who doesn't know what those are, they're pretty similar to that candy they sell around valentine's day with the little messages on them, only wafer shape instead of heart shape. I used to eat them a little bit when I was little, and had thought they were discontinued, but not that long ago I kind of rediscovered them and realized I had a freakish love of them. Anyway, the last time my grandpa and his girlfriend visited, I had bought a roll of them and was telling them how excited I was when I found out they still had them. I thought it was really sweet and thoughtful of them to remember that and give those to me.

Candles. Yeah, I've never been much of a candle person, but if you're a girl, and people don't know what to get you, they get you candles and smelly bath & body products. The hilarious bit is my mom actually bought them at the store I work at, and more than once in the past have I mocked this exact set of candles to my fellow coworkers for being particularly noxious. I mean, one's Frankinsense (sp?)! I'm pretty sure the only thing that's good for is rubbing on dead bodies and giving to baby Jesus. So I guess I'm good for presents on the second coming, if the Lord doesn't mind re-gifting.

Pig calendar. Every year my mom gets me a calendar, and I think she does pretty well most years. I got penguins last year, and I love penguins, and I was able to use the calendar to prove to new penguin groupies from March of the Penguins that I was into penguins way before they were. This year though, she got me this one of pigs dressed in various outfits, and I have to say that's kind of dropping the ball. I regard pictures of animals in goofy costumes only slightly less nauseating than Anne Geddes pictures, and you know from various Anne Geddes rants I've posted here over the years: that's pretty nauseating. Weirdly though: the picture in April, of the pig wearing the beret: really does tickle me. I like to imagine that the little couchon is french, and I imagine him saying pig things to me in the french accent. It's more understated and conceptual than the pig wearing the ballet tutu, or the not one, but two pictures of pigs in boxes.

Which: btw, I realize it's horrible to complain about gifts, but eh. It's a calendar of pigs wearing outfits! And I admitted usually my mom does good on calendars, and that the beret pig was almost good enough to make up for the rest.

On a good note: she got me something else from the store, a little book called The Book of Secrets, and it was one of the surprises I was more fond of. It hurts my brain to read for very long at a time, but it's got a lot of interesting little-known facts and trivia, like a list of famous stonemasons (with some of the obvious ones, like founding fathers, and just plain random ones, like Colonel Sanders) or how an atomic bomb works (though actually I knew that. the laws of physics that make it work, I mean. not actually how to make one. I swear!)

She liked my surprise gift for her, the "thank you mom" book made by the guys that made The Blue Day Book. My dad liked his stuff, my sister seemed to as well. My brother in law said, "What a surprise! It's a book!" after anyone opened anything from me, but still liked the Bill Maher book I got him.

The Minty Fresh Breath of Dictatorship

I love Mike, when he actually talks to me instead of being too busy playing video games.

Dr4g0n: thats quite a lot
Dr4g0n: i got a toothbrush!
Dr4g0n: im pumped about that
Phoemeister: yep

lol
Phoemeister: yeah, my mom goes all out on the presents, I'm actually embarassed to admit how much I got sometimes
Dr4g0n: it's a fancy sonic one
Dr4g0n: embarassed? don't be
Phoemeister: cool
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: as long as you don't get like 3rd world countries for presents...
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: damn
Phoemeister: I was going to let you help me rule nigeria
Dr4g0n: im so totally in
Dr4g0n: i'll just try not to be a prick about it
Phoemeister: hey, be a prick all you want
Phoemeister: what are they going to do about it?
Dr4g0n: oh really ...
Dr4g0n: excelent
Dr4g0n: im so totally abusing my power
Dr4g0n: with clean teeth!

I'd like to name this post "How Phoe got her Christmas Spirit Back," and dedicate it to The Man Who Saved Christmas. Just so all you know.

I had to work today, and it was busy and crazy and crappy, though thankfully not as much as yesterday or last Saturday. And I was sleep deprived because of stupid Narnia and my wind-down time afterwards.

My family is not doing much for Christmas. It's a big let down. And there was all the ruined ice cream cake/meat business. And on top of that: I think working retail is enough to turn anyone into a HUGE Christmas hater. The yuletide season has been a nightmare thus far.

So anyway, with an hour or two left in my shift, I was just like, wanting the hell out of there. But one of my coworkers (one of the seasonal people I haven't come up with a nickname for, really) came up with a goal for me: one of us should get a customer to buy one of the horribly tacky neon pink christmas trees we have at the store right now. She was joking, and I believe she regretted creating this monster, because I took the idea and ran with it to a frightening intensity, but I decided what the hell, and made it my personal goal for today to badger some unsuspecting customer into buying a neon pink christmas tree.

I knew it would be an uphill battle. I think I've rung up half the people in this town, and no one had bought any of our stupid little christmas trees to the best of my knowledge, not even the slightly less weird green or red ones. But I loved it. It gave me fresh banter so I didn't have to keep wearing out the things I've said to customers 5,000 times before, and some of them did find it pretty funny. I started polishing up this elaborate spiel about how the pink tree was woven by Buddhist monks with the finest of synthetic materials, and was all the rage in Milan, where several riots had occured because of a neon pink christmas tree shortage. And, because I have been trying to get people to use the Kwanzaa paper for awhile now, I started adding, "And we can wrap it in this lovely Kwanzaa paper!" to the spiel.

Of course, no one wanted it. A girl with a bright pink hat that somewhat matched the tree momentarily seemed a little interested until learning the price. That was about the closest I got for a long time. I also tried extra hard to get Lister's wife, who bought some stuff at my register today, to get one, just because I think it would be hilarious to imagine Lister's face as he woke up Christmas morning to a neon pink christmas tree. But she wisely turned me down.

But then, a hero only before seen in legend, a prince among men, The Man Who Saved Christmas came up to my register and bought a neon pink Christmas tree from me. "OH MY GOSH," I told him, with the air of a fourteen year old meeting her favorite Backstreet Boy for the first time, "YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND NOW," I told him. Then, I regained my composure enough to ask, "Would you like that wrapped?"

"Yes," The Man Who Saved Christmas told me, "That would be fantastic!"

I tried not to let my voice shake as I asked him the question that destiny had been leading up to for my entire life, "Would you like Kwanzaa paper?"

"Sure," The Man Who Saved Christmas told me, "That would be alright."

So with trembling fingers, I wrapped a neon pink Christmas tree in Kwanzaa paper. I can't even describe to you how happy I was. I don't even know why, but I was so darned happy. It was one of the best gifts anyone could even get for me this holiday. I probably frightened the poor man, because I couldn't stop telling him how great it was.

