So I don't really think of myself as a mean person, but I realized I am. At least in a joking/teasing kind of way. Basically this is a lead up to where I tell you I was in a room full of people today and I realized I had insulted nearly every one of them.

My break overlapped a little with all the cafe people today, so I saw jazz hands* on the way in and just randomly decided to shout, "get back in the cafe, monkey!" to her and her friend.

Then I saw IRTR (I Represent This Remark)** and El Camino talking, and to make it less a pointed attack at jazz hands, I was like, "Get back to the back office, monkey!" to El Camino (he's our corporate guy, he does a lot of that in the back office). IRTR is like, "Hey, you didn't tell me to get back anywhere," and I was like, "Oh, IRTR, you know no one wants you anywhere." And he, of course, says "I represent that remark!" (though the others are innocent, he and Flow Chart*** and Jersey did provoke me earlier in the day, so I feel less bad).

So then I go in, and I'm back in the break room with Jersey, HTS(Hit That Shit), and Flow Chart. I start talking to Jersey (I was probably making my first feints already, I can't remember), but he's listening to his ipod and reading Rolling Stone at the same time.

Me: Yeah, that's right, go back to reading MY Rolling Stone and ignorring me.
Jersey: This is your Rolling Stone?
Me: Yeah, it only has my name on it.
Jersey: you're mean.
Me: Yeah.......

then I somehow get to insulting Flow Chart, and he says I'm mean too, and I say something about them both being too slow-witted to keep up with my insults.

HTS: Yeah, Flow Chart, you're kind of lobbing softballs at her over there. I feel like this is Larry King Live.
FC: I wasn't trying to insult her, I was just trying to make her feel bad.
Me: Ah, there's your flaw in logic. I don't feel bad. I'm like a sociopath, I know it's wrong but I don't care.

then Jazz Hands comes in.

Jazz Hands: so after you went by, my friend was like, "Did she just call you a monkey?"
Me: Yeah. I've been insulting everyone. I called El Camino a monkey and told IRTS that he is unwanted by society just now, too.
Jersey: why are you insulting everyone?
HTS: Why am I the only one you haven't insulted?
Me: (honestly, he had just not said anything I found mockable yet, and I probably know him the least of everyone there) *holds out my hand in the talk to the hand gesture.*
HTS: What was that?
Me: It was kind of "talk to the hand," kind of, "I couldn't really come up with a good insult."
Jersey: You gotta do "I know you are but what am I."
Me: Takes one to know one!
Jersey: same to you.... infinity!
Me: infinity times infinity!
Jersey: infinity times infinity plus one!
Me: infinity to the infinitieth power
Jersey: parentheses, to the infinitieth power
Me: paren-- aww screw it.
Jersey: I WIN!!!!!

And then Sista came in, and I also failed to insult her very well either, though I already know her weak points (alcoholism, her carnie ancestry, etc.)

Anyway work went pretty fast. Another coworker got fired, although this was not someone very close to me, and it seemed slightly more justified (he was late all the time, though this makes me worry more about Jersey, who has been late a lot lately)

One more conver:

Phoemeister: so have you ever seen 2001: a space odyssey?
Sui: Yeah
Phoemeister: you know the bit that's like, "open the pod bay door hal"
Sui: yeah
Sui: I can't do that, Dave
Phoemeister: and hals like, "no, I can't dave. dave, I can't. stop it, dave.
Phoemeister: YES
Phoemeister: thanks
Phoemeister: so, I have a coworker named Dave
Phoemeister: and he'll ask me to do something
Phoemeister: and I'll be like, "I can't do that Dave. No, I can't. This is for the best, Dave. Stop it, Dave. Don't do this, Dave. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiisy, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiisy......"
Sui: hahaha
Sui: Nice
Phoemeister: and he doesn't get it, and once I explained it to him he still did not find it funny
Sui: I would find that funny if I worked there
Phoemeister: so this new guy named Dave started
Phoemeister: and I REALLY want to do it to him too
Phoemeister: but I am wondering if it will alienate the new one and further annoy the old Dave.

Honestly, you're also lucky I don't recount the conver Double Dizzle and I had the other day where he said his wife had filmed him having sex with the Bratz, and he had made out with Diego, Dora the Explorer's cousin (but hadn't gotten any farther because he hates mexicans).

___
* new cafe chick, she seems to like doing jazz hands a lot.

** cafe guy that's been there since before I've worked at the store, whenever you say anything mean to him, he says "I represent this remark."

*** Earlier today, IRTR made some comment to me that I didn't understand, and Flow Chart explained it to me. I was like, "You guys make a great team. IRTR insults me, and then you explain them to me." Flow Chart says, "Yeah, well, I do the best I can. I left the powerpoint presentation with the flow chart at home." Then later I told Mouse about it, and he's like, "Do you like Flow Chart?". I say, "he's okay." Mouse says, "Are you going to make out with him now?" I said, "I hope not," and then realized that sounds like I have no control whatsoever on who I do or do not make out with. Though seriously: no making out with Flow Chart for me. He is old and greasy.

****Hit that Shit because both Optpri & Sista think he should hit that shit, where "shit" is "me."