Today I had my first ever physical where they did a pap test. I already knew I wouldn't like it.
1) It's degrading to just have everything out there, with some stranger (we switch doctors so often I consider them strangers) touching it
2) I was forced to. I'm stubborn enough that I hate anything I'm forced to do: and make no mistake, I was forced to do this. They won't let me have my birth control pills unless I do. This means I have to do their damn test, or have a day of pain so bad all I can do is lay around all day once a month. Its no gun to my head, but it definately qualifies as extortion. They want to make sure you don't have cancer or something but I'm 20, have no family history of cancer, and if I want to be reckless and not watch for cancer it should be my own damn decision.

But there was a third reason I didn't know about: if you're a virgin, the speculum(sp?) (the thing they use to jack the hole open) hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. So I'm being forced to have this thing jammed up there when I don't even like to use tampons, crying and hyperventalating the whole time. I think that qualifies as a traumatic experience. (One that I have to have once a year if I want to still take my pills)

My mom's no help either. Afterwards I told her about it, and she felt bad for me, but it killed me, killed me when this happened.

Her: I didn't know it was supposed to hurt that much
Me: Well, the doctor said if I were sexually active it wouldn't, but of course I'm not.
Her: ...Thank God

Please. I don't think I could handle it if you were any more sensitive, mother. I know you're glad I'm not a whore, but saying that also says "I'd rather have you come back to me every year sobbing and in pain and traumatized than you dare have sex before getting married. And hell, the mental anguish you go through every day because you don't have anyone around who'd even dream of having sex with you is worth it, for my sense of security in that you're not out there being sinful."

I'm not going to go and find some guy to get it on with just so my pap test next year doesn't hurt. If I (by some bizarre miracle) find someone I really like who likes me back, I'm not just going to go and have sex with him just because I can. But it hurts to be 20 years old and never been asked out on a date, and it hurts to have it rubbed in like that while you're getting something rammed up there by a stranger, and it hurts to have it rubbed in like that again afterwards when you're talking to your mother. Which: by the way--even if you only count the mean things my mom and I have done to each other--we're both carrying around enough sin to send 80 people to hell, I doubt having sex with someone would especially damn me. Notwithstanding the fact that I'm not even Christian, and that though my mom claims to be one, she hardly acts like one.

Add all this crap to the fact that I'm never going to get a job and that my life is meaningless: I'm so, so depressed right now.