I think he just happened to be buying the pink christmas tree anyway, because he had it when he walked up to the registers, and that's all he got aside from this little package of christmas ornaments for it. But the coworker who accidently started this kept being like, "No, Phoe. Nobody just buys a neon pink Christmas tree for no reason. It just doesn't happen." And then we all speculated that maybe The Man Who Saved Christmas secretly loves me (which I doubt). If he does love me, though, that is cool too. I could not turn down a man who buys a neon pink christmas tree and gets it wrapped in Kwanzaa paper. We could get married and populate the world with strange, strange children.

So that's how I got my Christmas spirit back.


PS: apparently after that, Optpri and Mulva wrote a song about me.

You know Kevin and Optpri and Mulva and Elaine
TII and Lister and Sista and boss-boss
But do you recall
The awesomest (like that) worker of all...
Phoe the spastic Cashier
Had a bizarre sales routine
And if you ever heard it
You'd refrain from book shopping
All of the other cashiers
Ridiculed her bad dance moves
You know, it barely phased her
She kept on cranking out her grooves

Then one stormy christmas eve,
boss-boss came to say:
Shut up about that dumb pink tree,
Won't you lift this box for me

Then how the Phoe lifted
As she gave out an "Umph"
Phoe the spastic cashier
was somehow employee of the month

I thought it was hilarious. I've always wanted a song about me. It should go into my rock opera along with the one I wrote about how I'm not a fat-ass bitch.

PPS: Sista was really down, and I shared the song with her, and she laughed so hard it brought some of her Christmas spirit back. It's a Kwanzaa miracle that echoes throughout the firmament!

So today was a very full day. A little too full for my taste. Every muscle in my body was sore when I left work today. Plus the colitis was all, "can I put you into excruciating pain today? Oh, wait. YOU DON'T GET A SAY."

I'm slowly but surely beginning to hate work. I suppose it'll get better after the holiday season is over, especially if all the random firings stop.

I saw Narnia afterwards, and went to Noodles (though actually not in that order). It was kind of dumb, because Narnia was an impulse decision and I didn't have enough money, plus I'm going to have to get up early tomorrow, but at least it was a kind of decent movie, so.... oh, who'm I kidding. I'm going to be cranky while I'm working on Christmas Eve, I might as well have a reason. Though actually, I already do have a reason: working on Christmas Eve, especially after a horribly shitty day like today.

In other news: I'd like to welcome Mulva into the fold of my dedicated readers. Apparently he likes it enough to bring up anecdotes such as "how Phoe ruined Christmas (and several hundred dollars of meat)" at work, in order to bewilder and alienate other coworkers. And you know I'm all about the bewilderment and/or alienation. Does anyone remember that show, Alien Nation? Good times.

Speaking of which, talking to him gave me nightmares last night. No, honestly. I dreamt he came to my house demanding that I help him make treats for his cat from this recipe by Donald Trump. But my mom wouldn't let us make the cat treats because she doesn't ever let me make anything in the kitchen anyway. THEN, I found out he was really a spy from Barnes and Noble, and I felt horrible and betrayed because I'd kinda helped him get the job. THEN, the dream just randomly switched to me being trained in the cafe, only we were doing ridiculous things they never do in the cafe, like frying shrimp.

So... I think I know why I dreamt about Mulva (talked to him right before I went to bed), his cat (learned how Mulva is trying to potty train him), him being a spy for B & N (we were talking about how we suspect El Camino of being a spy from B & N) but the frying shrimp and donald trump bits are all purely bits of my own diseased psyche.

In yet other news: Carmax and I gave Elaine a Festivus card. Maybe that's what I'll start wishing customers instead of a happy Chrismikwanzica like I have been. Except, as I found out today, the 23 is Festivus, so it's actually over. We just thought it was hilarious we'd accidently gotten the day right.

It's a holiday for the rest of us.

Today I woke up to: "Phoe! PHOE! Wake up! You ruined Christmas!"

Okay... actually, I woke up to my Mom going, "Phoe! PHOE! WAKE UP! You left the freezer door open last night so the ice cream cake we're going to have on Christmas melted, not to mention spoiled hundreds of dollars of meat. I am SO upset."

You say potato, I say potah-to.

So, yeah. This'll be the third time I've ruined hundreds of dollars worth of meat, though today'll be the first time I can add a Christmas ice cream cake to the carnage. The first time I did it, I was a kid. And maybe it's because I was a kid, and things seem scarier or out of proportion when you're a kid, but anyway: the horrified/angry reaction of my mom seemed especially ferocious. The other time, I can't really remember much about. In addition, I've had too many close calls (when the freezer is open but someone notices in time) to remember.

I myself think we should get a freezer that actually stays closed once you close it (the meat savings alone probably would pay for it), but that's just my wacky idea. Also: why do we have that much meat in the first place? A good half of it is no good anyway because it's been sitting around in our freezer an average of two years. Maybe we should also stop hoarding meat. Those are all things I wanted to point out this morning, but instead I offered to replace the ice cream cake, which I was turned down on, as I am obviously not smart enough to go to a store to buy the correct ice cream cake on my own. I did, however, pay for the new one at least. Unfortunately, I do not have the kind of money needed to replace 2 years worth of hoarded frozen meat products as well.

So after three days of wondering, I got the courage to nose around on why supertramp got fired. I asked Mouse, as last time someone got fired (Carmax) he was asking everyone in sight, so I'd figure after three days he'd already have done most of my work for me. I accidently did it in front of Lister, and Mouse was all, "Um... we're not supposed to talk about it." But as soon as Lister was out of earshot, Mouse was like, "Okay, I heard this from Optpri, so it's kind of secondhand info, but..."

Anyway, Supertramp is diabetic, and he needed something to eat one morning to keep his blood sugar up, only none of the registers were open yet, so he wrote an IOU for a biscotti, then forgot to pay later. So... he got fired for a $1.00 cookie. Word on the street is that boss-boss didn't really like him and used this as an excuse.

I think I am going to apply for the job. I feel all worried and secretive about it (Sista's the only one who knows I'm doing it) because I feel bad about Supertramp, and I don't want to make Optpri mad if she's gunning for it. Also, I don't want them to think I'm presuming anything, that I have delusions of grandeur and feel entitled to the job or anything. But, as Sista (whose encouragement is probably most of the reason I'm trying it) says, if Optpri doesn't apply for the job, there's no one else. Except maybe someone from our inventory team, which, I don't think any of them have much of an idea of what Supertramp did, whereas I have some idea, at least, from doing stuff at his bidding in the past.

In news of other people's hopes and dreams: Mulva got an investor for this movie he's making, apparently, so he was over the moon. I'm thinking maybe he'll quit if he thinks he needs more time for working on that, I think it's his big ambition. I actually envy him a little, I kind of wanted to work in that milieu, but let myself be shuttled off into TV news when I was in school, and then after giving up News didn't have the balls afterwards to put that kind of effort into other types of video production or film and got a job in retail instead. It does kind of suck to look around me and see him doing that, and a lot of my other coworkers going to school to improve themselves, and then look at myself and be like, "Yeah, I really DON'T have any ambitions greater than working at this bookstore." And people assume you want to do something else somewhere along the line, and I'm just like... "um, I got nothin." Good for him, though. I hope it works out.

So today was decent, except I only have 9 hours in between my shifts, and with a half hour drive back and forth, that gives me exactly 8 hours sleep, if I don't eat or brush my teeth or anything in the morning, which of course I will do. Plus, I can't sleep right after I get home anyway. So.... I hate when they make me start early in the morning after making me close!

I got to see Hootie, which was awesometastic, and Kevin and Elaine who are also awesometastic though I actually do see them more than I've been seeing Hootie lately, anyway. Elaine kept making fun of me, but in a funny way that kept cracking me up. Afterwards, she was apologizing, and I was like, "Eh, I don't care. It was HILARIOUS." And we got to discussing how it's a lot easier to forgive people for doing normally annoying things (teasing you, complaining about things etc.) when they're funny about it.

I ate free fruit (we have all this fruit lying around in the break room they're giving us for christmas I guess) and a not so free cheesy pretzel.

Bad news: Supertramp either quit or got fired, but we've not really gotten the info on which it is, but we were all shocked, it happened quite suddenly. It sucks, he was fun, and really good at what he did. If this is another case of boss-boss being weird, I'll be upset. Because things like that just make you really paranoid, and wondering who will get the axe next. And, also leaves us continuallly training people, so no one knows what they're doing.

Speaking of which: his job is up for grabs. In a perfect world, Optpri would probably get the job, as she, too, is completely awesome at what she does, knows what Supertramp did pretty well, and used to be a supervisor at some other branch of the store. Well..... in a perfect world he wouldn't be leaving to begin with. But anyway, according to Carmax, boss-boss really hates and feels threatened by Optpri. And after her, the full-time employee with the most seniority is...... me, thanks to the high turnover rate at the store. Which.... I don't think I'd deserve it, as I've only been there a few months. And I'm always learning that I've been doing this or that wrong a whole long time (though I blame THAT on none of the managers ever agreeing on anything more than my own incompetance). And I act kind of spazzy.... not exactly leadership material. On the other hand, if Optpri doesn't take it, there's really no one else. Mulva's the only other full time employee and he's worked there a month, if that. Also, Sista got promoted to supervisor, and she's not worked there very much longer than me (though, she was a manager at other places previous to this, which I've never been). Also, they can't think I'm totally incompetant, as I did get employee of the month awhile back (though I don't know if that's people voting for me because I'm they're friend or because I switch shifts at short notice, rather than for reasons having to do with whether or not I'm management material).

Anyway, it's all probably moot. Hopefully Optpri gets it.

I'm horrible... if you ever talk to me on AIM, rest assured I'll be pasting parts of it over and making fun of you with Ryan:

Phoemeister: heh, I do know what bionicle is, but I couldn't resist this:

Phoemeister: what didja buy?
BSD: 24 D batteries a bionicle and binoculars.
BSD: impressed?
Phoemeister: I don't even know what a bionicle is
Phoemeister: is it two monocles?

Sui: haha
Sui: 24d batteries?
Sui: damn
Sui: that's a big dildo
Phoemeister: I should ask him what its for
Phoemeister: and if he says big dildo
Phoemeister: I'll have to bow to your knowledge
Phoemeister: maybe it's a bionicle dildo
Sui: haha is that like the bionic man?
Sui: does it make that "na na na na" noise when he uses it?
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I got a mental image there
Phoemeister: and let me tell you:
Phoemeister: it was hilarious
Sui: hahah
Sui: nice : )
Phoemeister: I can almost forgive you for making me picture a man pleasuring himself with a dildo
Sui: haha
Sui: you love it
Sui: and you know it
Phoemeister: ........
Phoemeister: I do
Sui: that's what i thought
Sui: you're probably pleasuring yourself just thinking about him pleasuring himself right now
Sui: aren't you!
Sui: sinner!
Phoemeister: no, I'm listening to fruity emo
Phoemeister: and eating cookies
Sui: and fantasizing about man-on-dildo action!
Sui: talk about multi-tasking
Sui: lol, well you're doing all that PLUS watching the simpsons
Sui: haha
Sui: the simpsons is over
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: well that's just sad
Phoemeister: who wants to fantasize about man on dildo action while watching CSI?
Phoemeister: it totally kills the mood

Today I saw King Kong.

I have to say: meh. I don't really see what everyone has their panties in a twist about. Hell, I didn't really see what was so great about the original. Okay: I saw why it was good for it's time, and it's certainly not the worst film I've been subjected to in film class, but I wasn't exactly on the edge of my seat or anything.

Also: I think I've fallen away from movies. I just... can't lose myself in them the way I used to, getting totally immersed and shutting the entire world out. That's what I used to love most. I think part of it is the film minor DID kill my attention span. After the semester where I saw at least one film a day, I couldn't pay attention to anything at all for awhile. But at the same time.... I couldn't not see a ton of movies. I'd go into withdrawal if I didn't see a load of them. I'd thought I'd gotten back to normalcy, but I'm not sure. Now I just think of totally random things the whole time. Like, when I watched Walk the Line, I kept thinking of these stupid interviews I'd read with Joaquin Phoenix, and then from there, some other article I'd read in the same magazine, until I'm thinking of something that has nothing to do with anything.

Another part of it is my bladder. I've never been known for being able to hold it a long time, but I used to be able to get through most movies without having to go. And, since I could immerse myself into them totally, I wouldn't notice even if I did have to go. But now... I think ever since that whole gallbladder/vicodin thing, my bladder's been extra sensitive. So, though I can hold it a whole movie, I'm miserable if I don't go at least once. So the first half of the movie, I'm thinking, "should I go to the toilet now? I don't want to miss anything. If I don't go now, maybe I'll miss something later. But if I go to early, I might have to go AGAIN later." And I AM thinking of it from the first second of the movie, because the time it takes for them to show the previews is more than enough time for me to start feeling the need to pee already. Seriously, I should check out those overactive bladder drugs or something. Because it's not like I can't hold it, but I always FEEL like I have to go, and it sucks. But I'm on too many different drugs already.

And DAMN you Peter Jackson. All your movies are too long, even if I didn't have a messed up bladder and no remaining attention span!

The good points, though: Jack Black = awesome. I don't love every movie he's in, but he was totally the best part of this one, as the sleazy director who's all, well, sleazy and Jack-Black-like.

Minor characters = awesome. I'm always whining about movies never having character developement, and god knows the major characters didn't get a ton, having to rush from here to there to make all their various action scenes, but at least they bothered making the other characters more than ape fodder.

Little in-jokes for anyone who's watched the orignal: gratifying.

So anyways. I also had a phone conver with Carmax. It's pretty funny, I call her meaning to just say one thing, and then we end up talking for an hour. I think half of it is we can milk a single joke for laughs for 20 minutes. The last time I called her, somehow we decided her racist grandpa was hilarious. This time, it was a comment of TII's the other day that I mentioned to her, because I thought it was hilarious.

See, TII makes a lot of lame jokes, but the other day he just made me crack up. Mouse made some comment or other, I can't even remember anymore, and boss boss was like, "You're a jackass," to him, in kind of a joking manner. Anyway, TII heard this perfectly, but he walks up to us all, and is like, "Who has gas?" in response.

Anyway: half of it was the inflection, but I thought it was hilarious, but no one else laughed at it at the time (though I told Sista about it yesterday and she thought it was hilarious, and as I've mentioned, Carmax and I ended up giggling over "who has gas?" for twenty minutes. In fact, I think whenever I don't hear what someone says to me properly, instead of saying what, my new catchphrase is going to be, "Who has gas?" And I'm sure it'll irritate a lot of people, but it is hilarious to me!

Man. The first half of today sucked. Both the colitis and headaches were like, "hahah, let's make you miserable today." Sometimes I feel like my life is one big hangover without the actual drinking and partying you get beforehand.

I pretty much laid around most of the day. I guess I'm glad it happened on my day off, so I didn't have to pretend I'm a nice person in front of total strangers during the holiday rush, but it seems like kind of a waste of a day off. I'd also hoped for a restful day, considering the blehness of yesterday.

I did feel better in time to go to a movie with Sista we'd arranged, which was good. I've gotten to the point where I can do things even when I feel crappy, but it's infinitely better when not. Sista and I had a good time. And though she didn't go with us, Carmax showed up and gave me christmas cookies!

Here's a meme I stole from phoe from elsewhere. Basically, you post the first line of the first post you've made for the whole year.

Jan Okay, how awesome am I at predicting things?
Feb Sui: You need to rebel against the oppresive regime that holds you down!
March Phoemeister: laptop time is usually the best conversation time
April Gah, blogger is being crazy.
May So yesterday was my last day of work at the station.
June Phoemeister: I had an interview for barnes and noble, but since roughly 8,000,000,000 other people applied, I'm doubtful
July I took it because I saw "MIT" and was impressed.
Aug So, I went to a doll maker site and made a me.
Aug 3rd day of work today.
Sept So I spent a lot of time in the Cage today again.
Nov Remember how awhile ago I mentioned this guy, who I know from a film class at ISU but I don't remember his name?
Dec BSD: i'm busy lifting people up

yes, I noticed the two augusts, but couldn't figure out whre I went wrong, so there you go.

Well today was hellish. Not only did I have register all day (which ALWAYS sucks), but we had a line halfway across the store for most of the day. I was so tired by the end. Also, it was made even less fun by the fact that boss-boss told us to stop joking around with each other. I could sort of see why she did it, because Mulva and I were reaching hyperness levels of epic proportions (I do feel bad about getting that hyper, but being around other hyper people, plus being tired does that to me), and Hootie added some to it too, but it still made standing around all day ringing people up miserable.

Awhile ago, I asked Sista what her favorite quote was, and she couldn't think of anything, so I asked her for a random quote, and she said, "Nobody puts baby in the corner." I put it up by my drawing on the dry erase board, which lends it an air of the genuinely bizarre. I keep meaning to ask other people quotes but I forgot. Until today, when Carmax and I were discussing Ronald Reagan, and I decided to put win one for the gipper up there for her. Only I forgot to do it, so now I'm posting it to remind myself.

For my own quote, I'm thinking of maybe a line from "Saw Tupac at McDonald's." That way, if anyone asks me what it is, I can expound at length on why the west side is the best side.

So, my friend Tina found a site with a bunch of great links, Who is Ean? Plus, you have to love any site where the author confesses, "I am such a damn queer for polar bears."

I didn't click on a ton of them, because I'm lazy and have dial up and they would take forever to load, but a few of them I did, and they were hilarious. My favorite was Mr. T GPS system and fake encyclopedia. My favorite articles so far are on This Guy and JD Salinger.

So yesterday, I accidently came into work an hour early. I talked to Elaine about it, and she thought that they had me scheduled for that time a week ago and changed it on me at the last minute, so I shouldn't worry, it's their fault. But I looked at the old schedule later, and it turns out I was just dumb, and it's my fault. I still think Elaine's going to fix it, though. So.... I think I just accidently committed the perfect crime. If you consider working an hour you are not scheduled for a crime. That's kind of a lame crime, now that I think of it. I shall have to work on that before I can be a master criminal.

Speaking of Elaine: she made brownies and brought them in, and they were DELICIOUS. And we have apples in the break room right now (apparently corporate used to give out bonuses, but then they got cheap and now we only get apples, so I'm eating as many free apples as possible before they're gone). And my mom made pork chops the other night. So I think that's about the most balanced meal I've had at work, (considering I eat cheez-its or goldfish there most of the time) brownies, apple, pork chops, and cheez-its (sadly, I nearly always have a box of some sort of cheese flavored snack crackers in my locker at work). Good times.

Also, I've started calling Mulva "Henri." Some lady said he was ornery yesterday while we were both at register, only she pronounced it on'ry, and I was like, "what if she really meant to call you "Henri" (the french pronunciation of Henry is on-ree, which sounds similar to on'ry). He finds it annoying to be called Henri, but I think it's hilarious, so I will never stop calling him that ever. Plus, if he knew I called him Mulva on my blog, I think he would agree that Henri is a step up.

I'm trying to get people to vote for Sista for employee of the month, but I don't know how well it's going. People are surprisingly apathetic about it. And it makes me mad, because if we weren't all apathetic, maybe our inventory team wouldn't be able to rig it nearly every month! But they do. Because we are. Oh well.

So I went in this morning after having closed last night, which always sucks. They should not do that. Or at least not do it if it's avoidable, which it so is. They just don't try very hard. Actually, though, I brought this one on myself, as yesterday I would've had the day off if Mulva hadn't needed to switch shifts. Except, I had the same close/morning situation on Friday/Saturday, and switching shifts eliminated that one, so I really wasn't any worse off. EXCEPT: boss-boss asked me today if I wanted to work Saturday because they could use the extra help and I could make up the hours I missed when I felt bad Monday.

I didn't really want to make up the hours that badly, but when boss-boss or anyone asks me something, I just automatically say yes before I think about it. So... I said yes. And now I'm working Saturday. BUT, I get Sunday and Monday off, so I'll have a well-deserved rest after that.

Anyway: I've realized I am rather untalkative at register lately. When I do it all day (which they've been making me do) I feel robotic. The only thing that helps is if I have someone fun up there with me that gets me in a more chatty mood. But today I spent most of my time with El Camino. And El Camino is great. He's really funny when he wants to be, and out of nowhere today I told him he was my best friend (I tend to say that whenever someone says something that really makes me love them, which tends to frighten them). But: he's kind of quiet. So he doesn't really get the conversational ball rolling.

Later when Mulva (most talkative person of all time) came and joined us, though, it got better. Except I was actually worried about Mulva a little, because apparently he hit his head before coming into work, and he repeatedly told El Camino and I he was dizzy, but wouldn't do anything about it.

Then Hootie joined us, and they decided 4 people was more than we needed at registers (which was rather self evident, btw) and they let me go and do other stuff. Which was nice, because I was tired of registers, but kind of sad because since they hired the holiday help, Hootie's not been getting very many hours and I never see her, and when she IS in, it's some situation like this where she's at registers and I'm somewhere else. Mouse, too, has been gone a lot. I find myself with the new people a lot. And it's not like I have anything against the new people, a lot of them actually do seem pretty cool, but I find it exhausting to be around people when I don't know them very well yet because I spend a lot of time nervous that I'm saying things that freak them out becaue I'm such a strange person, even though all of us at the store are pretty strange, and the new people themselves even show evidence of strangeness.

On the plus side: Sista's been promoted to a supervisor, so she is around where I am more and I get to see her. I feel bad for her though, they have given her no training, so she's always nervous that she's doing something wrong and/or will need to do something she doesn't know how to do and there'll be no one around to help with it.

On an unrelated note: a german man yelled at me because I couldn't look up a CD for him because the number he gave me was not a UPC, an ISBN, nor the store's own number we use to track things. I also told a woman who's surname is Bergner that my dad and I call the store Bergner's "Herr Bergner." True story.

I felt crappy yesterday and had to leave work. It'll be my first time, and I've not really accumulated any sick leave, so I think I'm just not paid for that day, except for the brief time I was actually there. I felt bad doing it at such short notice, but boss-boss didn't seem to mind overly much.

What's worse, is after a couple of hours at home I felt well, and I felt good enough to go back in, only I couldn't because I'd taken the time off, so then I felt guilty being at home feeling fine.

Then this morning I felt really bad again, and was like, "Crap! I can't do it twice in a row!" but I'm feeling better now so I think I can go in and stay in this time.

I like to think I'm pretty tough when it comes to dealing with pain and sickness. When I was in school, I always went when I had a cold. And now that I have colitis, I deal with sickness and pain on a daily basis. And when I was a photographer I'd go out rain or snow hot or cold and burn or freeze my ass off. But in retail... I kind of feel like I have to go home if I'm feeling horrible, because of all the things I can do while I'm in physical discomfort, being nice to people is not one of them. And in retail... that's kind of the whole job. So I decided to go home before I snapped on someone.

And for hilarity's sake, go visit: Seagal Action Facts

Today was crazy busy. I will deserve my day off tomorrow. Check ya later.

New Karaoke Supernova

Phoemeister: your hair is alright
Phoemeister: generally I think long hair looks bad on guys
Phoemeister: but I think you pull it off
Phoemeister: (but not the MC Hammer pants or those ridiculous shoes)
Sui: ridiculous shoes?
Sui: man those shoes are awesome
Sui: times a million
Phoemeister: times negative 1 million
Sui: times you're dead
Phoemeister: times bite me
Sui: times okay that's how i'll kill you

So last night, I had nightmares about calendars. I wish I were joking, but I am not. Honest to god calendar nightmares re: the actual calendar nightmare I had to deal with yesterday. Bleh.

Speaking of calendars: I forgot to mention yesterday what my two favorite calendars are. The Outhouses calendar, with a beautiful glossy photo of a shithouse each month, or the Magnificent Trains calendar, where they're so desperate to prove to you that a calendar of trains is cool that they arbitrarily tack "magnificent" onto the title.

Not a whole lot happened today. I ended up discussing music with Supertramp again, which is always a mistake. I don't want to make him sound like this jerk that's always downing everything I love.... but that's kind of how it ended up. Since corporate demands we saturate the overhead music with Christmas, he's addded a few more, including my personal nemisis, Santa Baby. But, before I complained about it, I gave my props to him for putting Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer on the overhead. And he was like:

"OH MY GOD. How can such a good person listen to such horrible music?!?!?!?" because apparently he hates Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. But I actually felt complimented. Because I already know he thinks what I listen to is horrible, so the part about me being a good person felt like a compliment.

And anyway, we discussed it, and he does like some bands I love (Saves the Day! Whooo!) and I like some bands he loves (Calla, Nada Surf). He and I can still be friends, the way Ryan and I are still friends even though he calls Everclear "Everqueer."

Also, I got yelled at drawing on the dry erase board again, so I wrote "unappreciated in my own time" over the drawing.

Oh. And for some reason: it won't let me order the Postsecret book anymore, I don't know if we're out or what. But it's not like.... it was never possible, because someone DID order the book and get it. But nothing I do lets me get it, even though I know the system I'm actually trying to order from like the back of my hand, seeing as how I use it every day. I guess I'll have to get it off of amazon or something.

So today, nearly as crappy as yesterday.

Through the magic of wearing three shirts, I wasn't too cold, at least.

But most of the day I had to rearrange the calendars which is probably the poopiest task I've ever had at work. Because someone had put them on weird, and then I had to put the ones like each other (i.e. all the art ones with the other art ones, all the animal ones with the other animal ones) only I'd miss like 8 of the type I was looking for in three different places and would end up undoing my own work to fix it. AND, they had someone else doing it during my break, and THEY ended up undoing half my work (through no fault of their own) because they were so freakin' messed up. I think I put it together again as well as possible, though.

My break WAS pretty good though. Elaine and I ended up drawing on the dry erase board in the break room together, and discussing Burt of Burt's Bees and his homeless look.

Me: I think Burt looks like some crazy homeless guy
Her: It's the beard, isn't it?
Me: Yes.
Me: And a little bit the hat.

Optpri, too, finds my impression of Burt hilarious, said impression basically consisting of waving around my arms and yelling, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY MY BEE STUFF???" (she is still the only one who thinks my strategy to win a knife fight, i.e. bring a gun, is funny)

Another impression I busted out once again to much acclaim is the one I do of Dr. Phil where I make up random homespun phrases. That one's always gold.

And this must really be Phoe's greatest hits day, because I did the running man for several people. Apparently Optpri told the new cafe guy I did a mean running man, and I was like, "No. I will not do the running man for you, new guy." But then Elaine and Boss-Boss got into the conversation, and it was like, "Dance, monkey! Dance!" and I had to throw down to defend my running man title.

Speaking of new people: there are like a million of them, but they all seem pretty cool. So that's good.

Lastly: Optpri brought back my Ben Folds CD's and the compilation she made for me, named, "Ben Folds Don't Need Pants," (a reference to the picture of him on Songs for Goldfish sans pants). Rock.

So today just sucked really bad.

1) I had a bad headache.

2) I spent the first half of my day in the cage and my second half at the registers. Both places: freezing cold. FREEZING COLD.

So I made my first new comic in AGES. It's in the "comics based on disturbing search requests" section, and is called: How Do They Test Eyeliner on Monkees? Yeah.... you see where it's going. But despite the predictableness, I had to draw it anyway. So without further ado: my half-assed comic archive.

So today was hectic as all get out at work. At least in the morning. The happy bit: at least not much went wrong. The only thing that sucks worse than getting some horrible person who doesn't understand why their coupon won't work on magazines is having a huge line behind them getting grouchier and grouchier while it happens. About the worst thing I had happen was doing a return and almost not giving the guy the right amount back (it scanned in as on sale and he hadn't bought it on sale). I just wanted to strangle him because even after I admited he was right and went back and gave him the extra money, he was still all suspicious that I was trying to cheat him, and spent ten hours examining the receipt to catch me cheating him still, holding the line up all the while.

Then in the afternoon I had the problem of having not that much to do, because we got a lot more people in, and we were all stuck doing customer service, which is basically walking around the store trying to badger people into letting you help them find something. And since there were four other people doing the same thing at the time.... nothing for me to do.

Then Carmax, Sista, and I went to see Walk the Line. It was good. Then afterwards we hung around this bizarre, expensive, deserted bowling alley connected to a VFW. This was actually the idea of another couple of coworkers of ours, who don't have nicknames because I don't really mention them all that much, even though they're cool people. The problem: the store's kind of cliquey. I mean, we're all great friends when we're actually at the store, but we only do stuff with certain people outside of the store, it seems. So Carmax, Sista, and I are kind of a clique, and then these two people and Mouse are kind of a clique. So I kind of wanted to reach out to the other clique, but the problem with the other clique is that they like to hang out at bars, and I hate bars. And the bowling alley was pretty much a thwarted attempt at being at a bar, I think. And it wasn't really any more pleasant than a bar either.

I had a really great day today. Carmax, Sista and I arranged to have dinner together at break like we usually do on Fridays. Actually, it turned out I didn't have the same break as Sista, so I had to switch with Mouse, who was cool about it. Honestly, I wasn't sure if they let us switch breaks until now, but I wanted to try. Last week we had a different break and Carmax just ended up eating with me, which made me feel bad for Sista.

Anyway: Mulva had the same break too, and I managed to rope him into it. Then, El Camino got off at the same time, and he came too. So we were like one big happy family. AND Carmax, Sista and I have already made plans to see Walk the Line tomorrow.

Mulva was awesome as ever, and seemed to hit it off pretty well with everyone else. El Camino was a little quieter, I'm not sure if he felt comfortable with all the people. I know I get a little weird in crowds myself. Though unfortunately I just tend to shout out whatever and embarass myself, rather than keeping quiet.

Best of all: no one was totally disgusted by the horrible messiness of my car. Though there was some jest at the skill of my driving. But..... I don't blame anyone for that.

I found a really weird note stuck in one of the displays, I think it was from a customer. It looks like kind of a shopping list for alcohol because it lists out various types of alcohol and the quantity of each one the person was apparently looking for. Then, just randomly, at the bottom, it says "I Love Josh."

Everyone made fun of the CD I brought in at close today. It was New Found Glory, this EP they have of covers of movie songs. I admit--it's not exactly my favorite anymore either, but I was surprised it generated so much backlash. I told them, though, "The more you mock Ben Folds, the more I'm going to bring in New Found Glory. And the more you mock New Found Glory, the more I'm going to bring in Good Charlotte. And the more you mock Good Charlotte, the more I'm going to bring in The Spice Girls."

Then they just made fun of me for having Good Charlotte and the Spice Girls.

BSD: i'm busy lifting people up
Phoemeister: your hobby is ballet?
BSD: no, pulley rigging
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: that was a good one
Phoemeister: I love all humor involving pulleys
BSD: is it the rope or the pully that amuses you?
Phoemeister: the pulley
BSD: ok
Phoemeister: because I don't think that's something someone would think of every day
Phoemeister: like... "something that lifts something.... pulley!"
Phoemeister: because pulleys do lift things
Phoemeister: but I think more people would go for crane or forklift
Phoemeister: I admire your old fashioned values
BSD: I do own 2 pulleys
Phoemeister: really? Why?
BSD: you don't have pulleys?
BSD: I'm all about mechanical advantage. baby!

Sorry for the rapid fire posts, but I keep meaning to post things and then remember them and then make a new post, and then remember another thing....

Anyway, it's kind of funny to think of things you've done that leave a mark on a place. Like, the keyboards at the registers used to be hella gross, but Carmax cleaned them, so I always think of her there when I use them. Or at least I will till they get gross again.

I was thinking of the things I've done to either improve or deface my workplace, and most of them were at the registers too. And I think almost no one knows I've done them. Here they are:

--I took all the paperclips and linked them all up. No one even noticed until weeks after I did it.

--I wrote the smartass comments on the cashier talking points cards. They've been replaced.

--I made and hung an oragami star on one side of the computer.

--I drew one of my bizarre drawings and then shoved it under the glass counter. This I did nearly at the start of the job, before I realized that if there's nothing to do at the register, I still have to pretend like I'm doing something, rather than draw. I actually mentioned it to Carmax the other day, and she was like, "That was you????" Apparently actual customers had thought it was cool and would ask her who did it. I was a little depressed, I looked for it today, and it was gone.

So the Post Secret book just came out, and I didn't even know (I only visit like once a month, because I like to read a lot all at once). You know how I found out? Someone came into the store wanting it. And we lost the sale because they didn't want to bother trying to order it.

They were pretty happy that I knew what they were talking about, but unhappy when it turned out we didn't have any. But there were like a jillion in the corporate warehouse. Damn our po-dunk town for not wanting to buy any.

But then again: I dunno if I'll buy it anyway. It's really frickin' expensive. I hate hardcover books. Even with my discount it's kind of a waste, especially since it's the type of book you're going to get through pretty fast.

But you should buy it and support Post Secret. Do it! Do it!

(I'm half-tempted to order it through the store and read it on a break or something and then not buy it, since you're not obligated to buy special orders at the store. But it's kind of a crappy thing to do so I have moral qualms about trying that)

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night sick to your stomache and with a pounding headache and the new Weezer single stuck in your head no matter what you do and you can't fall back to sleep for the life of you?

Yeah, me too. Damn you, "We Are All On Drugs."

D'oh. As Ryan so courteously points out: I screwed up the link, Karaoke Supernova is here, actually.

Today I hung out with Carmax, it was a lot of fun. Though I think I offended her husband. He was kind of hanging around and seemed friendly enough, but he's german and I made a joke about germans being racist and after that he was not so friendly anymore. Which, was totally bad taste on my part, I don't know him too well to be going around stereotyping his country.



We decorated Carmax's Christmas tree and had tacos, and talked about the urine test she had to take today for another job.

Today, somehow Mulva and I got to imagining what it would be like if Yoda rapped. And while it didn't really conform to Yoda's talking patterns, I have to say I found bits like, "Sideous is hideous!" and "I got nookie from a wookiee!" so hilarious I hurt afterwards.

Then he told me that Yoda probably was lying about getting nookie from a wookiee, and that Yoda is full of hubris and arrogance when he starts rapping.

In other news: I think I'm going to start calling "new guy" "el camino" after his bitchin' El Camino. And also: he's growing on me, and there's like 50 other new people right now anyway. Because since El Camino started, Mulva, a cashier, a new cafe guy, and three booksellers have started, so he's really not that new, relatively.

Kevin cracked me up today. He was throwing away old magazines and being like, "Uh, oh, phoe! This is your last chance to read __________" whatever horrible gossip mag he happened to be throwing away. And I'd pretend to be all horrified. Then I had him cover while I went to the bathroom, and I told him thanks, and he was like, "Yeah, well, I had to. I thought to myself, what would Mary Kate do?" and holds up a magazine with the Olsen twins on the cover extolling the virtues of Mary Kate's "new healthy diet."

And I was like, "Yeah. Well you know what? Mary Kate would also lend me fifty bucks to bet on the ponys. I have a hot tip." And then we discussed whether or not Mary Kate Olsen would lend me money for various underhanded purposes.

I finally had my lunch with boss-boss, and she thinks it's funny that I say the good folks at Barnes & Noble fart into their books. So I guess she can't be all bad.

In other news, it's going to turn into the people who know Phoe store! I swear, one of the new people actually knows me (though didn't put my name on their app like Mulva did)! I saw the new people today and was all surprised when I found out. Anyway, she's one of my old TV-10 buddies, so that's cool.

New KS

Phoemeister: but you KNOW Angelina Jolie would totally be up for a lesbian affair with a fry cook
Phoemeister: you KNOW she would
Sarcasmyst: *laughs* It's true! It's part of her allure.

So today was not as bad as I would've thought (they say the friday after thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year). I don't know if it's because I came in at 4, when most of the rush was over or what, but it wasn't bad at all.

We did get some pretty weird customers, though. There was this one lady all telling me about all the christmas decorations she was going to buy from Gordman's and all about this homemade sausage she made. I was at the register, however, and no one else was coming, so I couldn't really hurry her along. I started giggling when she got to the sausage, and Mulva was all, "You insulted that woman's homemade sausage! How dare you!"

And there was this lady with this bratty kid. Like... he was only four or five but not only was he causing a commotion, but he was actually calling her a shithead and stuff. But she was like, horribly mean back. She like, asked us if we carried muzzles. And then after one particularly bad comment of the kids, she says in this singsong voice, "Orphanage!" which was pretty funny despite how horrible it was.



After work I went through the promos and actually found some decent CD's. Maybe I should've given them a second chance before this? Anyway, I doubt I would actually pay much for these, but I got this sampler of Aqualung songs, 2 of which I didn't already have, and Bowling for Soup Goes to the Movies, which I think Bowling for Soup is semi decent, and I do enjoy weird covers. Though I think there might be a couple originals on there? I don't know. Very few of the song names do I actually recognize from any movie. Here's hoping.

Phoemeister: we make a great team
Phoemeister: you say things about penises
Phoemeister: I cross stitch them onto samplers
BSD: I'm very good at that!
Phoemeister: and also very proud about it, apparently
BSD: It's a talent.
BSD: Also I can say things about farting.
Phoemeister: wow
BSD: I'm a catch.

My thanksgiving was alright. I've noticed, though, the older I get the less magical holidays get. I'm not sure if it's because I'm grown up and not as easily impressed anymore, or the half-assedness that seems to infect my family more and more each year.

Because this year it was just me and my parents, 3 people. The turkey and mashed potatoes were the only dishes that took any real work, the only other things we had were cranberry sauce from the can, prepackaged rolls, microwaveable green beans, and store bought pie. Store bought key-lime pie, no less. AND she wouldn't clear off her side of the table to make it nice for us. She wouldn't even take the damn TV off the table this year, though she at least turned it off during the meal, which she never has the consideration to do during a normal dinner.

I admit: my mom was sick. So... it would suck to make her bang out a hugely impressive meal. AND honestly, I have always been soley about the mashed potatoes and rolls, so no weird cranberry dish or green bean dish was not that big of blow (though I did kind of miss the pumpkin pie despite the store-bought key-lime being surprisingly excellent).

BUT, she won't let me cook either to make a pie or anything else to make the dinner fancier. AND she doesn't even have to do much with the turkey, my dad always grills it.

Anyway, it also kind of made me sad because this is the first year we don't get thanksgiving with my sister. Her husband's parents are divorced and remarried, so between them and us, that's like three thanksgivings she has to go to in a day. And on top of that, now she has a kid to cart around with her. So my mom was like, "Yeah, you can skip our thanksgiving if you want, maybe we'll go out to eat at a restaurant sometime together to make it up." Which, pissed me off because my mom told me point blank that if I had to work this weekend I wouldn't get in on the make-up thanksgiving dinner, and end up not seeing my sister and the phew at all for thanksgiving. And believe me, my sister wouldn't contact me to see me. Whenever we do anything that the parents don't choreograph, I'm the one who always has to call her and get the ball rolling. Every time. But.. thankfully I did end up with one day off this weekend, so I'll be able to go.

I'm hoping maybe my sister will stop being such a pushover to her husband's two familys and just say, "You know what, I'm going to make my own thanksgiving and you can come if you want, but if you don't, screw you I'm not going to drag my baby to both of your houses and not even see my own family." And then maybe we could all just have thanksgiving at her house. But then again, she sees mom and dad like, every week, they're all such good buddies, I'm the Robert of my whole Everybody Loves Raymond freakin' family, the only one she doesn't see that often is me, so she probably wouldn't think it's worth it just for that.

I think that's the real reason so many people claim to hate the holidays and birthdays and other special occaisions. Just because they're sad it can't be like when they were kids. I'm hoping now that we do have a kid in the family, I can maybe start living vicariously through him when he gets old enough to know what holidays are.

New Karaoke Supernova

I mentioned this in my last post, but I think this reaction is too funny to not put up:

Phoemeister: Sista is trying to hook me up with this guy from the navy
Phoemeister: and I'm stalking him via the internet
Sui: nice! You win at the interstalkernet!

So today I revealed to my coworkers I'm a commie.

At least, that's what I decided to abbreviate my B.A. in communications to. I don't know why, but I thought that was hilarious when I came up with it. I made sure to let Hootie know that her degree in psychology made her a psycho, and let TII know that his degree in History makes him histrionic. He was not amused... though I think secretly he was amused but pretends to disapprove of things. Today, as a joke, I was sitting around off the clock waiting for Sista (I'd already gotten off work for the day but we wanted to have dinner together during her break) reading High Times, and I proudly displayed it to him and he was all fake-horrified.

By the way: High Times is actually really boring except for the ads. The ads, however: Awesome. Urinetheclear.com and "the whizzinator" are both products I hope to invest in and make a fortune.

Speaking of Sista (which I was before I got sidetracked by High Times), she's probably the first person I know in real life who has read the blog, and her verdict is, and I quote, "so I just read my friend Phoe's internet blog and I was laughing so hard." That makes me relieved. I only even told one other person about my blog, and then she couldn't remember how to get to it and never asked again, so either she visited it and hated it and pretended she hadn't, or she genuinely didn't have enough interest. I'm hoping it's the latter. She's one of the gang of religious kids I hung out with in high school, and I'm pretty sure some of the stuff I've said on here could upset her. But she was all, "no, I really wouldn't get offended," before I told her, so who knows. I could actually probably use Sista's real name now that she knows about my blog, but I bet she would feel left out if she was denied a secret identity from my elaborate system of pseudonyms.

Sista is trying to hook me up with her friend GI Joe, by the way. Which I appreciate, as I need all the help I can get with men. Anyhow, I'm breaking the rule and calling him GI Joe (his real name is Joe) because it's too perfect of a nickname to pass up. Apparently he's in the Navy . So "Navy Joe" quickly became "GI Joe," and thus an embarassing nickname for someone who doesn't even know I exist was born. Anyway, she says GI Joe and I have the same kind of humor or something.



I WAS told I was awesome today. I was doing my usual friendly banter routine with the customers, and Lister was like, "Phoe, you're awesome" kind of out of nowhere. And I was like, "wha?" and he said he liked my customer banter.

Which, by the way, one of my stock pieces of banter is saying, "now don't spend it all in one place!" whenever a customer gets back a penny for change. Mulva was there while I said it once today, and he was like, "You're mocking the customer, Phoe! Now they'll feel bad about how they don't have any money anymore after shopping here!" and this was right in front of a customer, and since we have to hit them up for their email to give them coupons anyway, I kind of included her and was like, "well... if you give us your e-mail you can get coupons and be much richer after the next time you visit the store," and Mulva was like, "In spirit, Phoe. Richer in spirit."

I think we make a great team at bantering.

In other news (I just now noticed this is the longest post ever.... hahah, you losers still have to read it): I think my nephew is one o' them there genius babies. I mean, I'm kind of joking, but I'm kind of not. He's less than a year and a half old, and he's been going to the refrigerator when he wants food. And when someone opens it, he finds and gets out exactly what his favorite food is. AND, I forgot to mention this when he originally started it, but he throws garbage into the trashcan too. And like... he doesn't just throw everything in the garbage, he actually finds garbage and then goes to the trash can and throws it away. And he's done it multiple times, so it's not a fluke. By the time he is potty trained, I can just tell he's going to be our evil overlord, for sure.

When I got my haircut, I also got my eyebrows waxed. It kind of backfired, because I think my hairdresser was a little overzealous with the waxing. She shaped them into these arch-things that I think give me a sort of perpetually startled-looking expression.

Phoemeister: now I'm arguing with him over when the last weird al album came out
Phoemeister: I have no idea when the last weird album came out
Phoemeister: but my goal is to actually make him get up and go and find it
Phoemeister: because he's so intent to prove it to me
Phoemeister: even though he doesn't know who the hell I am
Sui: haha
Sui: you're a freak you know that?

I got a phone call from the customer who's always in a permenant drug haze. He was all asking me to look up King of the Hill, and I listed out all the seasons we have and how much they cost, and then he was like, "thank you," and hung up on me.

And I got a phone call from this old confused customer who's always calling us up to look up obscure music albums and order them and then cancel them and then call us back up and yell at us for canceling the orders.... anyway, he makes you look up all the songs on each album and list them out to him. I've gotten to the point where I say them all in a kind of automated moviefone-like voice, so that the "I want you baby!" sort of titles sound less like I actually want whoever's on the phone. But I did break down and start giggling today when one of the song titles was "Do Me." I bet he's a dirty old man who does this on purpose.

We've also started this thing where if someone calls us up and puts something on hold, we put another book on hold that we think that customer might also like. I've been itching to try it out (for some reason I haven't been getting holds over the phone and thus no opportunity). But today I got two and I was all sad because neither person wanted something I could easily reccomend something else I liked for. Someone wanted some book of christian fiction, and so I put some other random christian fiction book in with it that looked like it was a bestseller or something and wrote "more great christian fiction!" on the slip where it says why we are reccomending it. The other one was Home Alone, and I put in Home Alone 3 and said, "More great Home Alone Fun!" True story.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. For... no real reason. I just hate my hair. But I always hate my hair.

I'm thinking of getting bangs again.